Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Letters From Superheroes Issue #1: Captain America

Dear Lucas Torres,

I am writing to address the recent claims of you being my son. While I understand that your mother wrote C. America on your birth certificate, please know that I have never even been to that part of Brazil, and certainly not during the late 80's. I think you will find that America is not that uncommon a surname. I'm sure your father --whoever he is-- would dearly love to meet you. I assure you however, that I am not him.

In regards to your request for a paternity test, I see no reason to participate. Please, do not see this as any kind of admission to the possibility of your claim. Again, given your age, it's simply not possible. I was, during the year of your conception, literally frozen in ice. Unless your mother somehow led an expedition to my icy chamber, drilled down into the deep, and sperm-jacked me, this is all moot.

Finally, for your own safety, I beg you to reconsider pursuing a life as a superhero. While I'm touched that you're calling yourself Lieutenant South America, your lack of any abilities, or technical prowess leaves you vulnerable. As you're not my son, you have not inherited any of my superhuman strengths. Also, you'll find that my level of Captain was attained by serving my country. Calling yourself Lieutenant when you've never served in any capacity, could be considered insulting to those who have. 

Best of luck to you in your quest to find your real father.


Capt. Steven Rogers


  1. Lt. South America - funny!
    Sperm-jacked. That just sounds awful.

  2. Lieutenant South America would be an awesome comic, but yeah he should probably quit.


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