Friday, April 18, 2014

7 Word Weekend Movie Discussion: A Haunted House 2, Bears, Transcendence



New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each


A Haunted House 2 - How can a merciful God allow this?

Bears - Even if it'll kill me, must hug.

Heaven Is For Real - OR, How I spent my summer vocation.

Transcendence - Depp finally becomes one with his hats.


Yeah... I have nothing to say about Heaven Is For Rizzle. I was tired of the story being told everywhere when it was a book. Now that it's a movie, nothing has changed. 

Some of you may be wondering about Bears, so let me paint you a picture. Close your eyes and... Wait, okay, don't close your eyes, you have to read this. You can close your eyes afterwards, if you're tired or whatever. Actually, if you need a nap we'll just wait here for you and pick it up when you're refreshed. PAUSE................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................UNPAUSE. Feel better now? Good. So now let me cover Bears. Picture if you would an ensemble film like The Avengers, but instead featuring the likes of Winnie the Pooh, Paddington Bear, Corduroy Bear, Humphrey the Bear, all brought together to stop an evil force. If you will, Yogi and Booboo will be the Thor and Loki of the picture. The hero bears must come together to stop Booboo's evil plan of setting off the giant volcano that lays slumbering under Jellystone. It's a race against time for these heroes. Rated PG-13. Nice, huh? So, yeah, Bears is just a nature doc like you've probably already seen on TV several times.

What to say about A Haunted House 2? At least it's slightly more relevant than a Mrs. Doubtfire sequel? Seriously, what's the premise for that, his now grown up kids want nothing to do with him and won't let him see their own children, so he poses as Mrs. Doubtfire again, and takes up residence as a nanny, and they're all too stupid to remember it's him? *Breathe* Anyhoo, I never had any desire for the first Haunted House movie. This one seems equally disposable. 

Think anyone's ever going to let Johnny Depp know he can break character now?

Yes, Transcendence is all sci-fi and creepy, and I'll probably watch it out of theaters, but I'm still tired of Johnny Depp. I said it last year that he needs to go away for awhile so I can like him again, but yet here we are, and he's refused to take my suggestion. Mind you, the movie itself could be interesting. The technology featured is creepily not too far off in the future. No word on whether the film is based on one of Ray Kurzweil's wet dreams. Certainly sounds that way.

*************On DVD*************

I watched Odd Thomas this past week, and now I'm bummed out that the whole distribution mess left the film shelved so long. Aside from some issues of pacing, I thought the movie was a lot of fun. I haven't read the Dean Koontz books so I can't say how close it skews to them, but the film is great. Left me wishing for a sequel with Anton Yelchin reprising his role. And more Willem Dafoe. His character was not given nearly enough screen time. At any rate it's worth a buck at redbox, so you should check it out.

I also finally watched Frozen. It was an okay film. I love the strong female characters it's presenting for girls, but overall I thought the film was sort of bland. I certainly don't get why it's been as huge as it has, nor do I understand why everyone loves the songs. I thought the music was the worst part of the film. No, wait, the snowman was. I don't think he could have been more annoying. But ultimately, it's for children, and as children are pretty annoying themselves, I guess it's a matter of like things attracting one another.


So what are your thoughts on this week's releases?


Monday, April 14, 2014

An X-istential Crisis



INT: 
Professor Xavier's School For the Gifted. We find the X-Men gathered in a parlor discussing the latest battle scars and victories. Rogue has been telling everyone about her latest triumph over Mystique. Cyclops sits brooding and it's clear that something is weighing on his mind. He stands to speak:

Cyclops: 
"Guys, there's something I've been pondering for awhile. If you don't mind, while Professor Xavier is napping I'd like to get your opinion on the issue."

Storm: 
"Speak on Cyclops, you have our attention."

Cyclops: 
"The thing is our name has been bothering me lately."

Wolverine: 
"You want we should start calling you One-Eye?"

Cyclops: 
[Flips Wolverine off] 
"Not my name Logan, the team name."

Jean: 
"You don't like being an X-Man?"

Cyclops: 
"That's just it, why are we the X-Men?"

Storm: 
"Because we fly under the banner of Professor Xavier."

Cyclops: 
"Exactly. But meanwhile who are the ones doing all the actual work? Who are the ones risking their lives each day? Us. Meanwhile Mr. sit in my chair and act all helpless does nothing all day."

Rogue: 
"You know that's true. The other day I asked the Professor to rinse out his tea cup. I don't remember him saying anything but a minute later I was drying out his now clean cup. I think I might have been violated by him."

Wolverine: 
"Does that to me all the time. I even caught him eating my salami one day. Looked up at me like 'what are you gonna do about it?' I don't think he even likes salami."

Cyclops: 
"All the more reason that we should consider changing our name. We should go with something that represents the team as a whole."

Nightcrawler: 
"I like The Fighting Irish."

Cyclops: 
"That one's already taken by Notre Dame."

Nightcrawler: 
"I still like it."

Cyclops: 
"I was thinking of something more along the lines of The Stingrays or The Righteous Justice Club."

Nightcrawler: 
"How about WalMart?"

Cyclops: 
"Okay, you're just looking at a the newspaper. You're disqualified."

Nightcrawler: 
"Ooh, sale on bras..."

Kitty Pryde: 
"How about The Marshmallow Bandits?"

Cyclops: 
"No, Kitty, that hardly strikes fear into evil's heart. Jean, do you have any ideas?"

