Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Superhero Review: Superman

Look, up in the sky!
Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?!

It's some guy wearing, unquestionably, too tight spandex and showering us with money shots of his bits and pieces. Thank you for that oh wonderful hero that you are. Granted, if I was trapped in a burning building or about to be executed by some deranged madman, I'm not going to question what my savior wears. If he likes to let it all hang out, that's his business. Some guys like boxers, some like briefs. Superman likes show it off in our nation's colors.

Course who's going to tell him that wearing his underwear on the outside is incorrect? Not me. Maybe if I had bullet impervious skin I'd risk it. Besides, you really have to blame his exhibitionism on his parents. Sure it's funny and cute when your two year old runs around in his undies and a cape pretending to fly but past a point you just have to sit them down and explain to them about society and common decency.

Let's all thank God he didn't grow up in a nudist camp.

But Superman is more than the sum of his, er, parts. There's the super speed, X-Ray eyes, ability to blow hard. Great for putting out fires I suppose, especially those he starts himself. What? Don't tell me he hasn't gotten board and lit the occasional fire with his laser eyes. He is after only hum- er, Kryptonian.  Which raises another issue.

Here's a clue super advanced geniuses: If you live on a planet named after an element that'll kill you or make you crazy and you don't move, you have only yourself to blame. Real great parents too.

Well, gee, I suppose we could build a ship for all three of us to travel in to earth; maybe raise our child ourselves... or we could just send little Kal to be raised by whoever finds him. Yeah that sounds good. Hopefully it won't be nudists he lands with.

It's also worth noting that if you're going to saddle him with a Jewish name like Kal-El, you could have placed him with a Jewish family. Good luck getting him to follow the old traditions now. He could have looked like a flying Rabbi! How cool would that have been?

Still, it is mercifully for Truth, Justice and The American Way, for which he stands. Would have been a whole other game if he'd landed in the lap of Hitler. We already now his predilection towards German philosophy.  For crying out loud, he named himself Superman.

Nevertheless he does stand for what is right and good in this world. Which I guess goes to show you that we're all products of our environment. So if Superman on his way to fight Lex Luthor wants to run the American colors up his own personal flagpole, who am I to judge.

I may be looking down at the time, but I'll salute him as he goes by.


  1. "If he likes to let it all hang out, that's his business"

    Your remarks are always delicious.


  2. There is the alternate reality version of him called Herr superman. No kidding. He is a German Version from Earth 8.

  3. And what about his addiction to phone booths?

    I'll never look at Superman the same way again.

  4. wow, haha, just came here randomly. Great blog! I may now go listen to the Superman theme tune.

  5. You should definitely give Kavalier and Clay a read. That book will give you huge insight into the creators of the man in blue. BTW...I was always more of a Green Latern fan anyway. Got any problems with him? I don't think he sets fires.

  6. What is wrong with me that this is the first time I noticed that his underwear is on the outside?

  7. Just got through having laugh fits with Jules over the Brimley picture. Did you use ol' Wil because he is simply indestructible? Hahahahaha!!!!

  8. At quick glance, I thought that was Pat Tillett in the superman costume! (Sorry Pat, you really ARE better looking than Mr. Brimley....I'm just super tired!)

  9. haha NICE - tons of clever lines and bits and pieces where you play on words ...

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  12. Really, really up your alley...Is it American enough?...Well, His Parents were smart cookies, set him up to be "Gentile"....can you imagine SM with a skullcap and Moses forbid curling sideburns and scruffy beard....Next time please put at least Brandon Routh images...else Lois Lane will blow up your lungs with her carcinogenic smoke. ;D

  13. That picture is wrong on so many levels.

  14. I have often wondered why I never really got much of a kick out of superman. Fortunately, you articulated it quite well. Thanks for justifying my meh response.

  15. The really troubling thing about this post is that people say I look a bit like him...

    By him, I mean Wilford Brimley, not superman...


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