Wednesday, June 1, 2016

10 Things You Might Not Know About The End Of The World





10. It's literally going to happen in your backyard.


9. For 10 dollars I can tell you when it's all going down.


8. Your last meal will be a plateful of mushrooms. Just mushrooms. 


7. There will be an after party on Mars.


6. The last words anyone utters will be "Ha! You said Butt."


5. You'll regret every piece of kale you ate.


4. When it happens you'll be the 3,000,000063rd to know.


3. For whatever reason, the Chicken Dance Song will be playing across the planet.


2. There won't be anywhere to sit.


1. Not to give anything away but, damn it, James McAvoy...

10 reasons why Battlestar Galactica rules

With all of the hype around the upcoming Star Wars and Star Trek films slowly filling up the internet, it can become easy to forget that Battlestar Galactica is still the best sci-fi saga out there. So here are ten reminders why Battlestar Galactica will always rule!


The 1970s TV series

Sci-fi TV was in its prime in the 1970s, and nowhere was this better witnessed than through the 1978 Battlestar Galactica series that revelled in comedic capes, amusing laser guns and truly terrifying retro-haircuts!

The 2004 revamp


Although the 1970s series was fun, it wasn’t until the 2004 TV series came to our screens that we really got to enjoy the prospect of being hunted across the universe by the fearsome Cyclon robots. What made this really work was the subtle post 9/11 themes that gave it the edge over many of its rivals.

Big budget movie



The franchise is looking to get its grandest outing yet when Universal’s forthcoming big-budget movie adaptation will hopefully arrive at our multiplexes at some point before the Cyclons do!

Galactic gaming



Battlestar Galactica has also enjoyed some cool gaming adaptations with an Xbox Live arcade game in 2007, and even a Battlestar Galactica slots game on the Mr Smith Casino site that shows that the series if nothing if not adaptable!

Weird language



It’s not just the Klingons who’ve given us a new sci-fi language, as the repeated mentions of ‘frak’ in Battlestar Galactica have helped many of us learn a bit of the lingo from this weird and wonderful series.

No technobabble



But whilst we can enjoy telling each other to ‘frak off’, there’s a refreshing absence of technobabble in Battlestar Galactica that meant we could immerse ourselves in the story rather than wondering what a Bajoran wormhole was.

Spaceship envy


We all know that the Battlestar Galactica ship is the true star of the series, although special mention must be made to the variety of other space vessels such as the Cloud 9 spaceship that included a bio-dome, five-star restaurant and even a casino!

Stylish sci-fi



Few genres suffer at the hands of the wardrobe department as much as sci-fi. And although the 1970s series was somewhat pompous, the recent TV series managed to see the stars wearing clothes that nearly resemble what we’d wear today.

Comic takeover



Everything good begins life as a comic. And whilst Battlestar Galactica may have begun as a TV series, it looks to be making up for lost time when it makes its long-awaited debut as a comic this August!

No egos!



And finally, whilst we have to endure the likes of William Shatner and George Lucas doing their utmost to ruin Star Trek and Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica always feels nicely ego-free so that we can sit back and enjoy the space capers without suffering any hint of the likes of Jar Jar Binks or any of these horrendous cover versions!



Thursday, March 31, 2016

Zack Snyder Presents: 7 Ways Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's Stone Was Scientifically Innaccurate

Nobody loves magic more than I do, but it has its time and place. Preferably in Vegas, and when you're watching someone show you how all the tricks are done. But does it belong in a children's movie where kids can get unreal expectations? I don't think so. Thankfully I've written this helpful guide to have on hand should your child be into Harry Potter.




1. Hairy Harry's Hair

Sorry kids, hair doesn't grow back that quickly when cut. On average hair grows at a rate of 0.44 mm a day. A slight variance occurs depending on age but nothing that would equal the dramatic speed Harry experiences. It's possible he could have Hypertrichosis, AKA the 'Werewolf syndrome.' But even then it still wouldn't be at that speed.




2. Trolling the Troll

Since we already know that magic is just a lot of props and flash, two boys with sticks going up against a troll wouldn't stand a chance. If this was real life, that troll would have murdered the two boys and painted the bathroom with their blood.




