Thursday, July 4, 2013

The Lone Ranger - A Shrunken Heads Non-Review

Thomas: Hello and welcome once again to another edition of Shrunken Heads Review. Today we will be looking at the new Armie Hammer, Johnny Depp, film: The Lone Ranger. With me are my fellow film fanciers, Smith and Jeffrey. How are you guys today?

Smith: Good, considering that we haven't done a review in what, a year?

Thomas: Now, now, schedules fill up, contracts get... Delayed. No sense getting upset about it. What's important is that we are here today to discuss The Lone Ranger.

Jeffrey: More like the Bone Ranger.

Smith: Seriously, that's the best you could come up with? No wonder it took this long for us to return.

Thomas: Focus please. [pause] Thank you. There's been a lot of controversy from early on with Johnny Depp playing the titular character's friend and sidekick, Tonto. Many have said his portraying a Native American is offensive and hearkens to the days when Caucasian actors would play stereotyped Chinese characters or even blacking up their faces to portray African Americans. After having seen the film, what are your thoughts?

Jeffrey: See, cause it's like "boner". He's the "Bone" Ranger. Good stuff.

Smith: You want disrespectful, you need look no further than Jeffrey. You drunk there big fella'? As far as Depp's role, it wouldn't have been so bad if his performance didn't feel like he was trying to tick people off. They basically took a character who was a faithful, smart companion, and turned him into a walking stereotype who's as incompetent as the lead.

Thomas: Indeed, that is something that should bother anyone who has ever seen the original TV show or listened to an episode of the old radio show. Both the hero and the sidekick are completely incompetent. 

Jeffrey: And violent. The thing about the original is that there was a distinct lack of violence. Here you can die just walking on set.

Smith: Look who decided to wake up and start acting like a critic. Done making stupid jokes today?

Jeffrey: What are you talking about?

Smith: Your stupid boner jokes.

Jeffrey: I'm sorry, I don't follow.

Smith: The only thing out of your mouth today has been on boners. Bone Ranger this, and boner that.

Jeffrey: Smithy, please, could you stop talking about boners for a few minutes so that we can discuss the film at hand?

Thomas: Yes, please, Smith, let's get back to the film.

Smith: But he... Lord grant me the strength to get through this.

Thomas: To what Jeffrey was saying, there is an inordinate amount of violence for a PG-13 film. Especially for a property that was always intended for kids. I understood it with Verbinski's pirate films, but the Lone Ranger was always the epitome of heroes.

Jeffrey: It's like they cut the Ranger down to the bone when scripting, and built something wretched on top.

Smith: You said 'bone' again. 

Jeffrey: It's an expression Smithy.

Smithy: But it doesn't even work in context. You don't build on top of a bone!

Jeffrey: You're right, I did mix my metaphors. My apologies. Now then, Thomas, what did you think of Fichtner's performance as the evil villain?

Thomas: Adequate. I'll be blunt here, I'm supposed to be the moderator, but I plain and simply did not like the film. I felt like everything was drowned out by a bad script and the best anyone could do was try and stay above the water. Do you agree Smith?

Smith: Largely. I'd say the screenwriters, and it took three of them to write this, either had no respect for the original material, or else didn't know anything about it other than a few jokes they'd seen in other movies.

Jeffrey: I agree with Smith...

Smith: Smartest thing you've said all day.

Jeffrey: Clearly when they were writing this they forgot to bone up on the history of the Lone Ranger.

Smith: You... You... 

Jeffrey: Smithy is turning red. I think he might pop.

Thomas: On that note I guess I better wrap things up. Overall the Lone Ranger falls flat on its face. It tries far to hard to act clever when in reality it's just a convoluted and slightly offensive mess. There are a few redeeming shots throughout, and Armie Hammer shows once again that he's better than the material he's starring in. It is funny at times, though not when it's supposed to be. There are much better films out to see this weekend. Any last thoughts guys?

Jeffrey: I think history will come to think of this as "Verbinski's Boner".

Smith: Kill... Must... Kill...


  1. Sounds like someone has a bone to pick with Disney.
    Glad I skipped it. Saw Despicable Me 2 instead. Not quite as good as the original and a little thin on plot, but the minions were funny as hell.

  2. I've listened to the radio shows, but never the television show. Just reading this makes me mad. It's like they had no idea what the original was about. These three reviewers can return anytime. They're hilarious.


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