Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Identity Crisis at the Movies: Weekend Review

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

?????? - What the-? Alright, who took my movies?

That's right folks, nothing opens this week. Well, to be specific, nothing opens wide this week. There are plenty of limited release fish swimming around in the great big cinematic ocean. But why would I want a goldfish when I'm accustomed to eating salmon and trout? Actually that's a horrible metaphor as I hate fish. I mean, tuna is alright, but only if it's mashed up from a can. And that comes with a healthy dose of mercury. Mmmm, mercury.  I also do like the whole fish and chips style of fish, but what isn't good if it's covered in batter and deep fried? Now sea food, that's a seahorse of a different color. I'm all for shrimp and clams and pretty much anything else that isn't kosher. Wait, what were we talking about? Movies? Oh yeah...

Last weekend proved that horrible shiny vampires are far more popular than the greatness that is Muppets. At least amongst teenage girls and women ranging ages 20-120. And probably with preteen girls as- you know what, let me start over. Last weekend proved that the female persuasion likes fantasy stories about shirtless vampires and werewolves and that guys like puppets. Just not as much ladies like that other stuff. Also Ladies Love Cool J. Not sure what that has to do with anything, I'm just saying is all.

Next week will see the release of The Sitter and New Year's Eve which was penned by the same woman who wrote Valentine's Day. Gee, I wonder which film will win out? [SEE: irony]. I've used that joke a few times before, but I honestly don't get tired of it. I need to make a shirt that has it emblazoned on it. But I digress. Right, movies! I keep trailing off there into other subjects. It's almost like there's nothing happening in theaters this weekend. So let's talk movies shall we?

Seen any good movies lately?
Yes, thank you for asking.
No, I meant, would you like to talk about them?
Sure, but who has the time?
Isn't that the point of this column, and on a greater scale, site?
Huh. I thought it was to crack cheesy jokes and ponder the inevitable downfall of the English language when set against the backdrop of texting.
That's not why I'm here.
Yes, but who are you? 

So yeah, I've got a whole lot of movies that I would like to start reviewing again, and hopefully will start soon. I've got a couple of columns inside yearning to be freed. Reputation@Stake also pointed out to me that I don't write so much anymore and has contributed a post for next week. In the meantime I'd love to get some more guest posts rolling here too. Why should I do all the heavy lifting when I can get others to pitch in? So I'll probably be hitting up several of the usual suspects in the coming month to see if they'd like to contribute. And of course if anyone reading this (I assume there's at least one of you left, after all someone was talking with me in the above dialog) would like to guest post, just let me know and we'll talk.

I don't guess there's too much left to say other than, I hate Twilight even more for lording its place above The Muppets this past weekend, I think some TV channel should start playing old TV shows again the way TVLand used to, and that I feel the world would be a sweeter place if it was covered in honey.

Have a great weekend everyone.


  1. I had fun with my guest post this past summer!
    I know - NO new movies this weekend. I think it[s a sign of the apocalypse...

  2. I was wondering what all the bedazzled 120 year olds were doing a the movie theater this past weekend.

  3. Not fair...I am a women in the 30+ category and am not fascinated by the funny looking pale faces...I read the books but they were borrowed.....a die hard reader doesn't give up on any book even crappy ones.....
    happy blog anniv/second bday....do end up missing ur irregular posts, hence the rare appearance. ;D
    Enjoy your weekend....the jokes better be good next time...

  4. My daughter and her three teen daughters went to see the new Twilight and didn't like it at all, which surprised me.

  5. Die hard twilight fan here...sorry. :)

    But I do agree that I wish they'd bring back some of the old tv shows like they did on TV Land. Until then, I'll keep buying up DVD's.

  6. Talk about a negative graph. I think the movie industry has taken a big crash lately. There is very little that coming out these days that I HAVE to see at the theater.


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