Friday, March 5, 2010

The Back Page (non-obits)

Max Eisenhardt (a.k.a. Magneto)
1927 - 2010

Friend to some, enemy to most, famed mutant Magneto died this Wednesday. Magneto, who lived through the holocaust, and survived battles with other powerful mutants, seemingly had no weakness. However this was not the case as the apparent cause of death was beef poisoning. Long time friend Charles Xavier commented on his friend's passing by saying, "I was saddened to hear the news. I'd often warned Erik about his love of consuming large quantities of beef, but he just wouldn't listen." Those expected to attend the funeral include Raven Darkhölme, Cain Marko, and Susan Summers.

1223 - 2010

Surprising news out of Boise this week, when it was announced that chivalry was dead. Witnesses to the event claim to have seen Patricia Walter, a local teacher, entering a restaurant with her date Thomas Redding. As they approached the entrance Tom suddenly stopped and waited for her to open the door for him. Later when the check came, Thomas claimed to have "not thought to bring his wallet along with him." Chivalry is survived by Patriotism, and Common Sense. 

Stick Figure John
1988 - 2010

Tragedy struck this week. Beloved binder doodle Stick Figure John, passed away this week. Over his short life, John appeared on many binders, often without people realizing his name. Quite often he could be seen dancing like there was no tomorrow. Unfortunately for John, there isn't one. A memorial will be held this Sunday when he is carried out in the trash.


Art Linkletter
July 17, 1912 - 

The world was stunned this week to learn that Art Linkletter is still alive. A television and radio legend, Art hosted several different shows, including People Are Funny and House Party. Well known for the comedic interviews he did with children, this was later reworked in Kids Say the Darndest Things. A friend of Walt Disney he appeared in many Disney shows as well. At one time he even put out a set of Children's Encyclopedias that bore his name. While everyone is reeling from the news of your longevity, let me be the first to say, congratulations and here's to another 97 years.


  1. This post is great. Where do you get your ideas? I wish I was this clever!!

  2. I had NO idea magneto died!!!! That sucks!!!!! I agree you've been on a roll with some really creativly cool posts.

  3. I always felt that “Stick Figure John” was a poor role model, and contributed greatly to the rise of anorexia among young people.

  4. I hear 'patriotism' was institutionalized and 'common sense' is on life support.

    Now THAT is clever.

  5. I am sorry. That came from the 'Well of My Bitterness'.

  6. I don't know how you come up with this stuff, I love it because it is funny, and I hate you for making me jealous!

  7. That Tom Redding really gets around. I could swear I dated him.
    Chivalry must have had a healthier existence in Idaho, cuz it's been dead on the West Coast for a while.

  8. I remember when he hosted 'Kids Say The Darndest Things'.... But he was a lot blacker and he would wear the craziest sweaters.... And had a crazy obsession for pudding pops....

  9. I absolutely love your obituary posts. And not just because I'm morbid, but because they're so funny. And even though I know it's coming, I still get surprised by your "shocked that he's still alive" entry, and it always makes me laugh. There are a number of people that I am shocked to see alive. (Me included.) May things continue to die, so that we may see more of your posts! (Sorry, that was a little mean. I apologize to any dead people I may have offended.) Keep them coming TS.

    And thanks for your comments on my site. Always good to see you.

  10. Actual cause of death for Magneto: Becoming the central focus of too many X-Men films, thereby destroying the series. Handled.


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