Friday, May 14, 2010

The Back Page (non-obits) 5/14/2010

My Lunch
2010 - 2010

Sad news fans of turkey on whole wheat, my lunch has died. An autopsy showed the time of death to coincide with the showing of this picture to me. You may recall that at one time my lunch was a happy thing. Often I would speak of my lunch fondly and think of how good it would be when we were together. Unfortunately it was not to be. In lieu of flowers, Pepto-Bismal is requested.



A Love of Water
1983 - 2010

The news came in late last night that the John Doe from last week has been identified as A Love of Water. Commenting on the astounding announcement, a local by the name of John Doe -that can't be right, can it?- remarked, "Are you surprised? I used to love water myself but I just got too much of it." A memorial is scheduled to be held commemorating all the accomplishments of water. It is survived by a love of chocolate milk, which has yet to flood a state with anything but deliciousness.



Mr Pibb
1972 - 2010

Henry Thomas Pibb, known more commonly in the neighborhood as Mr. Pibb, the kindly school teacher, has passed away. Folks may recall that Henry was subject to much ridicule in his short life, stemming from the fact that he bore a striking resemblance to a colleague. While cause of death has not yet been determined, police have arrested one Dr. Tadious J. Pepper, possibly in connection with his death. He is survived  by his wife Peg and his two children Doreen and Jimmy.


Non-Death 
***Special Edition***


Brimley Watch:

Wilford Brimley
02 -

I know, I know, I featured him before. But his continuance is something that scientists are scratching their heads over. According to one researcher who has been studying the case extensively "Mr Brimley is an enigma. As best we can tell he once babysat Adam and Eve." While multiple theories abound to his longevity, one thing is for certain about the quaker-oat-loving-diabetes-fighting-wunderkind, we here at The Non-Review will never grow tired of seeing that walrus mustache and icy glare. Here's to you good sir!   




(don't forget to enter my first Giveaway this weekend!)

18 comments:

  1. Why do you make Betty cry like this? I am saddened, so saddened by these losses. Mostly, I am just perplexed by Wilford, but I am sad about the rest.

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  2. awwww!! i'm sorry for the loss of "love for water." at least "love for chocolate" still lives.... my husband always says that water is not to be messed with.... it is the one thing you cannot control or stop or protect yourself against.... it's just too powerful.... water and my son have the same motto... "you cannot stop it; you can only hope to contain it!"

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  3. Yes, yes I think my love of water has disappeared as well.
    Mr. Pibb is IT!
    I am so sorry that you lost so much. It fucking sucks ass. I think my grieving has moved from sadness to anger now. I think bargaining may be next

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  4. You're a brilliant writer. Really.

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  5. From FF
    Take a minute an check my blog out if you haven't already.
    I have lots of great giveaways going on.
    Thanks :)

    ethertonphotography.blogspot.com

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  6. Well done...great take the the Water situation. Brimley is one of my favorite character actors.

    http://www.apackalipsnow.blogspot.com

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  7. I have to salute you, Mr. Hendrik. Even in the midst of a total and complete disruption of your life, you continue to post your sparkling and creative wit without any loss of quality. Instead of complaining, you just keep on making us smile while we sit in our warm dry houses.

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  8. I buy diabetes testing supplies and I don't even have diabetes. Touche Wilfred Brimley

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  9. Turkey on whole wheat is like my old standby - cheese please on mine...

    Funny about the Mr. Pibb thing... years ago there was a biz lunch for some pharma execs. We wanted to treat them to lunch. I called their admins. They asked us to get the guy Mr. Pibb and I was like "huh?" Apparently it's popular at Panera :)

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  10. I agree with Joe, though your creativity is shining through even more than ever. It really stinks, too, that you weren't flooded with chocolate milk. As for Wilford, I don't know of him. Is he the same guy who played Captain Kangaroo?
    Hang tough.
    Robyn

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  11. Robyn, You don't know who Wilford Brimley is?! Never mind movies and tv, he's the guy who did the quaker oats and diabetes commercials.

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  12. Ahh, thanks for the clarification. Quaker oats must have a way of keeping the dead alive. I still think he looks like Captain Kangaroo, but I believe the Captain is truly dead. (He must've eaten waffles, not quaker oats.)
    xoRobyn

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  13. You can now add my lunch to yours, as another loss. Thanks so much for that. A throw-up warning might be helpful next time. But it's okay, and I was just about to forgive you, but then you tossed up an accusation against Dr. Pepper, and we can't have that. He would never hurt anyone, and has only ever dedicated his life to giving us the best beverage ever made. So I am hurt, TS, hurt, that you would slight his good name. So, now I think I'll take that first picture and blow it up to poster size, and send it to you.

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  14. I have heard that things have died while trying to escape from Wilford's mustache....

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  15. You are amazing my friend. Not only because you are so creative, but that you can do it in scuba gear...
    I'm saddened by the photo of Wilford Brimley. Mostly because I'm starting to look very much like him...

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  16. I think someone should study Wilford's mustache. I think they might find Jimmy Hoffa and Amelia Earhart.

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  17. My only wish in life is that the wife could have appreciated how funny the water obituary was, I tried explaining it after I had just told her about the flood this weekend and the humor fell on deaf ears.. I appreciated it though TS, I did..

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  18. Diabeetiss-beetiss-beetiss-beetiss...

    That video is the only reason I know who he is.

    RIP Love of Water! :(

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