Monday, June 29, 2015

On The Confederate Flag

This weekend, on the main street of my city, a group of people were lined up waving Confederate flags in their happy little protest. This upset me, not just because the flag is a symbol of hatred and hurt, but also because it was in my town. See, much as I dislike where I live currently, at least I've been able to watch the news (I say watch, but really that's just an antiquated term I use to mean digesting a thousand articles online each week like a normal person) and say happily at the idiots parading through ritualized asininity "at least they haven't gone that far here". That last shred was taken from me this weekend. Thanks guys.

I didn't grow up in the south, for which I'm grateful. I have lived in Tennessee for over a decade where I've come to appreciate a lot of things about my state, as well as come to hate several others. In many ways I treat my southern brethern as a parent arguing with another parent about whose kid it is when they're doing something stupid (brother-parents not something without precedent in the south). Usually this mentality goes hand in hand with a story about someone blowing themselves up while fishing. That's right, fishing.

However, much as I'd like to just roll my eyes at them, it's a little hard when they're out on the streets waving flags that are large enough to sail boats with. Worse yet, a couple of the people I saw were actually dressed up in confederate uniforms. That has to make for an awkward conversation at work the next day with their black co-workers (cause surprisingly only white people were lined up).

"Oh,hey...William."
"..."
"I waved to you as you drove by me on Saturday."
"Yeah, I saw."
"You know I'm just supporting history, right? Doesn't have anything to do with anything else."
"..."
"You're still on the bowling team, right?"

And that is by the way one of the stupidest arguments regarding the Confederate flag. Its history. Your ancestor's legacy is sewn in the fabric of the flag, I understand that. The good is in there with the bad. No one is taking away your right to hold on to your heritage. 

Look, when it comes down to it, your Great- (insert as many multiples as necessary to complete your ancestral history) Grandfather fought and bled for his side of the country, and his beliefs. He was also probably very proud of his testicles. And his balls are your heritage. But believe me when I say, we don't need to see his balls flying from the top of a state building. 

It's okay if you want to think about what his balls mean to you and your rich tapestry of familial history. It's okay if you feel the need to pass his balls down to your children, telling stories, and reading old civil war diaries your grandfather wrote about his balls. As an American, it's even your right to fly your grandfather's balls in your front yard if you so choose. Mind you, we will all find you disgusting, but that is your right.

It's your right to look at your grandfather's testicles and see the great man who bore them through all the working and breathing and living and dying he did. But just remember, for everyone else, we just see a pair of shriveled up testicles. And frankly, it's gross.



Friday, June 5, 2015

What Cats Are Saying About Entrourage

We once again polled some local cats to find out their opinions. This time we wanted to know what they thought of the new movie 'Entourage'.





'Sir Reginald Plumperdink'
"You know who I like? I like that Christian Bale. Is he in this film? No? In that case I'll probably pass. But, you know, let me know if it turns out he was in it."





'Mrs. Kisses'
"Mr. Selfridge is great in this period piece, which sees him starting up a new mega Walmart with a bunch of his Brahs."






'The Duchess Gary Cooper'
"I prefer the original version with Charlton Heston where the apes take over the world."





'Melvin'
"This movie was too stupid for me."




Can You Spot The 7 Differences In These 2 Pictures?

Time to get your eagle eyes out. It's a classic game and the rules are simple. See how many differences you can spot in the two pictures below. 1-3 you need glasses. 4-5 you're doing great. 6-7 you're a legend! Post your results below.























How to waste time on the internet





We spend a lot of time- some people might say too much time- browsing, searching, researching and generally messing around on the internet. We've formed a close, near-symbiotic relationship with the net, however with such a never-ending font of information at our disposal, the spectre of internet-enabled procrastination is ever-present. If you're going to waste your time on the net - don't lie to yourself, now - then here are some of the best ways to do so.


Wikipedia Trawling


"Hmm, I wonder what Wikipedia has to say about pre-historic humanity". Three hours later you're still reading, have amassed a collection of tabs that can be seen from space, and are having that very particular sort of fairly engaging, hollow fun that only Wikipedia entries can grant. You'll learn a lot, but will undoubtedly struggle to remember any of it the next day; time waste accomplished!


Playing Games


As you are probably highly aware, there are a heck of a lot of free games on the internet, all jostling amongst one another, vying for your shreds of attention. Head to fallingsandgame.com to get your mitts on lots of fun, creative particle-based games that appear to have been designed with time-leeching in mind, or, if you're feeling particularly industrious, head over to Sloto Cash and try out their rather silly Golden Retriever slots game; you'll be able to play and win with real cash, meaning your gaming will be almost as productive as the real work you're putting off doing!


Trolling


I don't condone trolling. It's an annoying activity that needlessly angers people and takes time away from useful, productive activities. If you're reading this article though, chances are you don't care about any of that, so study this WikiHow article and go off in to the wilds of the internet, infuriating evangelists, experts, enthusiasts and smart-arses of all colours and creeds.



Geocities


Remember Geocities? If you're under the age of twenty or over the age of fifty-five, the likelihood is you probably don't, so let me enlighten you. Before Facebook, Myspace or even Bebo, there was Geocities, a wonderful internet community of DIY web designers. These were people armed with nothing put a dream, some useless information and a vast bank of low quality GIFs and clipart images. It was a place where seminal sites such as Toby Bear's Place, Round Rock Citizens Police Academy Alumni Association, and The Dead Animal Society Of Git existed, acting as a virtual whiteboard for the thoughts of all manner of kooky individuals and garnering praise from all quarters. It came as no surprise, then, that when Geocities shut down a few years ago, it was quickly archived and restored, becoming oocities. In an instant, an incredibly important cultural e-poch was saved from destruction! Go and browse - it's an amazing journey!





Do you know of any better ways to waste time on the net? Tell us where these dens are, in the comments section!

Friday, May 29, 2015

Letters From Superheros Issue #2: Batman vs Superman

Dear Bruce,

It is out of respect to our friendship that I address this letter to you rather than to Wayne Enterprises's subsidiary, Gotham Noodle Co. Recently I have had issue with one of their products. I know you're a busy (Bat)man (wink;)), so I don't know how familiar you are with the product line. Having enjoyed several Bucket'O-Noodles in the past, it was with great interest that I picked up their newest flavor, 'Ragin' Ramen', which boasts a "delicate blend of seasonings and jalapenos."

I don't have many, what you might call, "allergies," so I happily ignored the peanut warning and added it to my shopping cart. The next day for lunch I was ready to indulge. I settled into my usual routine -Park bench; laptop where I could watch my stories, and of course my noodles. No one was around so I did the old heating it with my laser vision trick, and promptly dug in. It is there that the horror began.

I have no issue with the flavors. Gotham Noodle Co. has always been on the cutting edge when it comes to Ramen. What I do take issue with is almost being killed. When you include a warning about peanuts, you might also think to mention that it's made in a plant that processes Kryptonite. Imagine my surprise when I woke up in the hospital. You better believe the doctors who took care of me got a good laugh when they saw the big "S" under my shirt. Naturally there was nothing they could do but treat the symptoms. The Kryptonite had to pass through my system.

And oh, wasn't that a fun time in bathroom. Like eating Taco Bell for a straight week.

Rather than pursuing any legal recourse, I am sending you my medical bills. My insurance could cover them, but I see no reason for them to pay out, when it's a result of your company's negligence. And in the future I suggest not processing Kryptonite near food, or at all for that matter. Seriously, there's no reason to mess around with that stuff.

Anyhoo, hope all is well with you. See you at the next meeting.


~Clark
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