Jean: 
"...Uh, how about The X-Men. Oh, sorry, I panicked."

Cyclops: 
"Storm?"

Storm: 
"I shall ask Mother Earth. Whooosh!"

Wolverine: 
"Stop whooshing in my ear."

It is at this moment that Professor Xavier having sensed something was amiss, has wandered in to listen.

Xavier: 
"What are you all so animated over this evening?

Cyclops: 
"We've been thinking about changing our name to something better represents us."

Xavier: 
"Far be it from me to hold you back on changing your name. What do you think Wolverine?"

Wolverine: 
[A funny look is on his face like he's in a trance] 
"I think we should call ourselves The X-Men, but just not have the X stand for Xavier. Then we won't have to get new luggage or anything."

The others in the room now wear a similar dazed expression are agreeing profusely with Logan. 

Xavier: 
"Then it's settled. What shall we do now team?"

Wolverine: 
"I think I'm going to get you some of my hidden salami."

Rogue: 
"I'll get you some tea, as soon as I wash up the dishes."

The others voice similar aspirations.

Xavier: 
"Well, that sounds lovely everyone, thank you.


Friday, April 11, 2014

7 Word Weekend Movie Discussion: Draft Day, Oculus, Rio 2, Joe, Cuban Fury



New Movie Releases Reviewed In 7 Words Each


Draft Day - Because the real day is so thrilling.

Oculus - Not the opthamologist documentary you're hoping for.

Rio 2 - Somehow saying 'meh' is still too passionate.

Joe (limited) - Welcome back to good movies Nicolas Cage.

Cuban Fury (limited) - Nick Frost salsa dancing... nothing else matters.


You know that place between sleeping and awake? That's where Kevin Costner lives.

True Story.

Yes, I actually want to see Draft Day. I am the kind of football nerd who will sit and watch the draft. Many a year I've booed at the TV sure they'd hear me. That said, not in any way a theatrical viewing for me. The cast is just so uninspiring I'm afraid I'd fall asleep. Not that movie theater sleep isn't the best sleep in the world, just that it's pricey.

With both Karen Gillan and Katee Sackhoff starring, Oculus is geek heaven. Word has been good on the ghostly horror film. There hasn't been a decent horror film out in awhile so I expect it'll do pretty good. Especially since it was relatively cheap.

I never had any interest in the first Rio, so the sequel holds nothing for me. I suppose those small versions of humans called children might feel differently. It's battling Captain America, but it should still do good, as animated films always do.

All I'll say on Cuban Fury is that if God is kind, it'll play near me. Love Nick Frost, Chris O'Dowd and Rashida Jones, but in a salsa dancing love triangle???? What more could you want in a movie?

Joe has a lot of buzz around it. Word being that Nic Cage has returned to his former glory. Which is good, cause he can be a lot of fun when he's not doing crappy movies or being the internet's biggest joke.


So what do you think about this week's releases?



Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Luther Is Back As BBC Unveils Plans For Animated 'Lil' Luther'



Everyone's favorite hands-in-pockets detective is back. Although probably not in a form you'll recognize him. The new animated version, Lil' Luther will harken back to the crime solving master's dark childhood. Such mysteries as beloved pets missing, and serial lunch money thefts will be featured. 

It's unclear if the new cartoon will be for children, or for adults. It is also currently unknown if Idris Elba will reprise his role. Neil Cross creator of Luther, did say at the very least we'd see a familiar face:

"Alice will be there. It's hardly going to be gospel when it comes to a timeline."

No word on when the show might start but one thing's for certain, we here at TNR will be waiting anxiously.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Weekend Movie Discussion: Noah, Cesar Chavez, Sabotage





No doubt, Noah will be a curious film to watch this weekend. A biblical film not aimed at Christians, and done as a blockbuster with a heavy budget, is an interesting prospect to sell. I know a lot of Christians are up in arms over the movie, but I'm more neutral on the issue. Is it going to fall in line with my faith? No. Will it affect my faith? No. Is it worth watching? I like Darren Aronofsky. He makes films that are intelligent, and also visually fantastic. The Fountain (which I've heard a couple people compare Noah to thematically) is a beautifully shot movie with a story that requires more than one viewing. For me at least, I won't be watching it because I'm looking for a means of reaffirming my faith -no movie's going to do that- but to see one of the most interesting film makers today, at work.

And because I like watching destruction. Okay, mostly because of the destruction. But the other thing sounded good, yes?

Here's what I know about Cesar Chavez: Caesar makes the salad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and the whole labor rights for farm workers thing. I guess that was important or whatever. I'm curious to watch the film, though I haven't heard too much on it, which is not necessarily a great sign. Still I like biopics and it'll be interesting to see how they showcase the civil rights hero.

Then there was Sabotage, the Arnold Schwarzenegger violence extravaganza. And violent seems to be the key word I keep hearing about the film. That and such exemplary praise as "okay" and "not bad" and, yes, even "adequate". I mean this is fine and dandy, and Arnold's turn in the next Terminator (which sounds bizarre), will be fun and all, but when is he going to do the Kindergarten Cop sequel the people want -nay, demand? 

Finally, out in limited is the sequel to the fantastic (though again hyper violent) The Raid. The Raid 2 takes more of a story telling approach this time around while making the action scenes count. Lot of violence in the movies this weekend. Violence and salad.


So what do you think of the films out this weekend?

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