Sunday, April 8, 2012

Stop Whining About Pluto

Planets were called “wandering stars” in ancient times.
Protesters would have printed up t-shirts saying, “Just because
they wander, doesn’t mean they’re not stars!"

Then the Greeks called them “wanderers”.
T-Shirts may have said, “It’s okay Mars, I’m not a star either.”

“Wanderer” in Greek is “planÄ“toi”, which sounded
like “planet”, so they called them planets.

T-shirts would declare, “What’s wrong with
‘Wanderer’? ‘Planet’ sounds stupid! Stop changing our sky!”

The moon was also considered a planet. A really big one.
Valentine’s Day cards would read, “If you were
a planet, you’d be the moon to me.”

Then Aristotle said that comets weren’t planets.
Newspaper headlines would read, “Planets Get Their Tails Clipped!”

When it was discovered that the Earth went around 
the sun, in the 16th century, the Earth was suddenly 
a “planet” but the moon no longer was.
Kings were flooded with angry emails, “The Earth is now a ‘planet’?!
What’s next, is the sun going be a ‘star’?!”

“Planets” were seen orbiting Jupiter in the 17th century.
Newspapers headlined, “Jupiter May Have More Planets Than The Sun!”

Later, Jupiter’s “planets” were changed to “moons” instead.
T-shirts were sympathetically printed up, 
“It’s okay Jupiter. It happened to us too.”

Bunches and bunches of “planets” were found, and named, 
in the 18th century, until scientists decided to reclassify 
them, in the 19th century, as “asteroids”.
18th century bumper stickers read, 
“My child can name more planets than your child.”

In the 20th century, Pluto was discovered. By the 21st century 
a bunch of other “planets” were found near Pluto, forming a 
second asteroid belt—called the Kuiper belt.
Death threats to astronomers read, 
“If you change Pluto, we’ll send you there.”

The definition of a “planet” had to
be changed … again. So stop whining.

The above nerdiness is the fault of Sebastian Black, and does not necessarily represent the opinions of The Non-Review. So if you're still upset about Pluto and want to hit someone, hit him.


  1. Pluto is still a planet (wanderer) in my eyes (and mind). happy easter!

    1. Happy Easter Stacy! Hope you've had a wonderful weekend.

  2. Aw Sebastian, if they didn't want us whining, they shouldn't have named it Pluto, instantly endearing it to our hearts.

    1. Disney ruins everything. "Neptune" would have made a better name for Mickey's dog anyway.

  3. This is a great post about why we should suck it up about Pluto. Loved it.

  4. But if I don't whine about Pluto, what will I have to gripe about? You know, besides the president, the economy, the education system, my mother, my neighbors, my car, the Internet, etc...

  5. How on Earth did I miss this? poor Pluto is no longer a planet just a yellow dog. Even Sirius has it good, the newspapers would say..

  6. You aren't gonna catch me whining about Pluto! I've been there and it's damn cold...


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