Saturday, October 27, 2018

An Answer To Your Thoughts And Prayers - By God


I just got back from vacation and noticed a ton of messages left on my answering machine. I see there are lots of thoughts and prayers regarding gun violence in the USA. Seriously, it's like half my messages. Starving African children don't contact me as often as American Christians in the wake of stoppable mass murder. Anyhoo, I figured it was about time I finally addressed the situation.

Gun control.

I'm not really sure why this is such a difficult concept to grasp. If you make it harder to own a gun than say, running a lemonade stand, you're going to see fewer mass shootings. I mean, I know I'm only God here, but this seems obvious to me. Gun control works. It has in other countries. Like, every other country.

Don't be that guy, America. You know the one. The fat guy at the buffet who doesn't understand why he's got chest pain. You're a glutton for guns and you need to cut them out of your diet. Hell, even cutting back by say, banning the odd assault rifle, would help. Or did you think it was coincidence killers have similar tastes in firearms?

Look, I'm all for thoughts and prayers, but they're not meant for things you can easily take care of yourselves. I gave humans the earth with the expectation that y'all would run it properly. If you can't even pass some damn laws to take care of your own family, what do you expect me to do?

So, just to recap: I've heard your thoughts and prayers and, as it so happens, I'm in favor of gun control. Please take action and spare me from further grieving.

Oh, and while you're at it, feed starving children, quit polluting, and stop hating on each other cause you're different. Again, all things I shouldn't have to tell you.

Your Creator, 


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