Friday, April 23, 2010

The back page... (Non-Obits)

Ben "The Immortal" Richards
1928 - 2010

Ben Richards more commonly known as The Immortal, has passed away. Portrayed in a short lived TV series by Christopher George (seen above) Ben had a rare blood condition that made him immune to every known disease. Hunted by Arthur Maitland, a dying billionaire seeking his blood to keep him alive, Ben spent a life constantly on the run. Sadly while he was immune to all natural death, he was not however immune to lions eating him. Ironically he is survived by Maitland who is purported to be celebrating his 152nd birthday next month.

Good Taste
1997 - 2010

Lovers of good taste will be saddened to learn that it was murdered this week. The news broke early yesterday morning when it was revealed that the new house the Farnsteins* had purchased would not be changed one iota. According to sources, the green and white tiling in the kitchen with "matching" orange cupboards, and the brown shag carpeting in the living room, were major draws. Good Taste is survived by the 70's which are apparently alive and well inside the house.

The picture of me peeing on the floor
1984 - 2010

The picture of me taken when I was a year old; naked and peeing on the kitchen floor, died this week. Witnesses say a man, roughly my height, with my color eyes and hair, with the same build, was seen ripping the picture to pieces before burning it. He further went on to dance happily. Horrid rumors abound however that the picture might be survived by several copies as well as the original negatives.


Ernest Borgnine
1642 -

Every new year I think Ernest Borgnine died the year before. Every year I find out that's not the case. It's been a tradition for the past 5 years at least. Yes the McHale's Navy star is still alive and well. Very well in fact as he remains quite busy, with several film projects upcoming. Stories of his longevity point to the possibility of a mysterious magic placed upon him when he let John Coffey ride the lightning. Though others suggest this is actually the plot of the Green Mile. Whatever the source, we here at The Non-Review wish him all the best, and many more years to come. 

*Names have been changed to protect the identity. You're welcome Wilsons!


  1. This whole post is full of comedic gems. I bow to your greatness on this beautiful April Friday.

    I'm glad there was some dancing done,although I do hope the peeing on the floor picture returns from the dead. We all do.

  2. I love that Good Taste wasn't born until 1997. That's perfect. And about Ernest Borgnine, are you sure you didn't just see a wax statue of him? I thought he died back in the 1800s. Oh, well, you're usually right about these things.

    All of these Non-Obits were completely hilarious. May they all rest in non-peace.

  3. Yeah ... The picture one is pretty fantastic. And good taste.

    All of them really.

    Would you mind doing a non obit for my weird crush on my high school european history teacher? She was not attractive, her nickname was skeletor, and yet I dug her. For my mental health that crush should be purged.

    Your comment board has yet again become my therapy couch. Weird.

  4. You had me pissing in my pants with your comments about Ernie. Hilarious!!!

  5. OMG, you make me laugh!

    So sorry to hear about your missing picture. I'll keep my eye out for someone who looks exactly like you. That bastard needs to be PUNISHED for destroying such artwork!!

  6. I thought the first dude was the Hawaii Five-O dude.

    I thought Ernest Borgnine died last year.

    I'm batting a thousand, eh?

  7. I was certain Borgnine died of taking one of his performances under the top

  8. GREAT group this time!
    So Ernest Borgnine has been annoying for over 300 years?

  9. I don't care what you say, I would happily own that chair!


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