Thursday, July 29, 2010

Letters to the Editor: Furious Flu

(This letter is in response to a review about The Flu that appeared on this site on December 15, 2009. This letter was dictated to Reputation@Stake, who recorded it verbatim from a rather irate flu.)

To whom it may concern at the Non-Review:
You couldn’t be more wrong in your horrible review of me, and I wish to address some of the fraudulent allegations you made concerning me and my fellow Influenza brothers. First of all, there was the preposterous rating that I was given of -27 hells out of 14. This clearly shows that you have a personal and political and grammatical axe to grind against what should be considered a highly respected disease. The fact that you can’t even have a -27 in a rating system that goes up to 14, throws your entire review of me into the realm of the absurd.

Also, I do not understand why I get a bad review just because your immune system sucks. All I did was have a small party in your veins, with a few friends and a couple of movies. You’re the one who failed to call in your—may I say Wimpy—white uniformed blood cells. Your pathetic show of force should not be a strike against me or my reputation.

You went on to say, “The thing on my face, that once I called a nose, has been replaced by a faucet from hell.” Sounds to me like your nose should be getting the -27, not me. Then you added, “Cheeks hurt, and not in a fun way; and my eyes are all a blur.” Well excuse me for not making your cheeks hurt to your specifications. I’m rather busy, trying to infect the masses, and I don’t have time to wait around for orders from people who apparently need glasses, but would rather blame me for their vision problems.

So overall, I felt quite slighted and completely misrepresented. You even offered what should have been a compliment and made it sound like an insult: “What goes down, threatens to come back up.” I’m rather proud of that. Do you realize the logistics it takes to perform such a maneuver? That is a multi-staged attack on both the stomach and the brain, and also the esophagus, and is quite difficult to pull off. But you’re giving people the impression that it was a bad thing. Your review denied me the respect I so richly deserve. And because of that, I may just have to come visit you again.

Sincerely,
The Flu

6 comments:

  1. I don't like this guy. Can you use an anti-virus program to bring down his partying ways?
    xoRobyn

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  2. don't let that flu guy intimidate you. I love this.
    I also love the About the Reader thing...it is so accurate, how did you know???

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  3. That flu is so defensive, what a whiner.

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  4. You are going to have to keep an eye on this guy, sounds like he will be lurking just waiting for the chance to sneak up on you.

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  5. The flu needs to find a girlfriend.

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  6. The flu needs a good swift kick in the cajones!

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