Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Battle of the Mascots: The Fourth Vote

Despite the fact that a couple of people tried to vote twice (the cops are on their way), Groundhog did legitimately beat Turkey in the previous round. We tried to get a statement from G, on how it felt being victorious, but halfway through its answer the sun appeared from behind a cloud, and G started freaking out for some reason. Before we could calm him down, or even shoot him, he jumped in a hole and was gone. So, needless to say, he wasn’t around for the victory party, which was too bad—because the turkey sandwiches were spectacular. But, we can’t wait any longer for G to reappear. We must move on to the next battle:


There was no consensus on what Santa truly looked like until Coca-Cola told us what he looked like in the 1930s. Then the entire world went, “Ohhhh.” And we all just accepted it. But he certainly proved his longevity, by remaining a virtually unchanged mascot for Christmas ever since.

Obviously, a bit of explanation is needed here. The reason Birthday Cake is included amongst all the other Mascots, has less to do with the fact that we needed an eighth contestant, and more to do with the fact that birthdays are actually the basis for many other holidays (including Presidents’ Day, Bugs Bunny Day, and even Christmas) so it deserved to be included. Plus, there are lots of different cakes, but take any one of them and smush a candle into it, and it is immediately thought of as a Birthday Cake. It is a universally recognized icon for a specific day, and therefore we have an eighth competitor. Whew!

You now get to vote for who you think is the greater Holiday Mascot. Leave a comment, or send an email, to give us your vote. The winner of this round will be announced on Saturday, and then two of the previous winners will come out and face each other.


  1. It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas. Santa passes over my house every year..Birthday cake, though, does not discriminate. I vote for the cake, and I'll take a piece too.

  2. You really got to stop making these so easy. It's Birthday Cake all the way.

    Cake (as far as I know) has never exploited the elf population for cheap labor while rejecting all attempt at unionizing the workplace.

    Cake never threatens to NOT show up if you have been bad.

    Cake keeps NO files on your life Hoover did when he was running the FBI.

    Cake doesn't defy 'no fly' zones and doesn't deliberatly taunt foreign governments by flying ABOVE the radar on that ONE night a year that he works.

    Cake doesn't outsource his image and personage so that a child can see fifty of him in one day while shopping in crowded malls. Cake has no interest in confusing you like that.

    Cake is tasty - old bearded grampa sweat is not.

    Cake smells good. Whiskey breathed mall Santa does not.Cake is not a boozer.

    Cake is not impotent nor diabetic.

    Cake love you and Santa does not.

    Santa is just a tool of 'the man' who only wants to sell you shit you don't need.

    You can't rearrange the letters in 'cake' to get the word 'satan'.

  3. You can't beat Cal's logic. I vote for cake as well. If cake wears that bday candle from Asblackasobama's post then he/she should surely win by a landslide.

  4. Bugs Bunny Day???

    I don't eat cake. Don't like it. I pick Santa.

  5. Unfortunately, cake must be disqualified, because to be a mascot, you need to be a caricature of some living being.
    (Note, the living being can be fantasy, such as a unicorn, or a leprachaun, but cake clearly does not qualify).
    Santa wins by default.

  6. Choose between Santa and a Pastry?

    Piece of cake.

  7. Seriously? Santa can bring you some cake if its on your list. The cake doesnt bring your shit. Plus you dont get off of work/school when bday cake comes. unless your jesus.

  8. I'm so torn.

    I'm hungry, however...so cake takes the cake.

  9. I started thinking about this and a twisted bit of logic came to mind: At least when it comes to Santa, there's like sexy Santa and Mrs. Klaus costumes you can dress up in. There's no such thing as a "sexy cake" costume. But then I realized my husband would probably be more excited if I dressed up as cake. And I felt really uncomfortable and a little sad.

    Still, I vote Santa.

  10. Already on the fourth one? This one flew by fast.

    I gotta go with Santa. I give him a lot of flak. Plus I try to kill him every year as a tradition so... yeah.

    Plus I don't really like cake.

  11. By far, my favorite cake is German Chocolate. Unfortunately, I'm the only one in my family that likes it. Everyone else hates it. So guess what I NEVER get on my BD? That's right!

    So my vote goes for Santa! However, with my background, don't think I'm not going to split his friggin' melon open with a fire poker if I ever catch him in my chimney...

  12. You have to go with Santa.... Birthday cake is too expected.... Birthday pie is the way to go....

    Or maybe I should just vote for birthday cake, because Reputation@Stake seems to declare the winner as 'Whatever ASBLACKASOBAMA didn't choose'....

    No no no.... I'll stick with Santa....

  13. Birthday cakes blow, Im all for the jolly elf rapist


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