Thursday, February 18, 2010

Ask an Octopus (non-advice)


Hello, I'm Ollie. Earl E. Bird has sadly gone missing. I shall be filling in for him.

I hope with time, we can become friends!



Dear Earl Ollie,

My two year old is driving me crazy. All day long she asks me the same question over and over, "who's there?" and I have no idea what to answer. I'm not sure where she picked it up, and why she keeps asking. I've explained to her what it means, but she just nods and asks it again. My husband at least gets to go to work each day. Usually when he gets back she's so tired from bouncing around asking that same question that she goes right to sleep. Please help, I think I'm losing my mind!

Sincerely,
Going Nuts in Indiana

Dear Nuts,

Why don't you answer your child? Are you ashamed of who's there? Is it some dark secret that your innocent and darling girl isn't privy to? Perhaps you are having an affair and are ashamed of the fact? My advice is to come clean. Confession is good for the soul. Maybe bake a batch of cookies and sit down with her. I always find bad news is easier to take with some oatmeal cookies.

If that doesn't work, I suggest taking her to the ocean. I live there, and I can assure you the waves can be very calming.

Sincerely,
Ollie

12 comments:

  1. I'm thinking the kid is waiting for a knock-knock joke punchline. If she doesn't get one she'll be asking "who's there?" for the rest of her life.

    If you ever find out who's there, please post an update.

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  2. Here's the thing about two year olds...they are specifically designed to do such things to drive one crazy. I suspect your Gentle Reader has the latest version, the software is working as designed.
    Nuts in Indiana is just the patsy who is bench testing the equipment.

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  3. You might have something there Joe. Toddler 2.0
    lol

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  4. Oh dear lord. An stinkin' octopus with a skull cap. How cute. And he is giving advice. Am I the only one who noticed that the main advice from this slug was to bring your bright and precious child to the OCEAN. Yeh, the waves are soothing...but so is the access to those freakin' tentacles which will pull your offspring down to her cold and dark death. I would team up with the worm AND the bird to bbq this boneless bastard. "Whose there?" Your ass buddy!

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  5. Cal, I would think you'd be glad the bird mysteriously disappeared, seeing as you hated it so...

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  6. It's like a dark twisted knock, knock joke!!

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  7. I see no bird...I see a stinkin' octopus agressor...I am big enough to do the math. I would kiss that hated bird rather than be anywhere near an octopus.

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  8. That's funny, cause the octopus was telling me about how the bird was visiting Canada at the time of the Olympics, and that seeing as how you had a grudge against him...

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  9. Typical cephalopod propaganda trying to besmirch my name. I have no doubt they planted feathers in my blender just to incriminate me. Pretty weak attempt actually. And that photo of me twirling a little top hat on my baby finger is obviously photoshopped. But you go ahead and believe that balloon juice - Estonia Collaborator

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  10. I'm not a collaborator, and my people have nothing to do with this. But it is interesting how you jump to the defensive on a photo that as far as I know, doesn't exist. What are you covering up Cal?

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  11. Hey, when a bird falls in the chicken bucket it's not my responsibility if he goes missing. Do I need a lawyer?

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  12. What can I say? You're SO creative!!I just loved this post!!
    Have a great Sunday!
    Betty :)

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