Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Enough With The Cats Already

We get it, cats are cute. Yes, it's funny to dress them up, poke their head through bread, and make them ride the vacuum, but enough is enough already.

Look at this #$&*. Even he's bored by yet another cat picture.

Stupid cat always getting in the way of computers!

Don't stick your tongue out at me, cat!

This son of a bitch cat...

Look at the guilty expression on his face. Knows he's a no-good cat!

What the hell do you suppose this flippin' cat wants?

Too many damn cats.


Thursday, August 20, 2015

On The Subject Of...

This is a post.

It is not your father's post. Certainly not your mother's.

It is designed to make you think about the nature of something or other. Possibly writing, and or, the structure and composition of an article. Is it though? It's a completely reasonable supposition to arrive at. Though it could just as easily be designed to make you think about Creme Filled Donuts. In which case, mission accomplished. For simply mentioning it, I'm sure, has caused an image to appear in your mind. 

If it's a positive association, you might even be tasting it right now. Delicious, warm, fresh made donut, with sweet, angel touched, filling. If negative, you might be choking back on the thought of quaffing grease from a stale ball of flour as it ejaculates a modicum of rancid icing down the front of your shirt. Course it's also likely that even if the former image appealed to you, the latter has turned you off the idea of aforementioned donut.


Did that strike you as random? I hope so. For it was my intention to distract you from the disturbing donut imagery. Now you should once more be focused on the abstract idea of a donut. Although, I hope this does not cause any future association between donuts and unicorns in your mind. I would hate for you to be playing with your daughters/sons/nieces/nephews/grandbabies/weird friends and think of donuts whenever the subject of unicorns comes up. Likewise, the last thing I'd want is for you to forever ponder the mythology of unicorns whenever you step into a donut shop. 

To be clear: Unicorns aren't real (Or they were and are just extinct) while donuts are quite real (they are born every morning). Please do not connect these two in the future. In fact, if you could just forget these past two paragraphs, that would help a lot. In hindsight, the image heading this post, likely isn't helping things. You know what, forget the picture, and forget I mentioned donuts or unicorns at all.

Writing. Dear, sweet, sweet written text. 

The idea of stringing thoughts together to entertain or enlighten. It's an art of structure and balance. A meticulous crafting of grammar and heart. Science and mysticism. A bringing together of very different facets to create an image that will stay with a person. Much like a unicorn and donuts.

So, is this post that we began together --a post that's not your father or mother's post-- on the subject of writing and language? Is that what this journey has all been about? Is it merely, a post, designed to make you think about the very composition of an article itself?


Wednesday, July 15, 2015

What Cats Are Saying About Ant-Man

We recently polled some local cats to find out their opinions. This time we wanted to know what they thought of the latest Marvel film 'Ant-Man'.

'Sir Reginald Plumperdink'
"If you eat Ant-Man, would you explode? Asking for a friend..."

'Mrs. Kisses'
"I only enjoy Paul Rudd films where he dances."

'The Duchess Gary Cooper'
"I don't understand. Why did Marvel make an American sequel to a Danish kids film?"

"I am Ant-Man. Er, cat. Ant-Man-Cat."

Monday, June 29, 2015

On The Confederate Flag

This weekend, on the main street of my city, a group of people were lined up waving Confederate flags in their happy little protest. This upset me, not just because the flag is a symbol of hatred and hurt, but also because it was in my town. See, much as I dislike where I live currently, at least I've been able to watch the news (I say watch, but really that's just an antiquated term I use to mean digesting a thousand articles online each week like a normal person) and say happily at the idiots parading through ritualized asininity "at least they haven't gone that far here". That last shred was taken from me this weekend. Thanks guys.

I didn't grow up in the south, for which I'm grateful. I have lived in Tennessee for over a decade where I've come to appreciate a lot of things about my state, as well as come to hate several others. In many ways I treat my southern brethern as a parent arguing with another parent about whose kid it is when they're doing something stupid (brother-parents not something without precedent in the south). Usually this mentality goes hand in hand with a story about someone blowing themselves up while fishing. That's right, fishing.

However, much as I'd like to just roll my eyes at them, it's a little hard when they're out on the streets waving flags that are large enough to sail boats with. Worse yet, a couple of the people I saw were actually dressed up in confederate uniforms. That has to make for an awkward conversation at work the next day with their black co-workers (cause surprisingly only white people were lined up).

"I waved to you as you drove by me on Saturday."
"Yeah, I saw."
"You know I'm just supporting history, right? Doesn't have anything to do with anything else."
"You're still on the bowling team, right?"

And that is by the way one of the stupidest arguments regarding the Confederate flag. Its history. Your ancestor's legacy is sewn in the fabric of the flag, I understand that. The good is in there with the bad. No one is taking away your right to hold on to your heritage. 

Look, when it comes down to it, your Great- (insert as many multiples as necessary to complete your ancestral history) Grandfather fought and bled for his side of the country, and his beliefs. He was also probably very proud of his testicles. And his balls are your heritage. But believe me when I say, we don't need to see his balls flying from the top of a state building. 

It's okay if you want to think about what his balls mean to you and your rich tapestry of familial history. It's okay if you feel the need to pass his balls down to your children, telling stories, and reading old civil war diaries your grandfather wrote about his balls. As an American, it's even your right to fly your grandfather's balls in your front yard if you so choose. Mind you, we will all find you disgusting, but that is your right.

It's your right to look at your grandfather's testicles and see the great man who bore them through all the working and breathing and living and dying he did. But just remember, for everyone else, we just see a pair of shriveled up testicles. And frankly, it's gross.

Friday, June 5, 2015

What Cats Are Saying About Entrourage

We once again polled some local cats to find out their opinions. This time we wanted to know what they thought of the new movie 'Entourage'.

'Sir Reginald Plumperdink'
"You know who I like? I like that Christian Bale. Is he in this film? No? In that case I'll probably pass. But, you know, let me know if it turns out he was in it."

'Mrs. Kisses'
"Mr. Selfridge is great in this period piece, which sees him starting up a new mega Walmart with a bunch of his Brahs."

'The Duchess Gary Cooper'
"I prefer the original version with Charlton Heston where the apes take over the world."

"This movie was too stupid for me."

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