Friday, August 31, 2012

Lawless, The Possession, And Whatever An Oogielove Is: 7 Word Weekend

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

Lawless - Huh, so Shia LaBeouf is still alive?

The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure - What? Ha, no I'm serious here; what?

Flying Swords of Dragon Gate IMAX 3D - I hate to keep harping but... What?!

The Possession - I've heard that those can be fleeting.

The expression "pushing the envelope" has been worrying me as of late. Everyone keeps pushing it, how much longer will it take it? How much longer until the envelope pushes back?

I mean, what if some guy who’s been pushing for the last 13 years of his life decides he’s done, then you come along and push it? You didn't know that for the last 13 years it’d been taking that guys crap, but it doesn't matter, 'cause you've pushed it just over the edge. In a burst of anger the envelope pulls a mac-10 and fires a couple shots in your chest. You’d be laying there, bleeding out and ask:

Where did that gun even come from?

And the envelope now realizing what it’s done, is freaking out and responds:

It’s been in me for a long time. Oh God what have I done!? I never meant to...

Then the cops come and arrest the envelope. At his trial all he can say in his defense is:

I don’t know what happened, I just... snapped.

So now you’re dead and he’s serving a life sentence while his wife and kids are stuck picking up the pieces. She has to scramble to figure out what she’s going to do for work, because after all, she’s not a business envelope. Maybe she can find work as a greeter in some Hallmark store, but even that’s doubtful. Most likely she’ll be employed as a paper clip holder, quickly forgotten by the person who stored them in her. There she’ll stay, in a desk drawer, until the owner dies and the family comes and cleans out the desk.

But no one wants a used envelope full of paperclips...

I like to think that one day, in a landfill, she’ll be reunited with her lost love, who of course died in prison, with the name "Andy Dufresne" written on him, and having been stuffed full of things I can’t even imagine... Or maybe I just don’t want to. But together there they’ll be, once more.

This week doesn't even really deserve a rundown. Big raspberry to all of them. 
But what about Lawless, it could be good! Tom Hardy, Gary Oldman, Guy Pearce... Sure, it could be good. On the other hand, Oogieloves has Christopher Lloyd AND Cary Elwes in it, and it's already making a run at being the lowest grossing film of the year. That's entertainment value on a whole other level. Then there's The Possession which looks so generic to me, and that has Jeffrey Dean Morgan who can make the crappiest of films into decent viewings. And neither of those two is about bootlegging, so I'll say it again, big raspberry.

What's your plans for the weekend? You off to see a movie, or out to push a couple envelopes?


  1. Might catch Lawless. Not pushing any more envelopes though!

  2. I like to hide in an envelope. Great story. I finally saw Hunger Games and thought it was excellent.

    1. What the hell are The Oogieloves? I saw them and they would frighten any toddler and their parents. Isn't this the exact thing you have seal team six for?

  3. Flying Swords of Dragon Gate IMAX 3D - is a kick ass chinese historical drama that is full of doomed character and epic visuals. THEY FLY...ABND FIGHT THE STORMS....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    1. I know... But, I just... No...

      Great to hear from you Kal! It's been awhile.

  4. The Oogieloves are so freaking creepy.

  5. I'm totally with you on the whole raspberry thing!! They all sound lame. And what the heck! I have kids and those Oogieloves are freaking me out! lol

  6. LeBouf's career peeked with T2. Now it's just barely hanging on.

  7. I was frightened at first, due to the titles of the films ... but this was an awesome post. Did you think of this idea before, or did it come to you and you just went where it took you?


  8. "Andy Dufresne" From one of my ALL TIME favorite movies. I have no idea how many times I've seen it, but I'll watch it again before I watch most of the ones you non-reviewed above.


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