Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Quit Wearing My Shirt - A Handsome Pete Monologue

Dude, why are you wearing the same shirt as me? I mean seriously, that's not cool. We've been friends for years, I know you know this is my favorite shirt. I've had it since that time we all went to the Six Flags park. Not the time you threw up hot dogs on that plushy mascot, but the time before the time before that. I've only worn it once a week since then. So what in the actual hell?

How does someone even think to do this? Like what, you woke up one morning and thought to yourself "today is the day I get myself a shirt like my friend's best shirt"? That's just messed up. Then to tell me you don't even remember me wearing a shirt like it before? Are you for real? Check your facebook photos dude. There are three pictures currently there where we're standing together while I'm wearing that shirt. Check your year book from our last year in high school. I'm wearing it in the picture. My quote underneath my name actually reads: I hope in 10 years, I'm still wearing this shirt.

Well it's been 12 years, and I'm still wearing that shirt.

It's not like you could easily confuse this one either. How many times a day do you see someone wearing an olive green shirt with an orange mallard on it declaring it to be a "duck's life" in gold lettering? Never you say, with the exception of me? That's right. Why? Because it suits me. When I die, people will remember me by this shirt. I expect on my gravestone there will be carved the picture of aforementioned duck. When I get married, it'll be to a girl who understands me enough to let me wear it to our wedding.

So, seriously, just take it off, throw it in a garbage can and burn it. I'd hate to have our friendship ended over my shirt, but I'll do it if I have to. Legacies must be protected. I'll even help you burn it. It can be a bonding moment with beers and bros and fire and brats. A good evening to be had by all. Think about it and get back to me when you've come to your senses.


  1. The immortal duck shirt...
    Will you have that duck on your wedding cake as well?

  2. That's one awesome shirt. I might start wearing it.

  3. I once saw a shirt that said "Duck Life!" on it. I guess it's not the same shirt.

  4. I started reading this, remembered I'd already read it, but went ahead and read it again. Still good stuff.


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