Thursday, April 29, 2010

Non-Review: Human Centipede (First Sequence) - Reviewed by an 8 year old girl

My name is Tina. My mother dropped me off at a party this afternoon. It was my friend Juni's birthday and a bunch of us went to see a movie. The party was great. Juni's mom rented out a room at the theater and we had cake and pizza. We even had these grab bags that were full of candy and toys! For the movie we were supposed to see How To Train Your Dragon. Only I had to use the bathroom after drinking so much punch. I got separated from the group and ended up in the wrong movie.

As I sat in the theater I knew I was in the wrong one. There weren't any other kids there and the previews were for these weird looking movies I'd never heard of before. I was seated between two old fat guys who looked at me strangely before turning to watch the movie. I was nervous so I pretended like I was waiting for someone and that I belonged there. Then the movie started.

It was definitely not How To Train Your Dragon. It wasn't even a cartoon. The movie has these two ladies who get stranded when there car breaks down. They look around and find a house. Wait I forgot to mention they are in another country. I think Germany, cause my uncle is German. This house has a doctor in it and he seems helpful, but he's not.

They stay the night with him but when they wake up the morning they're trapped in a laboratory. There's a guy down there who is also trapped. I didn't understand everything the doctor says but I didn't have to, cause soon he does it, and I saw.

I covered my eyes with my hands a lot. But I kept peaking and eventually I couldn't help but look. It was so gross and scary. At one point I was looking at this woman crying while she was... I can't say. I couldn't watch so instead I looked at the fat guy to my left. He looked from the screen with a scared face and looked down at me. His face got worse looking at me. I don't know why but I think I made him uncomfortable. Maybe he was watching it by accident too. We spent the next couple minutes just looking at each other.

Finally the movie ended and I joined my group again. I don't think it was a good movie. It was gross and scary and now I'm afraid to go to sleep. Not cause of what happened to the people in the movie but because people liked the movie. At least I know the man beside me didn't enjoy it at all.


  1. Poor thing! I'm so sorry Tina, that sounds just awful.

  2. How rude of me...I almost forgot...

  3. Tina, ask your mom to sue the theater for letting you into an R rated movie. We can split the money, since it was my idea.

  4. I know both of those fat guys. Yes, they were both there by accident. They came to see the Green Mile, not realizing that it was actually the Green Zone, and still went in the wrong theater anyway. Did they at least share their popcorn?

  5. So that is why I was in the Dragon movie with all those little girls. I was gonna fess up and tell them who I really was but those gift bags were SWEET. I am wearing the batman earings right now and I never looked more beautiful.

  6. this is hilarious to me. I've spent the last couple days researching this movie, feeling utterly disturbed from the trailer and synopsis alone. somehow, my thoughts are perfectly captured by this. you're brilliant.

  7. You should have that girl review more often, she writes a good review.

  8. I was listening to an interview with the director of this movie.... It sounds really really scary....

    They've already given the green light to Human Centipede 2....


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