Wednesday, April 27, 2011

X is For: Xavier: Secrets

Welcome to the first edition of Secrets Exposed. This week we are pleased to feature Professor Charles Xavier, known to many as Professor X.

Charles Xavier

Age: 73
Power: Telepath
School: Harvard & Oxford
Relationship Status: Single

Professor Xavier is best known for running a school for mutants and for heading up the X-Men task force. As Charles is about to retire soon, he's decided that it's time to come clean on some things. 

TNR: Charles, thank you for coming today.
Xavier: Thank you. I've been burdened with these secrets for far too long.
TNR: Would you like to just dive into it than?
Xavier: Absolutely. As you know, I'm considered to be one of the most powerful mutants.
TNR: Indeed, your fame far precedes you.
Xavier: Well, that's the lie.
TNR: What's the lie?
Xavier: I'm not actually a mutant.
TNR: What? That can't possibly be. How do you explain your powers?
Xavier: I don't have any. I was a homeless guy living on the streets of New York and I figured a good con. I had no idea it would ever last this long.
TNR: So you're telling me you faked having telepathy?
Xavier: I know what you're thinking. Shouldn't I have been caught before?
TNR: That is exactly what I was thinking!
Xavier: I've been at this a long time. Fact is, it got easier the more famous I got. Soon enough mutants that actually had telepathy were beaming into my head because they assumed I would hear them. They had no idea it was them all along.
TNR: This is hard to believe...
Xavier: Heck, I didn't even graduate from college. The whole Harvard thing... I made it up. You'd be surprised how little fact checking people do when they think you're all powerful.
TNR: But you built that device to tune you in to other mutants globally.
Xavier: Actually, if you paid attention you'd remember that I had Magneto help me. That dude is way clever. Wicked cool device too. Actually simulates what it's like to have low level telepathy.
TNR: But you've trained so many students at your academy.
Xavier: Yeah well, you know what they say.
TNR: What's that?
Xavier: Those who can't, teach.
TNR: Amazing. Charles thank you for your honesty today.
Xavier: My pleasure.

Quite the bombshell. Until next time, we'll keep your secrets.


  1. LOL. I'm about to post my X-man bit too. I really didn't want to, but there was absolutely no other choice. I'm interested in seeing who DOESN'T do an X-man post. Nice interview, by the way. I'm stuck on the fact that he's single. Perhaps I could overlook his other deficits...

  2. I would love it if the writers of X Men would do something like this lol

  3. A great post for X. Funny stuff. Love your interview format.

  4. you have shattered my world. I bet he wasn't crippled either.

  5. Reminds me how I never had to show my engineering degree to anyone.

  6. I think I dated this guy in college.

  7. Haha! Just please tell me the accent is real! At least that! I'm so disillusioned right now.
    Well, as long as Wolverine is legit-- we're good. Sigh.

  8. I think the biggest surprise is that he's still single. Grrrrr.

  9. The decade of unravelling secrets has officially arrived...frankly the reason Magneto parted ways was because a con man was the hero and he, the Darth Vader of his to be powerful mutant and have a human steal your thunder. loved this....don't tell me , he faked his death too...

  10. Wow! In one evil swoop you retconed Professor X. Amazing!!!

  11. Those who can't, of my hubby's favorite lines!

  12. nice blog!
    followed! :)

  13. how is he still single?

  14. Too funny! Tim you are a genius...

  15. Ach! My whole worldview has been shattered! Next you'll tell me Aquaman couldn't actually talk to fish...

  16. Dude, is it just me or is honesty in older men a total turn-on? Too bad he is sporting the chrome dome, other than that, he had me at Harvard.

  17. "That's exactly what I was thinking!" - awesome


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