Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Non-Interview: (non) Selena Gomez

Non-Review: You both act as well as sing, which do you prefer?
Non-Selena: Actually I prefer to combine them both and generally I sing conversation when I talk to people. Some say it's a bit weird but I find it has a way of putting all the perverts around me to sleep so security can safely cart them away. I don't like to see anyone clubbed or tazered.

Non-Review: If you were a tree, what would you fear the most?
Non-Selena: Like everyone, squirrels in my crevaces. Because unless I have long enough branches to scratch then it would be very uncomfortable and I like to be able to scratch where I itch.

Non-Review: What do you think of Miley Cyrus?
Non-Selena: I approve of all the actions she takes both privately and professionally because that only takes the pressure off me. We had a meeting early on and she agreed to be the one Disney Girl to say outrageous things and snap her gum and take older Russian guys to public events.

Non-Review: Now what do you really think of Miley Cyrus?
Non-Selena: At first, I thought she would bail but she had taken on the roll of Disney 'skank' like a trooper. You could be forgiven to think at times that she really enjoyed all that negative press but that is only because she is so good at acting like she likes it. She does have a fetish for wearing shorts that is weird and I know she reads at a 3rd grade level but overall she is great.

Non-Review: If you could perform with any celebrity alive or dead, who would it be?
Non-Selena: The Selena I am named after. We could do a whole tour where I play the live Selena and she plays the dead Selena. Of course we would have to have her lip synch her songs but if we put that on the posters before hand I think it would work out.

Non-Review: Saltines or Cheez-Its?
Non-Selena: Saltines - I love to slowly lick off the salt. Do you know that people have offered to pay money to see me do that. People are weird.

Non-Review: If you were a rapping baby what would your gangster name be?
Non-Selena: Well I like 'Go-Go' because my last name is Gomez and I always am on the go (get it!) Maybe I would just add the word 'princess' and be 'Princess Go Go'. I would be HUGE in Japan. Plus then I can wear costumes which would make my buddy Cal very happy.

Non-Review: Finally, What do you think of Calvin's Canadian Cave of Coolness?
Non-Selena: At first I thought he was weird but then I realized that I like me and I hate octopus too so we have tons in common. I like that he doesn't crush on all of us but it loyal to me and for that I think I know someone who is getting a 'saltine video' for his birthday personally delivered by someone in a Batgirl suit. (giggles). And have you seen his blog? I gotta go there at least once a day for  a good laugh. I email him my comments because then everyone else would find this gem and my boy would be overwhelmed with the attention. I love him.

I'd like to thank Cal for playing the part of Non-Selena. Your answers were funny and more than a little disturbing. If you don't already follow him, please stop by his blog at the above link. His blog is a mash of really fantastic stuff he finds around the web and a very humorous and often colorful commentary.

I will be looking for others to non-interview in the future. If anyone is interested in participating it's quite easy. Just drop me a line and I will get back to you with details.


  1. Actually I got one comment on Twitter. They loved it.

  2. I love the Non-Interview series....

    Wait a minute..... That wasn't the real Selena Gomez?!?!?! Whaaaaaaaaaat?

  3. Biscuits and gravy brother, biscuits and gravy.

  4. Squirrels in my crevices. I'm rolling!

  5. Sometimes I feel I am barely worthy of reading such coolness..

  6. Ha the squirrels in crevices line is great! ... and my brain is now in the slow process of trying to think of someone fun to volunteer/pester you to let me do this.

    Awesome I idea Hendrik, and great writing Cal.

  7. Ha, actually I was already figuring on asking you if you'd be interested.


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