Monday, June 3, 2013

Letters To Superheroes: Issue #1 - Dear Spider-Man

Dear Mr. Parker,

Much acclaim has recently been made over your heroic acts. Each day it seems a daring new story is printed in the papers. True, most of them try to mark you up as some sort of masked villain, but the people of the city largely know better. Few though, it can be safely said, know the person behind the mask. As it happens I know your secret in an intimate way. See, I'm the one who bit you.

I know, that sounds ludicrous. How on earth could a spider possibly write a letter in perfect English? A stupid thought, right? Almost as stupid as the idea of a man swinging through the city on large silk strands and sticking to walls. Did you honestly think that a genetic transference would only go one way? Sorry brother, you may have picked up the best of me, but I assure you, I got the worst of you.

First of all, let's talk about hands: What the heck are these things good for? Yeah, I gather you can hold stuff. Big deal. When you're a spider that's not really a top priority. You know what is? Not sticking to your own web. On no less then nine occasions I have almost died getting tangled up in my lines. Not good Mr. Parker. Not good at all.

Secondly, I seem to have the urge to walk on just two of my legs all the time now. I'm sure for a bipedal creature, such as yourself, it's the best way to travel. You'll find it's rather inconvenient when you're used to traveling on eight legs. Being top heavy as I am, falling seems to be my go to move as of late. In an eat or be eaten world it's a wonder I'm still alive to write this letter.

I won't even go into the horrible eyesight I seem to have picked up from you. In case you didn't know the answer to do they make glasses for beings with 8 eyes? It's no. No they do not.

And I've tried to make the best out of a bad situation, I truly have. Same as you, I thought maybe I was called to be a hero of some sort. So, I began trying to utilize my new "skills" to right injustices being committed in the arachnid world. Coincidentally, I called myself Man-Spider! Mind you it was before I even saw a news story about you. The craziness, amiright?. Anyway, that hasn't worked out as pretty much everyone I've tried to save has died.

Listen, Peter --can I call you Peter? I feel like we should be on a first name basis. I know you didn't ask to be bitten. I didn't ask to be experimented on. I happened to be escaping the day in question and you were just in my way. Really it was a matter of bad timing on both our parts. However, I really feel like we've sort of created something that's kind of wrong. I was hoping we could get together sometime here and discuss the possibility of swapping everything back?

Look forward to hearing from you soon.


Ronald Ellington (A.K.A The Amazing Man-Spider)


  1. This whole post kills me, but the part about everybody dying had me rolling.


  3. Hilarious! Never thought about the spider getting Peter's abilities. Or rather, inabilities.

  4. Seems like a perfectly reasonable request.

  5. You are so creative and so darn funny! A whole new point of view. You are probably the only person to ever ponder this!


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