Monday, August 20, 2012

Mike's Sandwich - A Handsome Pete Monologue

Dang Mike has one tasty looking sandwich. I don't know what it is that draws me in more. Is it the cold cuts, folded over giving you double the meat in every bite? Maybe the bread itself; manna baked in the ovens of angels from the grains of Heaven? Is it perhaps the cheese slices playfully peeking out here and there, winking with their corners with a "hey there stranger" attitude. Cheese, you saucy minx. And speaking to the sauce, what is it on the bread?

It's like some magical concoction. I saw him whipping it up earlier. Mayonnaise was at the base, but all kinds of things went in it. With that amber hue, anyone can tell its taste must be as beautiful as a weeping viola. Then there's the vegetation. A veritable flavor flora spreading out it's leafy, lettuce love; listless, and longing to capture your every thought. All a prelude to the algorithm of the tomato. Is science art? Can art be science? Are the two truly ever separate. What equation, gently nudging you towards the right thickness for the slices? What dark magic decreeing placement and spacing.

Truly, it is a work of the highest order. Perhaps even touching divine inspiration.

So how come he only made one? C'mon, Mike, how you gonna do that? Go on make a sandwich and not sharing... It's like a cruel joke. All I'm saying, is just let me have some. Does the term "splitsies" mean nothing to you?  Mike, I know that sandwich's rights, and it should be with the one it chooses, not who you think it should be with. I appreciate you put work into that relationship, but man, it was like we were made for each other. So come on Mike, let us be together. Look I even setup a facebook page. Can't you see? Gotta stop being so selfish all the time.



  1. This makes me want to go to jersey mike's sandwich shop, or to any sandwich shop really ... but jersey mike's seems the most fitting.

  2. Also the picture that goes with this post is fantastic.

  3. Is that a monocle or a leaky eye??

  4. Mike is a bastard! I want that sandwich too!

    Why American men should boycott American women

    I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don't know how to cook or clean, don't want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

    American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

    This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.

    Tens of millions of American men have had their lives completely destroyed by American women through the following crimes:

    1. False rape accusations (it has been proven that up to 80 percent of rape accusations are FALSE)

    2. False domestic violence (DV) charges (same as above)

    3. False sexual harassment charges (men are now afraid to even talk to women in the office because all it takes is one woman to make up a false sexual harassment charge and then the man's career is finished)

    4. Financial destruction of men in divorce courts through alimony and support payments (women get up to 95 percent of their ex-husband's income and savings, as well as the house, car, etc)

    5. Emotional destruction of men by ex-wives who have stolen their children from them and forbidden the fathers from having custody or contact with their own children

    6. Divorced dads who commit suicide as a result

    99.9 percent of American and western women are liars, hypocrities, and criminals, who support women committing crimes against men. Women refuse to condemn their fellow women who destroy men's lives. Silence means consent. Therefore, American women support and enjoy destroying men's lives and causing men to commit suicide. Apparently, American women think it is okay to be a criminal, just as long as you are a woman. Therefore, is it any surprise that a huge percent of American men no longer want anything to do with American women, other than using them for easy sex and then throwing them away?

    A few more reasons to stay away from American women?

    -25 percent of American women take psychiatric drugs for mental illnesses.
    -25 percent of women under the age of 30 have at least one STD.
    -85 percent of divorces in America are INITIATED by women, thus women are responsible for the vast majority of divorces.
    -70 percent of criminals in America were raised by single mothers, thus feminism is responsible for most crime in America.
    -The majority of child molestation, child abuse, and child murder in America is done by WOMEN.

    Over 50 percent of American women are single, without a boyfriend or husband; so the fact is most American men no longer want to marry American women. Let these worthless American women grow old living alone with their 10 cats.


  6. That is one tasty looking sandwich! I know it's not even the same line that Jules says in Pulp Fiction, but when I typed it out, it came out in his voice... weird, yeah?

  7. A sandwich with vegetation? This must surely be some kind of witchcraft. The sandwich equivalent of a siren, some might say. Be wary of its lusty calls. It may be the sandwich that eats YOU.


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