Thursday, March 16, 2017

The 5 Pigs You Meet In Heaven

Planning a day trip to visit your parents in the great beyond? Maybe you're getting closer to your own departure but want to know what to expect in the next life? Assuming you're lucky enough to be heading "Up" we've got you covered. Here is a list of the 5 Pigs you can expect to meet when you get there.

1. Pete
Upon reaching the Pearly Gates, you'll find Pete waiting for you. In life, Pete taught blind children to see the world in their own way, before he was served up as sausages with mashed potatoes. In Heaven, Pete's job is to greet you and show you in.

2. Noodles
Back in the day, Noodles was a show pig on earth. He delighted audiences with his talents. In the Great Beyond, he routinely fills in as lead guitar for daily worship. He's not particularly good, but it's Heaven so no one cares.

3. Dinner
Dinner, who grew up on a working farm, was named as such, so no one would get too attached to him emotionally. The irony is how much joy his bacon and chops brought to local families. In Heaven, he's in charge of organizing your accommodations. 

4. J. P. Wessingham
Identified at a young age for having a brilliant mind, J. P. was a career student whose passion for learning was exceeded only by his love of philanthropy. In the end he gave all of himself one Easter dinner in celebration of Jesus' sacrifice. Now in Heaven, J. P. is responsible for one of the wings of the main library.

5. Madam Puddles
As everyone knows, all Guinea Pigs go to hell, but due to a clerical error, Puddles was let in several decades ago. Don't think they let her off too easy though. Puddles is now in charge of running the largest call center in the sweet hereafter. 

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