New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each
The Guilt Trip - Well, the world is ending anyway so...
Monsters, Inc. 3D - Seems like we've danced this dance before.
Cirque du Soleil: Worlds Away - Don't say this enough: I hate clowns.
Jack Reacher - He does realize he's 50 now, right?
This Is 40 - From Judd Apatow: The movie nobody wanted.
We might as well talk about the big elephant in the room. Yes the world is ending today and I'm sorry.
I know you've been wondering, what's going to bring about the end? Wonder no more my friends, it's me. I know, I know, you're fond of the world. I was too for awhile. Lately though, I just find myself somewhat discontent. If the word is all it's cracked up to be, why are there no cup holders? How come the transmission seems to be giving out even though a quick glance at the mileage shows it should have still had a couple good years? Nope, I'm sorry, the world that was sold to us is a lemon.
So how am I going to destroy the earth? Inquiring minds and all that. No, I'm not going to make you all sit through This Is 40 or The Guilt Trip. I'm not a monster. And as tempting as it is to broadcast Honey Boo Boo episodes simultaneously around the world, I have no desire to suffer that way myself. My method is much simpler. You remember way back when, I signed a co-lease on the world? Signed it with a black foot print in an Alaskan hospital when I was born. Well, I've gone and taken my authority and have sold the planet, as it were, to some new occupants.
Don't look at me that way, I'm not a traitor to the human race. I found a lovely new planet in a neighboring solar system. It'll take some getting used to. The flora and the fauna are a little different to say the least. Remember when you told me in confidence that your favorite color was hot pink? Good news, for some reason, all the wildlife tends towards that color. Except for squirrels... They're the one creature that exists on both planets. Weird.
Anyway the new owners will be here shortly. Please be courteous when you meet them. They are giving us a ride to our new home. The in flight movie will offer you the choice of Jack Reacher, The Hobbit, or Stand and Deliver, the 1988 Lou Diamond Phillips gem. Should be a fun trip.
Oh and my apologies if this seems like it's out of nowhere, but the Mayan did give you plenty of warning. Really you've only yourselves to blame if you're caught unawares.
Normally I'd ask what your plans are for the weekend, but, well, you know... See you on board.