Friday, February 5, 2010

The Back Page (non-obits)



Bud "Honey" Bear
2009 - 2010

Tragedy struck this past Wednesday when the beloved Honey Bear passed away. Just five months old, Honey managed to add a little sweetness to every life he touched. Born in Canada, he made the long trek down to the US where he lived briefly in a store before being adopted by a family. His favorite pastimes included drinking tea, eating peanut butter, buttering biscuits and playing tennis. He is survived by Stevia.



Player 1 Dog from Duck Hunt
1984 - 2010

Fans of the game Duck Hunt will be disheartened to learn that the Player 1 Dog is dead. Early Sunday morning gunshots were heard from his studio apartment. It was revealed that he had shot a close friend and then turned the Nintendo gun on himself. In a letter, he expressed his deep feelings of guilt for all the ducks he helped flush out. Never married, he is survived by his father and brother.



Player 2 Dog from Duck Hunt
1984 - 2010

Fans of the game Duck Hunt will be disheartened to learn that the Player 2 Dog is dead. Early Sunday morning gunshots were heard from his friend's apartment. It was later revealed that he was shot by Player 1 Dog in a murder suicide. Many may recall that in his latter years, Player 2 Dog had done a lot of charity work for victims of hunting accidents. He is survived by a wife and 6 pups.



Non-Death


Brett Favre
1969 - 

After a pounding season that saw him down on the ground repeatedly, Brett Favre has survived to live another day. Pundits have repeatedly made it clear that Favre is too old for football\breathing. In response Favre announced today that to prove them all wrong he will "never die," and if he so chooses he will "continue playing football well into his 90's." Awesomeness could not be reached for comment as it hung its hat on him years ago.

15 comments:

  1. Not to worry! Bud can be revived by a transfusion! Lift off his pretty yellow hat, procure a 'Sue Bee', and dispense some of her liquid gold into Bud...

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  2. Now you tell me! Alas, the funeral (garbage) has already been carried out. On the plus side his brother now resides with me.

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  3. Duck hunt dog...

    that was hilarious...

    good job, as always.

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  4. Oh no! They were so young!

    Was Brett Favre going to go out in the trash too?

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  5. I knew those two duck hunt dogs brought out the worse in each other. That was one intervention I knew was doomed from the start.

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  6. You think I don't suspect you had something to do with 'Honey' Bear's death but I do. You think you got away with it but every killer messes up in some way. You can't account for every detail. That 'typed' suicide note might have fooled the Mounties for the moment but once they notice that honey free keyboard in the trash they will bring an end to your sick game. Can you hear it. The beating of his hideous heart? Can you, bitch?

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  7. What's that on my fingers? Ah, yes, the sweet taste of honey.

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  8. Wow, you offed an entire bear? You must have some honey intake.

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  9. Well... there were others involved. But I do likes the honey.

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  10. It's a huge conpiracy. I feel like an investigative reporter stumbling on a murderous bee based cabal in a John Bee Grisham novel. See he writes all those Bee mystery books. See what I did there. Cause bees make honey...

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  11. And to think, I always pinned P2 dog for the asshole..

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  12. No, he just played one in the game.

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  13. I'm surprised you left out the so disgusting you can't help but read about it details of the dogs secret love affairs.

    Insert gross dog/duck joke.
    Or gay dog joke.
    Or dog with other dog's wife joke.
    Or dog tapping foot under bathroom stall joke.

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