Friday, August 30, 2013

Weekend Movie Discussion: Wherein I don't discuss movies but leave it to a monkey... again

It's that time of year again. The time when the summer is ending but the autumn isn't yet ready to check in. Also known as the crap movie dumping ground.

The World's End, best movie of the year? Hard to say, I haven't seen all the movies out this year. Certainly beats the all the films out in wide release this weekend. Fact is, the films out this weekend I don't even want to discuss, so I'm just going to hand the job over to that banjo sensation that once dominated the airwaves.

Please welcome, Johnny the Monkey.

Johnny: Hello, I'm Johnny the Monkey. You may remember me from my chart topping albums 'Spring is Banjo Season' and 'Banjo Country: 43 Patriotic Songs'. Today I'm here to talk to you about the movies out this weekend.

To start we have Closed Circuit which stars the world's boringest actor, Eric Bana(na). It also features Julia Stiles, Jim Broadbent, and a ton of people I've never heard of. What's the film about? Who the hell knows, I'm a banjo playing monkey. You think I have time to go to the movies? I think it has something to do with love or terrorists, or terrorist lovers. It's so boring sounding, I wouldn't even fling my -well, you know what I like to fling- at it. 

You can take the monkey out of the jungle and teach him to play the banjo, but you can't take the jungle out of the monkey.

Next up we have Getaway with Ethan Hawke and Selena Gomez. I don't care for hawks as a rule, whether they be bird or actor. Ethan isn't right for this kind of role. He was never cool enough when he was young to have the street cred for this film at his age. Now, that Selena Gomez... Well, she -uh, she... is a person. I'm not diametrically opposed to people. I just can't help but wonder what she's doing in a movie peanut butter and banana sandwiched between Hawke and Jon Voight. Does anyone know, if Voight still have eyeballs, or have they completely slitted away?

(b)Ana(na)conda... now there was a masterpiece of film making. I could watch Owen Wilson die a hundred times in films.

Finally, there's that One Direction documentary out, directed by Morgan Spurlock. You may remember him from getting fat and stealing my biggy fries from me. That kind of "flingable material" don't play with me. I have no interest in a film about the latest boy band either. I believe in real music, for real people, from real banjo playing monkeys. All else isn't fit to print.

Might as well mention that Paramount is doing a double billing re-release of Start Trek: Into Darkness with World War Z. Pretty much so that they can get the box office totals on the latter film to 200 million. Thus giving bragging rights and allowing them to charge more to play it on TV. As the film will probably just be this side of profitable thanks to the international, every little bit counts.

Well, that's it for me. Make sure to catch me on tour and to check out my newest album, 'Live and Uncaged' out September 15.

Guess That Movie

Last Week: Alex guessed Pontypool right off the bat. A very different kind of horror film, that takes place about half an hour from where I grew up.

This Week:

What are your plans for the weekend? Going to see a movie this weekend that's already been out for awhile? Going to see a movie that actually comes out this week? If you answered yes to that last one, can you explain? Where IS the beef?


  1. Anaconda - still the only movie where we get to see a snake throw up Voight.
    I'm afraid I'm stumped on the photo this week.

  2. No clue what that movie is.
    Slow week for the movies.
    Is Johnny related to Davy Jones?

  3. That looks like Christian Bale to me, so it may be Empire of the Sun.

  4. I have zero interest in the movies this week. I think Guano is right and that's Empire.

  5. I have no clue about the movie. I'm wondering if and when Selena Gomez will self destruct. She's got one strike against her being Justin Beiber's girl friend (past).

  6. I had forgotten about Eric Bana, he just re brand himself as Eric Bana(na). You should write him a letter to say as much.


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