Wednesday, May 24, 2017

What Cats Are Saying About Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

We recently polled some local cats to hear their opinions. This time we wanted to find out what they thought of the latest Johnny Depp film, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales.

'Sir Reginald Plumperdink'
"I've loved that Paul McCatney, ever since he was in the greatest group of all time; Wings."

'Mrs. Kisses'
"Dead men tell no tales? Then. I. Wish. They. All. Were. Dead."

'Duchess Gary Cooper'

"When we play Pirates of the Caribbean, I'm always Joon."

Thursday, May 4, 2017

God Dammed

The old man stood behind the young boy. His eyes had seen 74 years in that corridor where the child currently sat cross-legged on concrete floor. Before them a giant metal door towered with whispers of ancient promise.

"Why did God put the door here?" the child asked. His shaggy brown hair scattered in a million directions as he looked up to the old man.

"For protection. To keep you safe. And to keep your Munny and Pah safe." The old man smiled with crooked and missing teeth. He ruffled the young boy's hair.

The boy looked back to the door. Strange markings and old writings adorned it. Words that were all at once familiar yet incomprehensible.

"But what's on the other side?"

"Evil. All the darkness in the world."

"But we live in the dark."

The old man laughed. "Not that kind of darkness. It's a darkness of the soul. In here we're safe from it and the death it brings."

"And the door keeps it out?"

"Yes. Because it's a special door. One that acts like a dam, keeping the flow of evil from rushing in."

The boy studied the words again: WARNING was pressed into the metal. A label in faded yellow and red was directly underneath. On it, scrawled in faded ink, in all caps were the words GODDAMN THE WORLD.

"Have you ever seen God?" asked the boy.


"Has Munny or Pah?"

"No, they haven't either. Long ago when I was your age, my Great PahPah sat me on his knee and I asked that same question. According to him the last person to see God was his Great Munny's PahPah."

"And God told him he'd be back?"

The old man nodded. "Yes, sir. God said he'd return. All we have to do is keep the faith and wait. Then one day God will open the door and it'll be safe for us all to go through."

"But how do we know when that'll be?"

The old man ran his fingers across a long series of numbers on the side of the door.

"They say the answer lies in these, but no one has ever deciphered their meaning."

The boy sat in quiet for a moment, working himself up to ask the big question he'd been holding in.

"How do we," he began timidly, "I mean...what if there is no God?"

The old man hugged the boy reassuringly.

"I guess we all wonder that at some point or another. Many a night in my youth I stood at this same door, my hands on the locks, pondering the universe and my own existence."

"And you believe?"

"I do."

Off in the distance, a bell rang three times.

"Sounds like dinner's ready," said the old man.

"I'll come in a few minutes," the boy replied.

The old man patted the child on the back before making his way down the corridor, and out of sight. The boy stood up and placed his hands on the giant wheel that would open the locks on the huge door.

What if we're the ones being kept out of the rest of world? The boy pondered. Is it those outside or us in here who are the saved?

He ran his hands over the smooth metal wheel. Doubts raging against faith and tradition.

Maybe it's both. Maybe we're kept apart so we won't hurt each other. Maybe we're all God dammed.

Whether out of fear or out of faith, the boy let his hands slip from the wheel. He turned his back to the door and headed off to join the old man for dinner.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

The Blogger [Short Story]

"Says here you've been professionally blogging for the past three years?"

"That's correct."

Interviewer and interviewee. Two suits, across from each other, divided by a sea of desk. She jotted down a note after his reply.

"Who were you previously employed with?" she asked.

"Self-employed. I did some freelance writing, as well as ran a tech blog of my own."

"Excellent." Another response, another note jotted down. "How come you've decided to seek employment with us?"

"No more room left on the internet."

He fidgeted is his seat. One leg of the chair was slightly shorter than the other, and constantly shifted from side to side.

"You mean the market for your writing is dying off?"

He shook his head, brow furrowed. "Oh, no, I mean the internet is almost full. Soon there won't be any room left to put anything new."

The interviewer started to write something down, then, turned to look at him. She was expecting a joke, but he sat there earnestly returning her gaze.

"What do you mean, the internet's full?'" she inquired.

"Just that. We've been filling the internet for decades and now it's about full. Actually, it's partially on us bloggers. We kept writing and posting, never bothering to make additional room to replace what we filled."

An involuntary laugh escaped her. "That's absurd. The internet can't be filled. It's ever expanding. It's infinite."

"You're thinking of the universe. Even that will collapse one day. No, the internet is almost full. According to my calculations, by the end of the day. Maybe even sooner."

"This is a joke right?"

He shook his head. "No joke. Why do you think internet providers, at least the responsible ones, had a data usage cap?"

"To keep speeds consistent, and to make more money. That has nothing to do with filling some invisible amount of space."

"That's a classic misinterpretation. That cap was to protect supply. Like the price of crude going up due to demand."

A flurry of notes found their way to the page as her patience was exhausted.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not going to sit ere and listen to this," she said. "If you're going to waste someone's time with this inane joke, I prefer it be someone else's."

He shrugged and got up from his chair. By the time he'd gathered his resume and briefcase, she was standing by the open door ready to usher him out.

After he'd left she sat back at her desk and opened her laptop. She clicked the email icon and waited for the browser to pop up. The man had to be insane. Better to send a quick report to HR than risk a reprisal should he try that shtick again.

