5000 B.C. - 2010
Many a man was heard weeping this past week when it was announced that Masculinity had passed away. Responsible for making men manly, Masculinity had played a huge part in the founding of many civilizations. Sadly, this past Tuesday, as 3 grown men sat around discussing Ikea and in particular throw pillows, Masculinity quietly passed away. It is survived by its sister Femininity and its 3200 illegitimate children.
The Dream Police
Most famous for being the subject of a Cheap Trick song, the entire dream police squad died unexpectedly this past weekend. What appeared to be a routine inspection of Rick Nielsen's head, ended up being an ambush with bloody consequence. A suspicious looking package turned out to be a mind-bomb. All nineteen men and women on the squad were blown to pieces. The last remaining member of the team 'Scruffles,' the dream police dog, is in serious condition and is not expected to make it.
193? - 2010
Who, former first baseman and friend of Bud Abbott, died yesterday at his home in southern California. Known for being on a team with very confusing named players, Who was on first. Funny, that sounded almost like I was asking a question. Though in reality I was saying that Who was on first, not "who was on first?" What is expected to attend the funeral. Who else? Naturally. He has to attend it as he's the deceased. Anyone else? I don't know. No, sorry. I mean I Don't Know. Former third baseman. Ah, just a little homage to the man. But seriously he was brutally murdered.
In shocking news it was revealed this past weekend to a startled Russel Johnson that he was in fact still alive. The legendary actor who portrayed many characters over the years will forever be known best for his role as 'The Professor' on Gilligan's Island. For those of you who have never watched the show, Gilligan's Island was like Lost only scary and with more mysteries. When asked about the secret of his longevity, Mr. Johnson simply muttered something under his breath and began tinkering with what looked to be a coconut radio. We here at The Non-Review salute you sir and wish you many more years to come.