Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Review: My second grade teacher

This is John Denver ---->

This is also my second grade teacher, Mr. Dove.

No, not literally. When I was in school I didn't know who John Denver was. What I did know was that my teacher had a stupid hair cut, often dressed in a brown leather vest and wore big round glasses. Mr. Dove taught us history and how to write in cursive and all the other things one should know in 2nd grade. He was very anal and if you had any dogeared pages in your notebook, he would bring out a ruler that had googly eyes glued to it, which he called Mr. Ruler, and use it to cut out the pages. As punishment you would then have to rewrite them, nice and neat.

As wonderful as all that sounds, what got on my nerves was Mr. Dove's favorite pastime. Every Friday for sure, and every time we had a lull in a school day, he would sit us down with a guitar and teach us to sing the songs of his choosing. Songs like 'Rocky Mountain High' and 'Sunshine on my Shoulder' were some of his favorites. He wasn't just limited to John Denver songs, but I certainly learned more than my share.

It wasn't until a couple years back when I bought one of nephews (as a joke) a John Denver record that the realization hit me. My 2nd grade teacher wasn't John Denver, but he had modeled himself after him. The hair,  the glasses, the vest, the music... it was all a copy. A shudder passed through me as I thought over what I had unknowingly lived through. Nowadays I'm pretty sure that could be considered a form of child abuse. At the very least they would consider him unbalanced.

I have no idea what became of Mr. Dove. Quite possibly he's still in that school, tucked away in a valley in southern Ontario. I sometimes ponder how many children have grown up musically molested by that man, and I say a little prayer for them. I would ask that you to do the same.

Mr. Dove: What the Hell out of Seriously?!


  1. This is hilarious! Ha ha! John Denver! My dad always played his songs on his guitar when I was four.

  2. I actually like a couple of his songs now, but I still feel wronged when I start humming a song and realize it's left over from those days.

  3. OMG...as a teacher I have seen my share of 'goony birds'. I wonder sometimes how the kindergarten class I did P.E. with twice a week saw me. I was half biker/half wrestler and larger than any three of them put together. They would only play ONE game and would pee themselves waiting for me to come down the hall to pick them up to go the the 'big kid's gym'. What a riot it was.

    Oh and speaking of John Denver - on a dare at Cadet Camp I sang 'Annie's Song - You Fill Up My Senses' to our platoon sgt outside her barracks window one night. You want to score with the ladies you gotta let go some of that John Denver 'mojo'. Better than Barry Manilow but harder on your soul.

  4. That's the oddest advice I've received in the past twelve hours. Haha.


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