Friday, January 13, 2012

Beauty and the Beast 3D, Contraband, Joyful Noise: 7 Word Weekend Review

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

Beauty and the Beast 3D - Tale as old as time. Well, apparently. 

Contraband - My problem is, I don't understand why.

The Divide (limited) - I bet it bombs. Get it? Oh...

Joyful Noise - Everything I hate in one unattractive package.

See because The Divide is about a nuclear bomb going off and... never mind.

I think we're going to do things a little different this week. You know how I like to shake things up in the world of reviewing. Well, not so much shake up as lightly jiggle. And then mostly in my world of reviews. Non-Reviews. Point is, we're going to change things up. Thusly I present you with all three movies reviewed at once. The Divide doesn't factor in cause, why should it?

I've always been a fan of Beauty and Beasts, though I'd have to say that Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton both make better beasts than Mark Walhberg. I'm sorry but I've always had trouble buying him as an action star. He's as convincing an action star to me as Jerry Orbach is a singing candle. Note please that I said is, not was. He's dead after all, and I've never known a dead guy to make for a good candle. Unless of course you count that guy who had himself preserved in wax and set up in his old Alma mater. But he didn't sing, and that's really gross, and honestly I'm just digressing. Where was I? Oh yes, singing. Dolly Parton sings, and usually it's just annoying. Queen Latifah 'sings' and that's annoying. Mark Wahlberg... well I'd rather not go there. So chalk one up for Disney cause I'd rather listen to Angela Lansbury steaming up a hot brew and chortling to a perpetually 8 year old cup about how a pretty girl can fall in love with a beast. Not to be confused with beastiality, because... Hmm... We'll come back to that one. Anyways, I'd rather Lansbury carrying on than listen to the aging pipes of a singer who's been more famous for her bust in the waning years than her voice. Plus I still can't forgive her for that penny dreadful version of Collective Soul's 'Shine'. This paragraph is starting to get long though so... Break!

Should we then to some extent skip the music, skip the stars and go straight to the heart of any film's draw?The pizaz, no that's not the right spelling. Spell check suggests pizza, which doesn't seem right. Skip it, I'll edit it out later unless I forget. That does happen sometimes. Especially when i'm just running on like this and realize it'd erase like half a paragraph. Digressing, start over. Every film has an 'it' factor. Some make IT a good film and some make IT a bad one. Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton... Now I must weigh, how politically incorrect it would be to say they make me think of an interracial version of Frog and Toad. Nope, pretty sure that would be offensive, so I won't say that it's its it factor (it's its it, my sentences are like poetry). I will say that mark Wahlberg has reminded me occasionally of a dancing bear in a weird way. Something about the face. Probably better if you don't ask.  Getting long again... Break!

I'm willing to admit when I make mistakes. I made one last week when I said Devil Inside might be good with a crowd. From what I've heard a crowd only turns to mob when watching that film. I also made a  mistake when I thought as a kid watching X-Files that Giovanni Ribisi would be a great actor, shining in many fantastic roles. Instead he's become one of those actors that if I see is in a movie I have to deduct 2 points off the film prior to seeing it. As Mark Wahlberg's costar in the film, I guess you could call him the IT factor. Which just leaves the beastiality flick. Plus side, teaches your kids the importance of finding the beauty within. Negative, they might then fall in love with a talking wolf. Which is okay if it's a Teen Wolf, but should be avoided at all costs otherwise. Still I think that leaves Beauty and the Beast up at the top. Even if it has been seen a thousand times before, it's never a bad film to revisit. Plus you get to see Jerry Orbach doing the very things he tried to put Baby in a corner for. In the end, 2 films I'd wait for video for and 1 film that's been on video for a couple decades so you might as well see it in theater.

Aaaanddd... Rest.

Have a great weekend everyone!


  1. I've seen the ads for 'Joyful Noise' and figured it would be horrible. Dolly doesn't look human any more, I'm afraid. I like her, but she should leave well enough alone.

    I never liked 'Beauty and the Beast' because for me they changed the meaning of the story. It was a favorite of mine and the beast was ugly but kind and good and that is why Beauty fell in love with him. In the movie he is an asshole.

    I love Mark Wahlberg. Not sure why, but I do.

  2. You need to do reviews like this more often - that was hilarious!
    And good of you to get through that without mentioning the Funky Bunch.

  3. That post was a whirlwind of awesome. I feel all manicky, you know, in a "show me the money" fun kind of way, or a Tony Micelli tap dancing with bottlecaps on the sole of his shoes kind of way. Queen Latifah is an automatic "no watch" for me. She is awful.

  4. Sorry I have to disagree with you on Markie Mark...I think he brings a different angle to the typical action role. I will see this movie and you can't stop me not even if you show me Divide! I will skip and agree on Dolly and Queen.

  5. Isn't Dolly Parton older than Time?
    Wahlberg is ok in action movies ....enjoyed this Tim Pickle

  6. Probably seeing Beauty and the Beast with my girlfriend...Im down for Contraband though, Kate Beckinsale!!!

  7. I think you've been missing us because you sure wrote a lot!! LOL A lot of good stuff definitely but still you wrote a lot!!
    You are hilarious today...I'm still laughing...."fall in love with a talking wolf.." LMAO

  8. Haha I pictured you doing one of those speech to text things while doing this because you for whatever reason I felt like it was written and therefore should be read at a mad pace.

    (And wow, that was a nice pick SF just had.)

    Dig the mad mad ramblings of a busy man. Write more good sir, por favor?

  9. Frog and Toad must always be played by a FROG and a TOAD and this point is not negotiable.

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