Friday, February 18, 2011

7 Word Weekend Movie Review: The Chaperone, Big Mommas suck, and the God conspiracy


New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each


The Chaperone (limited) - How is this not a Disney movie?

I Am Number Four - Couldn't be any worse than number two...

Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son - No choice, we must kill Martin Lawrence.

Unknown - I thought he already did this movie.


I know what you're thinking: He's right, we have to kill Martin Lawrence. It's the only thing that might possibly make up for all the horrible things he's done. I can remember when he used to be funny. Nothing to Lose... Bad Boys... He had potential to be great. Then at some point he started down a road that he's never come off from. I watched the first Big Momma's House regrettably. I was smart enough to avoid the second one like the plague. Too bad a large constituent of Americans weren't, thusly justifying their making a third. And since Lawrence recently said he'd continue to make these movies till "the wheels fall off", I would like anyone reading this who might be thinking of seeing it, to head this warning: I've heard that test audiences who watched it had their faces melt off twenty minutes in. Kind of like that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark, anyone who looks upon it will be liquidated.

Here's one of those go figures, I hate wrestling but I love (in a guilty pleasure sort of way) wrestler's movies. The Chaperone is the latest to step up to the plate with some guy (forgive me anyone who watches WWhatever it is, for not instantly recognizing the name) called Triple H. Rather than giving the synopsis, here's the trailer:


That's right, Kevin Corrigan, Annabeth Gish AND Yeardley Smith. It's like one of those beautiful disasters that you know deep down in your heart you don't want to miss. I also like the way the tone of the trailer shifts from looking like it's going to try and be serious, to kid's goofiness in a blink. My hope is it meets in the middle and ends up being this generation's Kindergarten Cop. You know... Horribly fantastic. 

Unknown to me looks like the lovechild of Taken and Bourne Identity. It also looks a bit dull even in terms of rentals. Maybe I'm just thriller'd out at the moment. Still maybe there's more to it... 

In the film Liam Neeson plays a guy who wakes up from a coma to find that his identity has been stolen and no one remembers him, not even his wife. Now back in 2006 there was a movie also called Unknown, about five guys who wake up in a warehouse with no memory of who they are and must decide which of them is evil. That film starred Jim Caviezel. Liam Neeson played Aslan, the God lion of the Narnia movies, while Caviezel of course played Jesus. I'd dare say this smacks of conspiracy. 

That or God's having an identity crisis. 

Have a great weekend everyone!


23 comments:

  1. I have no desire to see any of those films.

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  2. That's exactly what I was thinking.. Kill Martin, Blame America.

    So like you know how I pushed real hard to get you to keep posting previews?

    Yeah, well. I take it all back. That's 2 minutes and 34 seconds that I just can't get back.

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  3. Come on, Liam Neeson is in it. It has to be good right?

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  4. Great reviews.

    I was just discussing how awful these Big Mama cockroach films are! They never stop!

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  5. Decided to skip Unknown. And maybe Lawrence can go in that room with Sandler and Bieber?

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  6. Agreed on the Martin Lawrence thing.

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  7. I bet God does have an ID crisis...given the copious amount of names he/she goes by...
    I like Liam Neeson...I like all the across the pond actors for that matter...maybe even like the vampire if he were to brood less and weigh more...
    never been a fan of Disney movies unless its animation...
    A time when WWF men were a yes but now it no longer creates a buzz

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  8. I just skipped out of work to kill Martin Lawrence. Watch the 6pm news and get ready to celebrate.

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  9. All of those sound like crap. 'I Am Number Four' reminds me of those crappy psuedo horror/science fiction movies that young stars make when they are first starting out. Sure it has Dianna Agron from GLEE who I think is really pretty but you gotta come with more than that if you want to get Big Daddy to the theatre.

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  10. I haven't seen this first Big Momma movie, I totally judged it by the stupid trailers

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  11. Kal! Is there ANYONE who you don't think is pretty??? And if you say me, I'll sock you in the nose.
    ~Cotton Blossom

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  12. TS, I thought you were number four. What happened?

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  13. You misunderstood Rep - He's not number 4, he's two squared.

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  14. That's right, I'm totally L7. Oh wait... that's not a good thing. I remember now.

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  15. What? TS, you're a grunge band from Los Angeles? Oh, I get what you meant. Well then what does that make Kal? At least I know I'm number 12. It's like the best number ever. I practically worship it. Which means I worship myself. What could be better than that?

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  16. Kal is 42 - Douglas Adams can explain it to you.

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  17. Never did watch any of the Big Mama movies...thank goodness.

    LOVE Liam Neeson though. He's just too cute. I loved the way he kicked ass in Taken....and he was pretty delicious in Love, Actually. Oh, and Rob Roy! Yeah.

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  18. Seriously, Martin Lawerence needs to just go away...
    If the best bit they have to show for that movie, is that tired old (noneya business) line, then that movie was not worth releasing in the first place.

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  19. martin lawrence?! he is about as funny as sinbad. or george lopez. or jeff foxworthy. which means HE IS NOT FUNNY.

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  20. You know who absolutely is an awful "comedian" who I can't stand? No, of course you don't. But I'll tell you: Tracy Morgan. The end.

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  21. I am in all the way for Unknown. It looks great to me even if it looks like Taken or the Bourne Identity. I loved both those movies as well. I'm ready.

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  22. Guilty Secret....I want to watch Big Momma's House the second or whatever it's actual title is. XD

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  23. haha the chaperone and unknown/God stuff was fantastic

    based on your paragraph right after the clip ... I kind of want a 'the non-review's shot at what they were thinking' dubbing of some trailers or scenes from equally horribly fantastic flicks

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