Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Surviving the Apocalypse Lesson #111: Bears

Okay, so we've all had our laugh at the crazy old dude and his predicted end date, but now it's time to move on. Cause whether or not we like it, the world has a suicide wish and it's always looking for a new way to end itself. Zombies... Robots... those are the obvious ones. But that furry little friend down the road -the one who occasionally likes to nab your pick-eh-nick basket, may just be the front line for a deadly uprising. When the Bearpocalypse bears down upon you will you run or play dead?

Once again, I'm here to provide you with what you'll need to survive.

#1: Know Thine Enemy:

Aw, he's soooo cuute!!!

Wrong. He's just gutted you, stolen your pot of honey and the keys to your car. By the time they find your lifeless body, he'll be halfway to Vegas. Why? because you made the mistake of assuming that just because something looks harmless and cuddly, that it doesn't want your blood.

The first thing you have to do when the bearpocalypse comes, is to get past the idea that some of them might yet be on our side. They've cleverly disguised themselves as territorial beings for years, to throw us off. In truth they're united under a single cause: Eating your children.

Time we stopped thinking of them like this:

And started thinking of them like this:

It's also important not to underestimate them. You may have been led to believe that we've caused global warming, and as a result the arctic is melting and polar bears everywhere are losing their homes. Truth is, bears are the cause of global warming, melting down huge glaciers into small, single bear sized iceberg ships. They've got their fleet, and they're coming.

#2: Choose Your Friends Carefully:

"Hey, Bob, What'd you think of the game last night?"
"I often enjoy competitive sports on my television."

That last glomph would be the sound of Bob being eaten by his supposed friend. Like us, the bears -especially the brown bear variety- are exceptional at the art of disguise. Bears have been known to dress up in ties and hats, sneak into our parties without any realization on our parts, relieve us of our food, then make a hasty retreat. 

How well do you know your neighbor? It's more important now than ever that we get to know those around us while we have a chance. 

Because while we can dress like this:

They can dress up like this:

Think that's one of our founding fathers come from the past to deliver a message of hope for the future? Look closer. That's right, a deadly grizzly bear. And he's not just in your kitchen to plot your demise. He's stealing your salmon too. We must always be vigilant. Know your friend's back stories. It's blank o'clock, do you know who your kids are hanging out with?

#3: Weapons of Choice:

Gun, right? Wrong. Bears are not stupid. They see a hunter or a soldier with a gun, they can calculate the risk of charging you against the acquisition of a new fire arm. There are no gun laws amongst  bears. Says clearly in their constitution they have the right to bear arms bearing arms. So if you do find yourself trying to take down a bear with a measly little gun... good luck.

Now while bears aren't stupid, they are easily confused. Thus the best weapon you have against them is your own intellect. Playing dead has been known to work on occasion as a decoy against bears. Not because they can't tell if you're living or dead, but because they are left wondering why you're just laying there. The assumption is often, you must be sickly, and if there's one thing a bear hates it's coming down with a cold. 

Another means, is to sew dissension among the ranks, by disguising oneself as a bear and spreading rumors. Sample conversation:

"Psst, did you hear about our leader?" you say.
"No, what's up?" says the bear.
"He's going to name his son number 2 over us all." you respond.
"What?! He's barely a whelp! Everyone knows that job belongs to Bill Hailey." the bear banters back.
"I know, right? I say we mutiny."

And like that you've got the start of a power struggle. That will lead to many casualties within their own ranks. And if that doesn't work out, well, we do have tanks.


Like any invasion, every enemy has it's weakness. With bears, it's a seasonal invasion as, come winter, the majority of them will be hibernating. So, as long as you can hold together, stick it through, and keep your wits about you, you'll make it through the invasion.

And I'll see you on the other side of the apocalypse. 


  1. So Smokey the Bear started all those forest fires?

  2. Oh dear....now I'm scared of Pooh.....

  3. The Berenstain Bears invited me over for tea tomorrow, so your post couldn't have come at a better time. Once again, your blog may have just saved my life. Whew! That was close. Thanks. I'll have to pass this on to Goldilocks.

  4. One of my favorite TNR posts in recent memory! "they have the right to bear arms bearing arms." Beauty.

  5. so what you're saying is that I should toss all the stuffed bears Kiddo has?

  6. I think we're in trouble! All of my kids and grand kids have stuffed bears. I guess they are trying to win over their hearts and minds...
    Those damn bears anyway!
    Great Post Tim...

  7. I have issues with these hybernating hucksters. Someone has to answer for my missing pickanick basket. Don't get me started on those toilet paper bears who obsess all day about wiping their asses.

  8. I know very well bears are not stupid. I watch when animals attack on FOX. Though I still hold out that some of 'em are in fact friendly-ish.

  9. Dude, this was freaking HILARIOUS!!! (Especially the part about a bear not wanting to come down with a cold!)  I LOVE bears!!  I'll take my chances.  heehee!

  10. Oh wow, I've been so worried about Zombies, I didn't even think of this!  Thank you for this learning experience. :p

  11. But i love teddy bears..I bet Elvis the prime suspect, started it all when he sang..I wanna be your teddy bear

  12. haha those pictures are fantastic ... and until you pointed it out i really thought bear washington was here to save us. i've been fooled.

  13. Uncle Timmy... did you lose your therapist's phone number again?
    Nazi-Pooh. That's rich.

  14. You must be really bored there to be reading my blog. I didn't lose my therapist's number. We had a session and now I'm playing it cool. Let her, call me.


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