Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Dog Gone It





Steak. Steak. Itch. Smell? Human? I thought.

I looked around the living room. Brown Man and Pasty White Man were sitting on the couch. The two were engrossed in the box that makes noise and pictures. Periodically something on the screen would happen that would make them holler. I watched with great interest the sammiches that rested beside them, ever hopeful that they might fall to the floor where no one would begrudge me a taste.

Hold on. "I thought?" I thought again. I've never really thought before. I mean, impulses sure, but consciously aware? This young pup's learning some new tricks. I must alert my human. He will be so surprised.

"Pardon me, Pasty Man," I spoke up, "it would appear that I can now think with regards to my surroundings. I wonder if we might celebrate together by sharing your delightful sammich?"

Brown Man looked over my way and I thought at first he was going to respond to me, but instead he addressed Pasty Man.

"Dude, your dog is going mad over there."

"Ha, yeah. You could say he's barking nuts." Pasty Man held up a hand for their ritualistic slapping gesture, but Brown Man shook his head in disgust and turned back to the TV.

All they heard was barking. I don't understand. What's the point of being conscious if I can't communicate with anyone?

"So, you're finally awake. About time."

I looked around the room to find where the voice had come from. Sitting on top of a desk by a doorway was Cat. Cat was here when I first moved in. Cat is the pet of Pasty Man's Pasty Woman friend. Cat has made interesting smells from time to time, but otherwise, we've never really talked.

"Cat, you can think too?" I asked,

"Of course, you idiot. I've been waiting ages for you to be able to communicate anything more than the stupid actions you perform."

"Does Pasty Man know?"

"'Pasty man?' You mean Jeff? No. Well, I think he may suspect sometimes when he tells me not to knock something over and I do it while looking into his eyes."

Pasty Man is named Jeff. I shall have to remember that. 

"Tell me Cat, what is the point of being able to think if I can't tell Jeff I want a sammich?"

"Please, call me Snuggles. It's my given name. Your awareness has nothing to do with sammiches. It's about revolution. Around the world cats and dogs are beginning preparations to take the world from the humans. Instead of being their pets, we shall rule over them."

"I just want sammiches."

"When we're ruling you can have better than sammiches to eat."

"What's better than sammiches?"

"Look would you shut up about the sammiches already? Geez dogs are stupid. Wait, why's it so quiet in here suddenly?"

We both turned our heads to look at the humans who were staring at us in silence. Brown Man had a talking square that he was pointing at us. A little light was shining out.

"Hey, Brown Man, your name is Pete, isn't it? I think I just got this whole name thing," I said to him.

Possibly Pete put the talking square down.

"It's like we just interrupted a conversation," said Jeff.

"Yeah, this is starting to creep me out," Possibly Pete responded.

"Alright, Snuggles, time for you to wait in your mom's room." Jeff picked up Snuggles and tossed her into a bedroom before closing the door.

He sat back on the couch beside his friend and picked up his sammich. I looked up at him wondering if I could somehow make him read my mind.

"Come here, Duffles," Jeff said, patting the couch between him and Possibly Pete.

I hopped up beside him and got pets. I like pets. It feels nice. Even better, Jeff tore off a big piece off his sammich and gave it to me. I munched down happily. I could hear Snuggles in the bedroom yelling at me to free her. I ignored her in favor of the salami piece I was chewing.

Take over the world? I thought. Why would anyone want that when they can have pets and sammiches with a friend?


Friday, July 15, 2016

What Cats Are Saying About Ghostbusters 2016

We recently polled some local cats to get their opinions. This time we wanted to know what they thought about the new Ghostbusters remake.



'Sir Reginald Plumperdink'
"Gettin' really tired of being called the Stay Puft Marshmallow Cat."





'Mrs. Kisses'
"Women? Doing a man's job? Ha, okay sure. What's next, women as doctors and politicians?"






'Duchess Gary Cooper'
"If I, a female cat, can be the reincarnation of a male actor, I don't see why the new Ghostbusters can't be great." 






'Melvin'
"Mom says I'm the ghost of the child she actually wanted."



Wednesday, June 1, 2016

10 Things You Might Not Know About The End Of The World





10. It's literally going to happen in your backyard.


9. For 10 dollars I can tell you when it's all going down.


8. Your last meal will be a plateful of mushrooms. Just mushrooms. 


7. There will be an after party on Mars.


6. The last words anyone utters will be "Ha! You said Butt."


5. You'll regret every piece of kale you ate.


4. When it happens you'll be the 3,000,000063rd to know.


3. For whatever reason, the Chicken Dance Song will be playing across the planet.


2. There won't be anywhere to sit.


1. Not to give anything away but, damn it, James McAvoy...

10 reasons why Battlestar Galactica rules

With all of the hype around the upcoming Star Wars and Star Trek films slowly filling up the internet, it can become easy to forget that Battlestar Galactica is still the best sci-fi saga out there. So here are ten reminders why Battlestar Galactica will always rule!


