Friday, January 15, 2010

The Back Page (Non-Obits)

Ms. Pac-Man 
1981 - 2010

The beloved wife and mother will be laid to rest Sunday at Midway Cemetery. Ms. Pac-Man spent her life fighting for what she believed in, eating fruits and killing ghosts. During the 80's she rose to fame as her husband's sweetheart, but quickly took her own rightful place in the spotlight. Ms. Pac-Man had been sick for some time from a genetic disease and finally succumbed to Pac-Man fever this past Tuesday. She is survived by her husband Pac-Man and their 3 children. A memorial will be held this Saturday between 2 and 4 for anyone who wishes to pay their respect. Pac-Man has requested quarters in lieu of flowers.

'Family Night' at the Peterson's house
1990 - 2010

Thoughts and prayers tonight for the Peterson household. After a 20 year run, 'Family Night' has officially died. With their eldest child now away at college and their younger daughter Stephanie ( age 17) preferring the company of those that didn't raise her, Mr. Peterson has decided to put it to rest. Such legendary activities as "Marathon Mario Party" and "Double Monopoly" have now been replaced with new favorite "drinking beer while watching hockey." The Peterson's youngest child tommy (age 9) will be spending the night at Billy's whose family hosts "Pizza Night" every Friday.

Margaret Wade
1951 - 2010

Most famous for her know-it-all attitude and open love of Dennis Mitchell, Maggie "Margaret" Wade has died. For what seemed like an endless childhood Maggie struggled to get Dennis's attentions. After her family moved away in the late 60's Margaret attended university where she earned a doctorate in etymology. Maggie was a staunch, and often controversial, feminist. She is survived by her cat, Mrs. Kisses.


Wilford Brimley
1699 - 

Another week has passed by and once again Wilford Brimley has cheated death. Death who has been waiting  for over three hundred years to reap his soul, has in the past had to take others due to Mr. Brimley's selfishness. Victims include young plague sufferers, people in the midst of famine, Kurt Cobain, and Seabiscuit. He is survived.


  1. Wait, why is Ms. Pacman dead? We love her. Did you know our cake topper for our wedding cake was Pacman and Ms. Pacman bride and groom figurines? Hee hee :)

    Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing

  2. That's awesome. Extra points for originality.

    Sad though... that Pacman fever... it's horrible.

  3. I figured with all the glue she was sniffin that Margaret would be the first to go but it seems that only good truly die young.

    That Ms PackMan thing hit me hard. Definately I will remember where I was and what I was doing when I heard the news. She had a good run though.

  4. That's nothing. Apparently PackMan showed up to the funeral with some floozy. Looked exactly like his dead wife.

  5. Great blog you have here! I can see myself coming back here often.

    And thanks for making me spit water all over my keyboard with the Brimley section, especially the first sentence. He's still alive because he really has that Cocoon pod in his pool. You think that was just a movie.

  6. Thanks a lot.

    Lol, true. I hadn't even considered the cocoon angle.

  7. It's all the quaker oats he ate!!!!

  8. Keeps him young- er ageless- er, frozen in time, has it?


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