Monday, July 1, 2013

Letters To Superheroes: Issue #5 - Dear Batman

Dear Master Wayne,

It is with a heavy heart that I must tender my resignation.

In truth it has been my honor and privilege to serve the Wayne family all these many years. Your father was a great man and your mother was one of the sweetest women I've ever known. It was quite humbling when they named me as legal guardian. It was a joy to watch you grow up from a sad, frightened kid into the man you are today. But frankly, I just can't handle this workload anymore.

Master Wayne, do you have any idea how much of my time is spent just doing laundry for you? It was one thing when you were 11 and I had to get the grass stains out of your little league uniform. It's another thing trying to clean the blood out of your batsuit. It's not just blood in your batsuits either. Look Master Wayne, I'm glad you've found love with this Catwoman but good lord, I'm almost 60 years old, there are somethings I don't need to be privy to.

Then there's the sewing. Why do you even make the suits that tight? You bust seams every single night you're out. Have you ever tried to thread a needle with failing eyesight? No? Didn't think so.

Aside from the laundry angle, there's the general cleaning. Sure we have a crew that takes care of top to bottom scrubbing of the mansion, but tell me young master, who do you suppose is in charge of cleaning the super-secret batcave? That's right, me. Oh sure, you've promised to chip in from time to time, but do you ever? NO. When the time rolls around, you always have some convenient excuse about being too worn out from fighting crime. Not too worn out, I might add, to have yourself a late night Taco Bell party for one. Enjoying that fourth meal Master Wayne?

Never even considered that I might enjoy a delicious chalupa did you?

In the end though, the straw that's breaking this particular camel's back is your new, young protege. I'm too old to be handling teenagers anymore. I don't know what a One-Dee is nor why I have to secure the tickets for a girl he's wishing to impress. I understand 14 is an awkward age, but so is 58.

Don't worry about severance, I've been in charge of my own salary for years and as it stands I'm probably the richest butler ever to grace this planet.

Best of luck to you and the boy.

Alfred Pennyworth


  1. Alfred can go get his own butler now.
    Never thought about the bat cave. He has a point about being the only one who cleans it.

  2. He obviously wasn't a member of the International Brotherhood of Superhero Support Employees. They wouldn't stand for those working conditions.

  3. I just read that in Michael Caine's voice!

  4. As God intended. After Caine can anyone ever truly fit the role better?


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