Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Non-Review: Twilight Saga: Eclipse - A Shrunken Head Review
Smith: Au contraire, I love the Twilight series. That is to say, I love the films; haven't read the books.
Thomas: Well, that is surprising. So then what did you think of the new movie?
Smith: Clearly the best in the series.
Thomas: Really? Do tell.
Smith: The tension really heats up in this one as a string of murders unfolds into a full out vampire war. New alliances, love torn triangles and plenty of werewolf action makes for a great story.
Thomas: What do you think of the leads?
Smith: Miss Stewart once again shines in the role of Bella, the young woman at the center of the story. Her counterpart Robert Pattinson has owned the role of Edward from the beginning and is in fine form here.
Thomas: Ok... how do you feel about Taylor Lautner?
Smith: Who the hell cares? Do I look like I'm team Jacob?
Thomas: Ha ha ha! That's very funny Smith.
Smith: What do you mean?
Thomas: Uh... Never mind. Jeffrey what did you think?
Jeffrey: I thought, as I still do, that Smith is a 12 year old girl.
Smith: Why, because I can enjoy a love story!?
Jeffrey: No, because you're obsessed with a teen series that's poorly written, poorly acted and features a bunch of half naked guys running around. Also you like hopscotch and playing Mystery Date.
Smith: Oh, I get it. It doesn't feature some geek in a silly red suit swinging around on a spider web, so clearly it must suck. Just because it's not aimed at your demographic doesn't mean that you have to knock it.
Thomas: Jeffrey, is it safe to assume you hated it?
Jeffrey: I thought it was bland as the other films have been, but I didn't inherently hate it. In fact I sort of agree, that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are perfect in the roles.
Smith: Nice to hear you finally making some sense. I thought you didn't care for them though.
Jeffrey: I don't. I think both Pattinson and Stewart in all their roles have the personality of a walking corpse. It just so happens that for these movies that's what's called for. Now that Taylor Lautner... big things ahead for him. He's a genius.
Smith: Nope... I'm not going to take the bate this time. I know you're just trying to make me lose it. I will not stoop to your level.
Thomas: Good for you Smith. There's more than the leads though. How'd feel about the supporting cast?
Smith: Anna Kendrick is quickly becoming a favorite actress of mine.
Jeffrey: I can't fault you there. I loved her a few years back in Rocket Science and again in Up in the Air. She's also in Scott Pilgrim vs. The World which comes out later this year. Very excited about that film.
Thomas: Oh, me too. I loved the comics.
Smith: You two are such geeks. You really should try to grow your mind with something of substance.
Jeffrey: Shut up team Jacob. Just cause we don't fantasize about being some anemic chick in love with a werewolf like you do, doesn't give you the right to insult us.
Smith: I'm team Edward! I like vampires!
Jeffrey: And most other things that suck.
Thomas: Ok, time for me to step in again. I guess I might as well close here. Personally, I found the film to be better than the previous entries. I'm no Twilight fan but then it's really not aimed at me. There have certainly been worse properties targeting teenage girls in the past. The film has some decent action, which is refreshing after the yawn of the first two films. Stewart and Pattinson are so ingrained in these roles that I can't even judge their performances on a stand alone basis. They are their characters. Ultimately, if you're a fan of the series, you'll love it, and if you're not, then you probably wouldn't. Any parting words you guys want to add?
Smith: You haters need to give it a rest. I'm straight, I'm a man and I love Twilight.
Jeffrey: And slumber parties and braiding your hair.