Friday, February 12, 2010

The Back Page (non-obits)

Smokey "The Bear" Bear
1944 - 2010

Outspoken conservationist, Smokey the Bear, has died. Famous for his slogan "only you can prevent forest fires" as well as numerous TV spots, Smokey spoke to a generation who loved burning trees. In his personal life, Smokey was laid back. He would often sleep for months at a time. Ironically, having spent years trying to put out fires, it was lung cancer from a five pack a day habit that ended his life. He is survived by a wife and 18 children.

1964 - 2010

Sad news music fans, 8-Track is officially dead. Tom Schilling of Wanabush, Illinois, had been for the past 20 years, laboring under the belief that the format would make a return. However in a statement issued by Tom this past Tuesday, he admitted that he may have been wrong. Tom's friend Jeff said of Tom's decision "I was relieved to hear the news. I love Tom, but you just couldn't talk to the guy about it. It completely ruled his life." No word yet on if Tom has let go of Betamax yet.

That turtle you saw crossing the road when you were 9
???? - 2010

You remember him right? You were so excited when you saw him crossing the road while you were in the backseat of the car. You were picking at a tiny hole in the upholstery, when out of the corner of your eye you spotted him. You exclaimed to your parents who looked to see him, but refused to stop so you could pick him up. Well sadly the chance will never come since he passed away this week.


Harry Morgan
1915 - 

Best known for role as Colonel Sherman T. Potter on the series M*A*S*H, Harry Morgan was surprised to learn this past Wednesday that he was still alive. "Came as a big surprise to me," he remarked to reporters, "not that I wasn't glad to hear it. I always liked me on that mash show." Some credit his longevity to diet and exercise, while others theorize about a magical gemstone he procured on a trip to Egypt. One thing's for sure though, we wish him another happy 95 years.


  1. I always wondered why they dropped the 'The' and just called him
    Smokey Bear. That is so lame.
    8 tracks carry fond memories for me...I used to have an 8 track player in my car...

  2. Who smoked Smokey the smoking bear? (wow, used one too many times the word 'smoke' turns nonsensical pretty quickly, doesn't it?)

  3. @joe, Triple lame. lol

    @Kristy, Nonsense is what makes the world go round. That and physics.

  4. I thought you were going to say Cheap Trick is dead! Cheap Trick will live forever!

  5. The thing I loved about Smokey is that he was REAL bear. Yeh he wore the pants and the hat and carried the shovel but he never wore the Ranger shirt. He stayed true to his bear roots. Not like that fricken' ROOT BEAR. A sweater AND a touque? WTF? You are a BEAR. It's summer. Wear the hat if you life but take off that god damn sweater you freak. Don't get me started on the evil that is 'Chubby Chicken'.

  6. Yeah, he really was a bear's bear. I just hope those rumors of spousal abuse back in the 70's was fabricated.

  7. Totally made up by that damn forest media. He did slap a girl bear but she was NOT his wife and had been drinking and lighting small fires in the part.

    wv - COCAL

  8. Those were hilarious. I'm only saddened by the fact that I never got a chance to try an 8-track. Those were just barely (like mere days) before my time.

  9. @Cal, Lol, good to know. I think I know the bear you're talking about. Cindy or something like that? Used to run with Yogi, till he found her and Booboo in a compromised position.

    @Reputation, Before my time actually. But I knew a guy like the one I described. He cracked me up.


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