Friday, September 10, 2010

The 7 Word Weekend Movie Review: Resident Evil, Crazy Joaquin, and Martin Landau is a zombie

New Movies Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

I'm Still Here (limited) - Does anyone think Joaquin was really crazy?

Lovely, Still (limited) - Martin Landau is never going to die.

Resident Evil: Afterlife - This series is a metaphor for itself.

The Romantics (limited) - Who cares? Wake me when it's fall.

With apologies to Kal and those who love the Resident Evil series, I can't stand them. I find them bland and boring. For me to enjoy a zombie story it needs to be well written and not just flash and style. It doesn't help matters that I think Paul W.S. Anderson is a bad director and an even worse writer. I'm also not a great fan of Milla Jovovich. I've watched three of the movies, the first because I liked the games, the others because of... well, others. I have no more interest in a series that should have stayed dead. 

Yes, a zombie joke. Speaking of which... (oh I can hear the hatred for this segue).

I honestly thought Martin Landau was dead. In the past year I've watched older movies with him in them and remarked how great of an actor he was when he was alive. Others in turn have made similar comments! Nevertheless, I'm glad to see he's still kicking, and from a quick look at his credits, about to put out another thousand films. As for Lovely, Still... it's actually been around awhile, doing various film festivals for a couple years. It looks like a sweet film and from what I've heard should be good.

So Casey Affleck keeps trying to assert that his Joaquin Phoenix documentary is not a farce and that everything in it is real. I just find it hard to believe on so many, many levels. I guess I won't truly be able to judge until I've seen it, which I intend to when it hits video. I suppose that's the mark of good marketing. The craziness of Joaquin has sold a movie about the craziness of Joaquin. It's like an Escher painting only instead of crazy staircases it's just crazy.

Diary of a Wimpy KidSo I watched Diary of a Wimpy Kid this past weekend. The movie is written from the perspective of a kid who's entering sixth grade. He's got a bully for a brother, a... (I have no idea really how to describe it) friend of sorts (if you've seen Bad Santa, picture the kid in that) and an abnormally annoying set of parents. Let's start with the pluses, kids will probably love it because it's based on a series of comic books that swept through scholastic like a whirl wind. There are a couple of funny moments. A few giggles if you will.

End of good.

Mostly though I spent the duration of the running time wanting to punch whoever was on screen. With the exception of Chloe Moretz (Hit Girl from Kick-Ass) who was there for no apparent reason other than to enter a few scenes and exit again. The film is poorly directed, and doesn't feel that more fleshed out then a comic strip. The ending though is the worst as the inevitable moment where the main character is supposed to have his breakthrough and change for the better doesn't make any sense. He hasn't actually learned anything from his mistakes. There is no awakening, he just suddenly decides for no real reason, to change for the better. If you have kids they may want to see it, but I personally wouldn't recommend it. There are much more intelligent kid's films out there. 4 out of 10 

Have a great weekend everyone!


  1. So bad santa is better huh? BTW...what do the shrunken heads have to say about the Resident Evil series?

  2. take that back. Milla is a Godess and I could watch her watch paint dry. I wouldn't classify Resident evil movies as zombie movies. They are all action movies. Paul Anderson was amazing on Event Horizon. Not sure what else he has done.

    I don't care fo the ensamble cast on the RE movies. It takes some of the fear out of it.

  3. I also like the Resident Evil movies. But I've never thought Martin Landau was even a good actor, much less a great one.

    The segue was not corny, it was genius!

  4. Once again, you save me from movies that I might have wasted my time with. I wish I had seen any of the Resident Evil movies, but I didn't even play the video games, so I have a hard time holding on to my geek membership card. One of these days they're just going to take it away from me. But until then, I'll go put on my Darth Vadar costume, and build a nuclear reactor out of legos.

  5. I can't get past the fact that I've FINALLY found someone else who knows how to spell "segue". You have no idea how many people spell it "segway" and it drives me nutso (like pretty much everything else)...ha ha.

  6. Awesome Escher reference for the crazy film ... I don't quite get that whole 'situation' for lack of a better word.

    Bummer about Diary of a Wimpy kid, but not that surprising. I read the first book and it was enjoyable ('cute' would be the word most applicable I think). The guy who writes those is a programmer, so I may have given him bonus points just for that.

  7. If you want to see a really good zombie flick I recommend Zombieland if you haven't already seen it.

  8. Yeah, critics can't decide if they should be entertained by the farce in I'm Still Here or mortified.

    And I second the Zombieland recommendation!

  9. Hi TS. Let me know about the Joaquin film would you? If it's for real, then I'm off to video my brother-in-law having a nervous breakdown and then releasing it to the world to see.


  10. PTM & Alex, I loved Zombieland. Very fun movie.

    Betty, Sure thing. What else are our in-laws there for if not to make money off of?

  11. You mirrored my sentiments EXACTLY about both Anderson and Milla, let alone the RE series. Cant stand any of them and wish they would just give it a rest or restart the series with a talented directed geared towards the Horror audiences.

  12. Poor Joaquin, why does a bearded Osama get taken seriously but he is written off as crazy....Nice actor, some of his movies are repeat watch types.
    Most of the films except Resident Evil may not even make it to Asian theatres, no point unless I
    am a DVD collector, thankfully I
    am not that crazy yet...

  13. Like Resident Evil, Milla is so hot. Love Bad Santa and I watch it twice every Christmas. What were the other things you mentioned???

  14. Some interesting thoughts. I don't mind the Resident Evil series. It is everything I want in a bad horror. Bad special effects, predictible story telling, and a satisfyingly gross finale. Perfect for when I'm trying to work and watch television at the same time. You can ignore every second line of dialogue and still satisfactorily know you haven't missed anything.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts on these movies.

  15. I'm Still Here? Hmm, I need to look that one up. You know me and my indie films.

    Are you at all interested in seeing that Devil movie or Case 39? I kinda am curious to see them.


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