Saturday, May 1, 2010

Battle of the Mascots: Semi Finals 1 of 2

After a surprisingly close battle early on, Santa then apparently gave his reindeer some steroids and was able to finish strong. So congrats, Mr. Claus, on your victory, and we’ll see you again in the next round. But our current round is about to start, so we must turn our attention elsewhere.

Now, one of our next two contestants might be a surprise to people who have been following along. In the very first battle a mistake was made and then quickly corrected, but not before some voters read the error. Jack-O-Lantern actually won, but his opponent was incorrectly named the victor. An update was immediately issued, but we here at the Non-Review take our mistakes very seriously, so we punished ourselves by banging our heads against a wall until the police showed up. (Apparently the noise was bothering people.)

As far as we know, the head-banging did not affect our sanity in any way, though admittedly it would be like trying to tell the difference between an alive rock and a dead rock. (Man, my head still hurts.) But there’s no time for further medical tests because our next competition is upon us:


Non-Review: If you had to eat a rotten tomato on the back of a galloping zebra using nothing but chopsticks, would you prefer to use salt or pepper?
Jack: “Dude, you are weird. Did you hit your head, or something? That’s bizarre even for Halloween. But I only dish out fear, I don’t experience it myself, so I’ll answer your question. I wouldn’t eat it at all, because I don’t believe in cannibalism. Vegetables don’t eat vegetables. It’s a code we live by.”
Non-Review: A tomato is a fruit, not a vegetable.
Jack: “Fine. I don’t like tomatoes, okay? Thanks for telling the world. I don’t need this kind of harassment—I’ve got a contest to focus on. Interview over.”

Non-Review: Do you prefer chocolate or strawberry milkshakes?
EB: “What?! Jack gets a question from the twilight zone, and I get asked about milkshakes! What, you think I can’t handle it, or something? Give me a real question.”
Non-Review: If you were making a stew, would you make it using Thumper or The Velveteen—
EB: “Forget it, I’m leaving.”

The weight of this contest now turns to you. Vote for who you think is the greater Holiday Mascot by leaving a comment, or sending an email. The winner of this round will be announced on Tuesday, and the two other previous winners will then come out and face each other.


  1. The interviews were hilarious. You are awesome rep@stake.

    I vote for Easter Bunny, I love his Jelly Beans (no sexual innuendo implied.....or was there?)

  2. Easter Bunny for me. Halloween has TOO many mascots.

  3. Are you people kidding? Easter Bunny is way too wimpy. I'm going for the big O (no sexual innuendo intended. Or was there?)

  4. Easter bunny? Seriously? Jack is like the ultimate badass mascot.


    Jack has my vote. :)

  5. Know what I think??? I think that the 'email votes' are the Non-Review's little loophole to swing the election any which way they want...big media sucks...I'm going back to Fox News.

  6. Sorry Cotton, we work for Fox News too. And using 'email votes' as a loophole is a great idea. We'll have to start doing that. Thanks for the tip. But, no, we simply wait for ASBLACKASOBAMA to vote, and then we choose whichever one he didn't. But keep that between us, because he's already suspicious.

  7. Rep, you weren't supposed to tell! Lol

    I'm going with Jack. He's just infinitely cooler than some egg laying bunny.

  8. E. Bunny. He'll kick the cream eggs out of Jack!!!!

  9. Gotta go with the EB too, he offers more sustainability, and in todays market, that is key

  10. The Easter Bunny makes all other bunnies look like they should be driving vans and collecting children. He also just gives me the 'heebie jeebie'. Pumkin should being doing that job but his ability to animate any body makes him more of an action figure than a pedophile who lures children to their doom with his hollow chocolate bunnies. Jack all the way.

  11. I was totally gonna go for the jack, until I read that he doesn't like tomatoes. Poop. He loses. Tomatoes are HEAVENLY.

    I vote for the Easter Bunny. Chocolate and all. (And he probably likes tomatoes).

  12. Wow.... This is like the mascot version of Satan v. Jesus.... It's like a blog pay per view title fight....

    Easter bunny wins it....


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