Friday, January 24, 2014

Mary Shelley Reviews I, Frankenstein

Seems like every couple of years I'm invited to screen a version of my beloved classic. Yes beloved. Yes
Classic. When you've been around as long as me and your books still survives, guess what? You get to boast. The point is, most of the time I blow off the invites. However, something drew me to I, Frankenstein. I must confess I've always secretly wanted to write a sequel that involved Dr. Frankenstein as a monster killing bad ass. I can't say I pictured him originally as Aaron Eckhart, but I totes do now.

Seriously, how has no one thought of casting a hunky guy like him to play the twisted genius that creates a monster from spare parts? So obvious. Putting him in the future? Genius. Making him battle weird little demon-y gargoyle creatures? Amazeballs. Yep, everything I saw in the trailer screamed, "Watch me!" So it was, with humble grace, I RSVPed.

Then I actually watched the film.

What in the actual hell was that? For starters, Aaron Eckhart wasn't playing Dr. Frankenstein, but his monster, and for some reason, he was referred to as Adam. Secondly it felt like a ripoff of Underworld, right down to the Bill Nighy. I watched demons and gargoyles fighting a war on screen while the bigger tragedy of running out of popcorn happened in the tub on my lap. That at least I was able to change the fate of with a free refill. The movie itself had no hope for redemption.

The film feels stitched together, much in the same way my original vision of the monster was. To call it garbage would be an insult to garbage. It was in short, not good. For a PG-13 film it also seemed needlessly macabre to me. And this coming from someone who kept her husband's heart in a desk drawer. Finally whereas the horror in my novel had something to say about man himself, I, Frankenstein's horror was based purely in how awful a film it truly is. 

Do me a favor Hollywood, stick to messing with Bram Stoker in the future. That bastard's got a stake through his heart so he can't feel anything anymore. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some grave spinning to do.

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