A moment later and she was signed into her account. She got as far as entering in Terri from HR's address before the keyboard stopped working. She banged hard at the keys, but no letters appeared from the prompt.

"I wonder if the internet's full," she muttered in disgust before restarting her computer.

Once rebooted she clicked the mail icon on her desktop. Instead of the usual music as it popped up, nothing happened. She tried clicking it again, and when that didn't work, several times more.

"Perfect," she said to herself.

She picked up the phone and dialed IT, preparing herself mentally. She hated calling IT. They always talked down to her and rarely fixed anything themselves. Course she would have preferred that to the busy signal that kept burping in her ear.

"Marge," she spoke into the intercom after giving up.

"Yes, Miss Stevens?"

"Can you get me someone from IT to come take a look at my computer? My email app won't work."

"No one's internet is working, Miss. All of IT is working on it now."

"Oh, okay. Thanks Marge."

She let go of the button and sat back.

"It can't be," she said to no one.

Miss Stevens flipped on the small TV in the upper right corner of her room. CNN seemed the logical choice to her. Onscreen, a video was showing, of a stock exchange room with people near rioting. The anchor was talking about the "greatest hacker attack" ever. All she heard though was white noise. She looked out the window to the city street below. People were pouring out of all the buildings looking around in confusion and excitement.

She picked up the application for the blogger she had been filling out. She stared at it for a moment, before she wrote one last note. In the hiring column she put down, "Maybe."

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Tim's 10 Most Influential Goats of 2017

It's that time of the year again. Time when we look at who's up and coming, who's making waves, and who's still at the top. That's right it's time for the list of Tim's Most Influential Goats of the year (2017).

10. Barry

Barry might not be a household name, but on Wall Street everyone knows him. Two years ago he made his mark, brokering a merger between two top, rivaling, brokerage companies. More amazingly, at the end of things, he was the controlling owner. He's a power hungry goat who'll eat anything that gets in his way.

9. Chef Goatin Ramsey

Speaking of eating, our number nine spot goes to Chef Ramsey who's fresh off of earning his second Michelin star. Already setting the culinary world ablaze in Eastern Europe the past few years, he plans to open his 6th restaurant this year right here in America. 

8. Wiz Khalifudge

Everyone is familiar with the Rapping goat's hit song 'Say Ba-a-a' from 2012. What you may not know is that he's a producer and label owner. He's poised to be the first goat to cross the billion dollar mark this year.

7. Cheeks

Normally being a kid actor wouldn't be enough to get you on this list, but Cheeks is no normal child actor. In 2016 alone, she starred in over fifteen different films, three of which were blockbusters. Even more impressive, this year she became the youngest goat in history to win an Oscar. 

6. Roger

Bestselling author, Roger, has been a mainstay of TED talks for awhile. More recently he is the co-creator of a website that workshops creative writing, and connects you directly to publishers who read through what interests them. It's been a huge success that has shaken up the industry's model.

5. Morna

Being a working mother is hard enough, but starting your own shopping network geared towards barnyard animals? Near impossible. But that is exactly what Morna did. Based out of New York, Barnables struggled to find its share of the shopping channel market at first. Over time, it has grown a cult like following who slap down their hard earned cash for trinkets. 

4. TeeVee

Everyone's favorite comedian, TeeVee, has been doing standup since he was a kid. Not content to rest on his laurels, last year TeeVee got into the sitcom biz, bringing his comedy to a whole new audience. As of the last quarter 'You Have Goat To Be Kidding Me' was the number one new show on CBS.

3. The Mini Moguls

Our number three spot goes to a trio of siblings that have come to be known as The Mini Moguls. Each one's in a different field that they have taken by storm. There's Jeff (left) in Pharmaceuticals, Beth (middle) a Software Developer, and Johnson (right) a State Representative in Pennsylvania. There seems to be nothing this ambitious trio can't achieve. 

2. Tom Wopat

Tom Wopat (no relation to the actor) came up quickly in the real estate industry. But it wasn't fulfilling something in him. In 2015 he left his six figure career behind him and started a charity. With the motto 'You can't help everyone, but you can try' his charity has already made an impact in 7 different countries., and changed countless lives.

1. Derrik

For the second year, famed director, Derrik, tops our list. True, he's directed some of our favorite movies, but that's just his side job. A passion for politics, Derrik started one of the largest lobbying groups in the nation, the impact of which is felt everyday through policy changes that have been brought about.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Mystery Science Theater 3000 Giveaway

***Contest Closed***

The good people at Comet TV are bringing classic episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 back to television. To celebrate they are giving away a sweet MST3K gift pack.

What you get: 
2 Pint glasses. One for you, one for a friend.
1 Collectible card
1 Moon Squishy ball, to squeeze that stress away.

What do you have to do:

1) Tell me who your favorite character is
2) Follow me on Twitter OR Facebook (at least till the contest is over so I can DM you for your information if you win)

Contest ends Friday 4/28/2017
So make sure to enter before then.

And be sure to check out Comet TV this Earth Day for an MST3K marathon that'll be out of this world!

Each household is only eligible to win COMET / MST3K Classic Episodes Prize Pack via blog reviews and giveaways. Only one entrant per mailing address per giveaway. If you have won the same prize on another blog, you will not be eligible to win it again. Winner is subject to eligibility verification.

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