Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Non-Review: Dear John (Shrunken Heads review)


Thomas: Hello and welcome once again. Today we will be reviewing Dear John.

Smith: I hate this time of year.

Thomas: I know, it can be a lonely time of the year if you're single.

Smith: Stupid Groundhog's Day. Actually though I was referring to the slow movie period. There's rarely anything worth dropping money on.

Thomas: True, but we are professionals first and foremost. Now, what did you think about Dear John?

Smith: To be honest I was surprised. I was expecting the standard Nicholas Sparks saccharine formula. Instead I was blown away by an excellent film with a great pace and fantastic cast.

Thomas: Wow, I'm shocked. You usually complain about having to review romantic movies. So what in particular grabbed you?

Smith: Oh by far Travolta's performance. It's been years since we've seen him playing this crazy. It's really his strength as an actor and the character really comes to life in his hands. He's funny and insane, and shoots a lot of people, what more could you ask for?

Thomas: What?

Smith: And then there's Johnathan Rhys Meyers, who I already loved from 'The Tudors.' He plays the standard straight man to Travolta's trigger happy mania. If I had been the casting director I wouldn't have chosen him for the role. But he played it perfectly, showing why I'm just a lowly head, doing the reviewing.

Thomas: Smith, that's 'From Paris With Love.'

Smith: Huh?

Thomas: That's not 'Dear John.' You saw the wrong movie.

Smith: No, because Howard assured me that's what we were seeing.

Thomas: What do you mean Howard? Who's Howard?

Howie: Hey bitches! No formalities between us, it's Howie. I'm here to rock your world back to November!

Thomas: Damn. Howard Montgomery. You're that annoying man that used to follow us around trying to latch on to our expeditions. Smith, what is he doing here?

Smith: Jeffrey was sick this week, so Howard filled in.

Howie: Yeah, it must have been something he didn't eat! Get it? I'm the funniest Shrunken head. Ever.

Thomas: Listen Howard, you clearly followed us too far and got yourself decapitated, but that doesn't mean you're one of us. I've always appreciated your enthusiasm for, how did you put it years ago, "maps and crap?"

Howie: Maps and crap.

Thomas: The thing is, that doesn't make you qualified to circumnavigate the globe. Apparently it doesn't even enable you to navigate a movie theater. I'm sorry Howard, but this is just not the right place for your, er, peculiar talents?

Howie: Like blowing *censored* up?

Thomas: Exactly. I'd suggest you'd be better off pursuing something in that field by yourself. Preferably far away from us.

Howie: You guys want to hear something funny? Right before they cut off my head I was singing 'Let the Bodies Hit the Floor.' How awesome is that?

Smith: So I really didn't see Dear John? Crap. Howard you're an idiot. I don't suppose Dear John has a lot of action and fun, hopefully with a slice of Travolta?

Thomas: Channing Tatum, or "Tatums" as you refer to him and Amanda Seyfried in a tearjerker.

Smith: I hate you Howard.

Howie: Wanna go see Avatar again? I've only seen it 23 times.

Thomas: I guess I should wrap up this disaster. For the record, Dear John is by no means the best Nicholas Sparks adaptation, but is still a decent film. I have enjoyed Channing Tatum in other films, and while he was adequate in this, I can't help but feel his talents are wasted here. And frankly no matter how everyone tries to sell me on Amanda Seyfried I find the fact that she looks like a cat with bug eyes distracting. Overall not a bad movie to see with a date. Any final thoughts? Just Smith.

Smith: Apparently, From Paris With Love is a good film. Unfortunately Dear John is not the same movie.

Howie: You bitches like Killian's?

4 comments:

  1. Do you choose these movies for these poor spuds to review because that is not fair. I personally wouldn't send any fruit or vegetable to that crappy film.

    Aren't these Victorian foodstuffs still amazed by the the moving picture show? Moving cars, and faster moving women sans bonnet?

    I do however like Amanada Seyfried but I need to see her use more guns and fight more demon chicks.

    I hate RomComs so much and when the most interesting thing about the actor is that he got his pee pee burned by hot water then you need a new PR person...or burn more pee pees. Make 'em jump all around the tea kettle. NOW we got us a movie.

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  2. They're shrunken heads, not vegetables. Two Englishmen and one Frenchman. THough your point about RomComs is valid. lol

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