Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Non-Obits 11/2017

Elf On The Shelf
2007 - 2017

Tragedy struck late Wednesday at the Johnson's residence when beloved family icon Elf On The Shelf died while Christmas decorations were being unpacked. "The dog ran off with him," stated Johnson matriarch, Pat. "Tore the poor guy into pieces before any of us could stop him." As per the instructions for the Religious Order of Elfs (sic) his body will be shipped back to the factory where it will processed into food for the Elf on the Shelf birthing pool. The young Elflings will digest his remains and absorb his memories to gain wisdom and experience.

Paul Smith's VHS Copy Of Goodfellas
1996 - 2017

Heartbreaking news VHS lovers, Paul Smith's VHS Copy Of  Goodfellas, that he recorded one night off of TNT, has passed away. Mr. Smith insisting that VHS would come back, refused to throw out the tape for over a decade after its last viewing. Sadly, while Mr. Smith was out playing golf, his wife and children cleaned out his cache of VHS tapes including Goodfellas. The tape is survived by Mr. Smith's rewards punchcard for Telli's Subs, a restaurant that closed three years ago.

??? - 2017

Time, beloved constraint of existence, died last week. While it was argued for centuries whether time was just a construct of our own need to frame the constant progress of existence, it was more recently discovered to be related to a magical watch that was cursed by a witch some unknown millennia ago. The stated watch broke Monday evening when scientists decided to test if it was waterproof. It was not. Time is survived by Matter, Consciousness, and Franny. In lieu of flowers, the family requests you send thoughts and prayer.


Dame Vera Lynn
1917 - ???

The world was shocked to learn this week of the continued existence of English singer and actress, Dame Vera Lynn. Best known for her rendition of 'We'll Meet Again' Vera rose to prominence during the Second World War when she toured Europe entertaining the troops. While we're unsure of what her secret to longevity is (some have suggested black magik) we wish her another happy hundred years to come.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts with Thumbnails