Ask an Earthworm (Non-Advice)

This week's query comes from Jennifer Barrens, who wishes to remain anonymous.



Jen writes:


Dear Evan,

I just found out I'm pregnant and don't know what to do. My boyfriends have been telling me that they want to take it to the next step and get engaged. Well naturally I can't I marry all three of them. I'm not sure which one is the father. I know the issue needs to be addressed soon, as the doctor says I should start showing within a month. How should I approach them?

Sincerely,

Anonymously Pregnant and unsure in Alabama


Dear Jennifer Barrens of 161 rocky calloway rd. apt. 114,

That is some pickle you've got yourself into. I'm not sure what you're doing dating three men in the first place, but for the moment I'll let that slip while I examine your problem with my earthwormly wisdom. As I see it, you have three men in your life who you care for. Your baby deserves to have a father, and since you can't ascertain which is the daddy until the child is delivered, I suggest the following: Hide away until the child is born, then chop yourself into three pieces, letting each grow into independent beings. Then it's just a matter of each part taking it's pick of man.

At any rate that's what I did when I couldn't choose between two worms.

Sincerely,
Evan