Monday, May 12, 2014

Saltines: The Untold Story

If Saltines could talk, what would they say amongst themselves?

"Hey Jeff, you seen Colleen? Stack three, five down... she is looking fine!"

Then they'd all be getting married and stuff, but where would they live? If they lived in the box, they might get eaten. I suppose they could always build a house out of other crackers, but would that really be fair to sacrifice all their friends just so they'd have a place to live?

And of course, Oreos be comin by heckling them all the time:

"Look at those cracka's in their cracka' house, now they got a little cracka' on the way."

The male Saltine would get off from work and would joke to his wife, "Honey, I'm back from the salt mines!"

To which his wife would respond, "Ha ha ha. I'm going to die of laughter one of these days. My sister Susan called. She and Jerry are having problems again. Apparently he got drunk and called her a bitch. Anyway, she's going to be staying with us for awhile."

And then there's the question of what would they eat?
Air maybe? Salt?
Really it boggles the mind.

(I wrote this like 7 years ago but it still feels relevant today)


  1. The picture you chose to show off your Saltine friends shows that they have a rare skin condition that some Saltines have. SSD, or Saltine Seborrheic Dermatitis. They tend to stay at the bottom of the box out of shame. Thus we get the crumbs that most just pour into their soups to drown their sorrows. It is a shame that the Oreos are just jealous of the crackers, because Saltines don't get pulled apart, and violated by many peoples tongues. They call this the Gene Simmons phobia.

  2. And what happens if there's a soup flood?

  3. LOL. If I could, I'd give your comment a second up vote. I also suffer from Gene Simmons phobia.

  4. "That saltine's got back!" I would hate to know what crackers eat.


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