Thursday, October 7, 2010

The Back Page (Non-Obits)

5000 B.C. - 2010

Many a man was heard weeping this past week when it was announced that Masculinity had passed away. Responsible for making men manly, Masculinity had played a huge part in the founding of many civilizations. Sadly, this past Tuesday, as 3 grown men sat around discussing Ikea and in particular throw pillows, Masculinity quietly passed away. It is survived by its sister Femininity and its 3200 illegitimate children.

The Dream Police
1979 -2010

Most famous for being the subject of a Cheap Trick song, the entire dream police squad died unexpectedly this past weekend. What appeared to be a routine inspection of Rick Nielsen's head, ended up being an ambush with bloody consequence. A suspicious looking package turned out to be a mind-bomb.  All nineteen men and women on the squad were blown to pieces. The last remaining member of the team 'Scruffles,' the dream police dog, is in serious condition and is not expected to make it. 

193? - 2010

Who, former first baseman and friend of Bud Abbott, died yesterday at his home in southern California. Known for being on a team with very confusing named players, Who was on first. Funny, that sounded almost like I was asking a question. Though in reality I was saying that Who was on first, not "who was on first?" What is expected to attend the funeral. Who else? Naturally. He has to attend it as he's the deceased. Anyone else? I don't know. No, sorry. I mean I Don't Know. Former third baseman. Ah, just a little homage to the man. But seriously he was brutally murdered.


Russell Johnson 
1924 -

In shocking news it was revealed this past weekend to a startled Russel Johnson that he was in fact still alive. The legendary actor who portrayed many characters over the years will forever be known best for his role as 'The Professor' on Gilligan's Island. For those of you who have never watched the show, Gilligan's Island was like Lost only scary and with more mysteries. When asked about the secret of his longevity, Mr. Johnson simply muttered something under his breath and began tinkering with what looked to be a coconut radio. We here at The Non-Review salute you sir and wish you many more years to come.


  1. Oh man, these get me every time. While there were a dozen great lines, "Ah, just a little homage to the man. But seriously he was brutally murdered" has to be my favorite. Viva non-obits!

  2. Another instant classic Tim!
    Was the "professor" at all surprised to find out that he wasn't dead?

  3. Only you could spin gold from the Duke 'n the dream police.

  4. OMG I never drew that line between LOST and Gilligan's Island before... shame on me

  5. Is he on life support made from coconuts?

  6. 'Dream Police'? That is so hilarious. I didnt' believe in them even back then. Do you see those hairdos? NOT REGULATION. If even our fantasy cops can't maintain standards then even our dream civilizations are in trouble. Good riddance.

    Second dream related post in a row? Me thinks you tipped your hat early my friend If I could figure it out your cry for help then you KNOW your enemies in the dream world know you are on to them too.

    Move now - only think about cherry pop tarts (that keeps them from tracking you), stay secret, stay safe.

  7. "The non-obits they get inside of my head"...more homage, less brutality. Bravo sir!

  8. I think this is my favorite of all the awesome Non-Obits you have done. I laughed, I cried, I threw up a little, I laughed some more, and then spent the rest of the time trying to remember what the name of the catcher was on Who's team. I think his name was "The Pitcher" but I'm not sure. Let's see: "What was the name of the catcher?" "The pitcher?" "No, the catcher. Who was he?" "The pitcher." Yeah, yeah, I think that was it.

  9. You are SUCH a creative writer! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this...and I LOVED your whole "Who" write-up, especially!

  10. This is fabulously done, TS. Every one is hilarious. I especially like the references to Ikea an throw pillows, and what looked to be a coconut radio. Thanks for a hearty laugh!

  11. Great Post TS! I was so happy to hear the Professor is still alive. He was my crush on the island, you know.

    So, what kind of throw pillows are you getting for your bedroom?

  12. Why is it that he could make a coconut radio but not fix a hole in a boat or just make a boat?

    I attended Who's funeral. Nobody knew who died.

  13. Can you ask "the professor" to get in touch with us?...we are a massive coconut country...would love eco- friendly coconut radios.
    As for the cave man's death, care two hoots, bring on the metrosexual man or his latest update any time. ;D

  14. Thanks for the info


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