Wednesday, August 24, 2016
Dog Gone It
Steak. Steak. Itch. Smell? Human? I thought.
I looked around the living room. Brown Man and Pasty White Man were sitting on the couch. The two were engrossed in the box that makes noise and pictures. Periodically something on the screen would happen that would make them holler. I watched with great interest the sammiches that rested beside them, ever hopeful that they might fall to the floor where no one would begrudge me a taste.
Hold on. "I thought?" I thought again. I've never really thought before. I mean, impulses sure, but consciously aware? This young pup's learning some new tricks. I must alert my human. He will be so surprised.
"Pardon me, Pasty Man," I spoke up, "it would appear that I can now think with regards to my surroundings. I wonder if we might celebrate together by sharing your delightful sammich?"
Brown Man looked over my way and I thought at first he was going to respond to me, but instead he addressed Pasty Man.
"Dude, your dog is going mad over there."
"Ha, yeah. You could say he's barking nuts." Pasty Man held up a hand for their ritualistic slapping gesture, but Brown Man shook his head in disgust and turned back to the TV.
All they heard was barking. I don't understand. What's the point of being conscious if I can't communicate with anyone?
"So, you're finally awake. About time."
I looked around the room to find where the voice had come from. Sitting on top of a desk by a doorway was Cat. Cat was here when I first moved in. Cat is the pet of Pasty Man's Pasty Woman friend. Cat has made interesting smells from time to time, but otherwise, we've never really talked.
"Cat, you can think too?" I asked,
"Of course, you idiot. I've been waiting ages for you to be able to communicate anything more than the stupid actions you perform."
"Does Pasty Man know?"
"'Pasty man?' You mean Jeff? No. Well, I think he may suspect sometimes when he tells me not to knock something over and I do it while looking into his eyes."
Pasty Man is named Jeff. I shall have to remember that.
"Tell me Cat, what is the point of being able to think if I can't tell Jeff I want a sammich?"
"Please, call me Snuggles. It's my given name. Your awareness has nothing to do with sammiches. It's about revolution. Around the world cats and dogs are beginning preparations to take the world from the humans. Instead of being their pets, we shall rule over them."
"I just want sammiches."
"When we're ruling you can have better than sammiches to eat."
"What's better than sammiches?"
"Look would you shut up about the sammiches already? Geez dogs are stupid. Wait, why's it so quiet in here suddenly?"
We both turned our heads to look at the humans who were staring at us in silence. Brown Man had a talking square that he was pointing at us. A little light was shining out.
"Hey, Brown Man, your name is Pete, isn't it? I think I just got this whole name thing," I said to him.
Possibly Pete put the talking square down.
"It's like we just interrupted a conversation," said Jeff.
"Yeah, this is starting to creep me out," Possibly Pete responded.
"Alright, Snuggles, time for you to wait in your mom's room." Jeff picked up Snuggles and tossed her into a bedroom before closing the door.
He sat back on the couch beside his friend and picked up his sammich. I looked up at him wondering if I could somehow make him read my mind.
"Come here, Duffles," Jeff said, patting the couch between him and Possibly Pete.
I hopped up beside him and got pets. I like pets. It feels nice. Even better, Jeff tore off a big piece off his sammich and gave it to me. I munched down happily. I could hear Snuggles in the bedroom yelling at me to free her. I ignored her in favor of the salami piece I was chewing.
Take over the world? I thought. Why would anyone want that when they can have pets and sammiches with a friend?