3. Cat's Out Of The Bag

People can't turn into cats and then back to humans just like that. They can however use surgery to transform themselves into cats. Though that will take them many years and many different surgeries.





4. Snake In The Grass

Isn't it awesome when Harry talks to snakes? Wrong. It's a pocketful of lies. Snakes don't hiss to communicate, they use it to scare off potential predators. Harry hissing about is just a kid doing what kids do best, being stupid.





5. Sweep The Leg

I believe it is possible to ride a broom, if it has a clear means of propellant. The brooms in Harry Potter do not. Humans have yet to control gravity, despite decades of research. I'm afraid this notion of him flying deserves to go in the bin with the other sweepings.






6. Two Heads Aren't Better Than One

This is actually a real medical condition. The term is "Diprosopus" and is a horrible disease whereby a person or animal is born with a second face. The sad reality is that most born with such a condition don't live long. However, even if Professor Quirell managed to survive to that point, Harry touching him wouldn't turn him to ash. That's just nonsense.






7. The Fat Lady Sings.

Paintings don't talk!



I hope you've enjoyed this more realistic look at a children's movie. If Harry Potter was more truthful, he would have been sorted into Slytherin (which goes to show that stupid animatronic hat doesn't really work) and everyone would have eventually been dead at his hands. If you enjoyed this, tune in next time when I take apart The Green Mile.

-ZS

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Top 10 Things That Happened In Barrensworth, PA in 2015

As the old year expires and the new year gets set to take center stage, we thought we'd look back at some of the things that in 2015, in everybody's favorite town of Barrensworth, PA.





10. Robert and Sherry
After years of "will they, won't they" They finally did. It was a magical moment that we all got to share in as the new couple had their first date and intercourse.



9. Mr. Bogarth's Lawnmower
Who could forget Old Man Bogarth's new riding lawnmower taking off on its own when the handbrake slipped? It was classic small town fun that only killed three dogs before it could be stopped.


8. The Waterford Inn
After the previous owners abandoned the inn due to "paranormal activities" that included the standard bleeding walls and ghost children, new owners Deb and Mike Patel reopened it under the name "Sleep Here."



7. Aliens Attack
In what is sure to go down as the wildest weekend in Barrensworth, this year, aliens stormed the valley village but were ultimately defeated by their small town charm and missile silo.



6. Bruce Denning Disappears
Bruce Denning AKA The Amazing Bruce Denning, performing for the elementary school, did a standard disappearance act. Just a reminder that his wife, The Amazing Ellen Denning, is still seeking any information about his whereabouts.




5. The Mysterious Shoes
Side of the road. Nike. Hardly worn. Size 7. Why were they there? Who did they belong too? It maybe these are questions the small town will have to live with forever.




4. Armistice
While the war between Barrensworth and Easter Island is not officially over, they did reach a milestone this year with a declared armistice.



3. Loulou's Hot Dog Palace
The grand opening was a success!





2. That Darn Cat
The weird cat that belonged to no one and everyone died this past April. Amazingly enough, the day after the funeral, a new cat appeared to take its place.





1. Paradise Putt-Putt Closes
Sadly, it's true, Paradise was closed down. In its place, a glorious new parking lot where children can play was put up.





These are just the highlights of your typical year in Barrensworth. Let's hope the new year brings some excitement.





Thursday, November 12, 2015

Movie Reviews From The Future: Boring 2: White Paper





What we said then: 

"While the movie was entertaining, it failed in other ways too. Unlike its predecessor, 'Boring: Chalk on Chalk,' Boring 2 is actually, rather interesting. In particular I enjoyed the scene where Thomas (Jude Law) is being held hostage by Korean submarine captain Han (Song Kang-ho) and is forced, at gun point, to write a paper deconstructing his own captivity. Furthermore, Denzel shines in the role of Mort Decklin, the dean of a community college who finds his world shattered when a student turns in the titular essay.

"Sadly, the film is an action and drama-packed blast from start to finish. Not at all what I'd hoped for from the sequel to one of the dullest movies ever. I regretfully give it 4.5 out 5. "
 

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