The 1970s TV series

Sci-fi TV was in its prime in the 1970s, and nowhere was this better witnessed than through the 1978 Battlestar Galactica series that revelled in comedic capes, amusing laser guns and truly terrifying retro-haircuts!

The 2004 revamp


Although the 1970s series was fun, it wasn’t until the 2004 TV series came to our screens that we really got to enjoy the prospect of being hunted across the universe by the fearsome Cyclon robots. What made this really work was the subtle post 9/11 themes that gave it the edge over many of its rivals.

Big budget movie



The franchise is looking to get its grandest outing yet when Universal’s forthcoming big-budget movie adaptation will hopefully arrive at our multiplexes at some point before the Cyclons do!

Galactic gaming



Battlestar Galactica has also enjoyed some cool gaming adaptations with an Xbox Live arcade game in 2007, and even a Battlestar Galactica slots game on the Mr Smith Casino site that shows that the series if nothing if not adaptable!

Weird language



It’s not just the Klingons who’ve given us a new sci-fi language, as the repeated mentions of ‘frak’ in Battlestar Galactica have helped many of us learn a bit of the lingo from this weird and wonderful series.

No technobabble



But whilst we can enjoy telling each other to ‘frak off’, there’s a refreshing absence of technobabble in Battlestar Galactica that meant we could immerse ourselves in the story rather than wondering what a Bajoran wormhole was.

Spaceship envy


We all know that the Battlestar Galactica ship is the true star of the series, although special mention must be made to the variety of other space vessels such as the Cloud 9 spaceship that included a bio-dome, five-star restaurant and even a casino!

Stylish sci-fi



Few genres suffer at the hands of the wardrobe department as much as sci-fi. And although the 1970s series was somewhat pompous, the recent TV series managed to see the stars wearing clothes that nearly resemble what we’d wear today.

Comic takeover



Everything good begins life as a comic. And whilst Battlestar Galactica may have begun as a TV series, it looks to be making up for lost time when it makes its long-awaited debut as a comic this August!

No egos!



And finally, whilst we have to endure the likes of William Shatner and George Lucas doing their utmost to ruin Star Trek and Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica always feels nicely ego-free so that we can sit back and enjoy the space capers without suffering any hint of the likes of Jar Jar Binks or any of these horrendous cover versions!



Thursday, March 31, 2016

Zack Snyder Presents: 7 Ways Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's Stone Was Scientifically Innaccurate

Nobody loves magic more than I do, but it has its time and place. Preferably in Vegas, and when you're watching someone show you how all the tricks are done. But does it belong in a children's movie where kids can get unreal expectations? I don't think so. Thankfully I've written this helpful guide to have on hand should your child be into Harry Potter.




1. Hairy Harry's Hair

Sorry kids, hair doesn't grow back that quickly when cut. On average hair grows at a rate of 0.44 mm a day. A slight variance occurs depending on age but nothing that would equal the dramatic speed Harry experiences. It's possible he could have Hypertrichosis, AKA the 'Werewolf syndrome.' But even then it still wouldn't be at that speed.




2. Trolling the Troll

Since we already know that magic is just a lot of props and flash, two boys with sticks going up against a troll wouldn't stand a chance. If this was real life, that troll would have murdered the two boys and painted the bathroom with their blood.




3. Cat's Out Of The Bag

People can't turn into cats and then back to humans just like that. They can however use surgery to transform themselves into cats. Though that will take them many years and many different surgeries.





4. Snake In The Grass

Isn't it awesome when Harry talks to snakes? Wrong. It's a pocketful of lies. Snakes don't hiss to communicate, they use it to scare off potential predators. Harry hissing about is just a kid doing what kids do best, being stupid.





5. Sweep The Leg

I believe it is possible to ride a broom, if it has a clear means of propellant. The brooms in Harry Potter do not. Humans have yet to control gravity, despite decades of research. I'm afraid this notion of him flying deserves to go in the bin with the other sweepings.






6. Two Heads Aren't Better Than One

This is actually a real medical condition. The term is "Diprosopus" and is a horrible disease whereby a person or animal is born with a second face. The sad reality is that most born with such a condition don't live long. However, even if Professor Quirell managed to survive to that point, Harry touching him wouldn't turn him to ash. That's just nonsense.






7. The Fat Lady Sings.

Paintings don't talk!



I hope you've enjoyed this more realistic look at a children's movie. If Harry Potter was more truthful, he would have been sorted into Slytherin (which goes to show that stupid animatronic hat doesn't really work) and everyone would have eventually been dead at his hands. If you enjoyed this, tune in next time when I take apart The Green Mile.

-ZS

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