Saturday, May 8, 2010

Battle of the Mascots: The Final Vote

Santa proved slightly more popular than Groundhog in the previous round, and therefore made it here, to the finals. He got a bit snoggered at the victory party, but has since sobered up in time for this last challenge. And I suppose it is appropriate that the two finalists are probably the first two characters people think of, if asked to name holiday mascots. And since people are asked that all the time (we assume), and have been for centuries, it’s a good thing that we are here to decide which is the greatest. You’re welcome. So let’s get to it. Our final Holiday Mascot competition begins now:

Easter’s
EASTER BUNNY
VS.
Christmas’
SANTA CLAUS




Biographical Timeline
1621: EB first felt his strange affinity for eggs.
1659: Got married, and had 68 kids.
1688: Began bringing eggs to human kids on Easter.
1704: His first grandchild is born, as his total number of children stands at 7,592.
1760: Due to the growing brattiness of human kids, he decides to hide their eggs, rather than give them to them.
1769: First Great-grandchild is born, as his total number of grandchildren reaches 639,400.
1815: Hiding Easter Eggs has the exact opposite effect EB was hoping for, as kids love it, and the concept becomes a big hit.
1857: First G-G-grandchild is born, as his number of Great-grandchildren reaches 90,722,000.
1914-1918: Egg distribution slows due to the war.
1922: Number of G-G-grandchildren reaches 4,625,000,000.
1939-1945: Only black and white dye is used on eggs, due to short supplies caused by war.
1986: G-G-G-grandchildren top 70,000,000,000,000.
2010: Makes it to the finals in The Non-Review’s Mascot contest.





Biographical Timeline
1621: Gets tired of the craziness of Europe, and moves to the North Pole.
1622: A few elves get tired of Europe too, and join him.
1673: Number of good children requiring gifts, reaches 200,000.
1740: Makes a deal with the reindeer that he will stop shooting them for food, if they will learn to fly.
1785: Actual number of good children begins to slip, and drops down to 143,000.
1816: Some enterprising elf—way ahead of his time—invents an assembly line method. Toy production speeds dramatically increase.
1866: Number of good children deserving gifts falls to 62,000.
1934: Santa has way more elves than he needs, so he loans some out to Willy Wonka.
1991: Good children worthy of gifts dips below 10,000.
2010: Makes it to the finals in The Non-Review’s Mascot contest.



The decision now falls to you, to decide who is “The Greatest Holiday Mascot.” Vote by leaving a comment (email votes are no longer accepted—we can’t remember our password) and the winner will be announced on Tuesday.

47 comments:

  1. Gotta go with the guy in the red suit. Bunnies don't lay eggs, so who know what other operations he may have had to enhance his biology?

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  2. They both blow chunks. However, when it comes to third worth exploitations Bunny only brings death and misery to growers of the delicious cocao bean while Santa spreads his economic 'love' to any poor region of the world that is willing to provide him with sweatshop space at a DISCOUNT. So I go with the lesser of the two evils and reluctantly choose the stinkin' Easter Bunny. I feel all dirty now.

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  3. My decision is made, I mean further confused, by Cal's response. I was going to also go for the lesser of these two losers, the Easter Bunny. Somehow, Cal's response, upon 15th reading, seems to indicate to me that Santa is a bit more charitable than the Bunny. With much reluctance and the need to go to synagogue for forgiveness, I'm voting for the fat guy in the red suit.
    xoRobyn

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  4. I am sorry I didn't make that clear. Santa's brand of 'love' means exploiting child labor in the third world to make his crappy gifts while paying pennies to local landlords who rent him the sweatshop space. Santa is pure evil. The fine Jewish people figured that out long ago. Hannuka might have eight days of crappy gifts but it actually means something compared to what Christmas has become.

    That is about the most pathetic example of me answering a comment on someone else's post ever. I am embarassed for myself but as I have no delete button on my keyboard I reluctantly push publish.

    But I don't feel good about it.

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  5. Feel good about it Cal.
    "Christmas" as we know it, is ridiculous.

    But Ishtar is almost equally as crappy. Oh...I now see your point...lesser of the two ridiculousnesses...Easter it is, nope, can't do it...isn't.

    I have to vote my convictions Cal, Santa wins...at least during Christmas time their seems to be a push toward more charitable thinking and gratitude...no?

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  6. You would think that wouldn't you Cotton Blossom? But when was the last time any of us were filled with the Christmas 'spirit'? I can remember two times in my entire life.

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  7. Cal, I reviewed the Christmas Spirit, months ago. Let's not reopen those wounds. lol

    This reminds me. I still hope to revise the story of santa I originally wrote in december, and make it clean and good.

    Anyway this is tough, cause they're my two least favorite. I miss cake.

    I guess I'll vote for Santa, purely by the standards of the story I wrote for him.

    Love the Bio timelines Rep!

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  8. Yeh...I am missing cake myself. That kid was allll right. Never got a fair shake in this whole vote thing. I blame PIE and 'the man' for keeping him down.

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  9. Oh Cal, you're making me re-think this whole dual once again. Damnit, I'M SO CONFUSED. You know I was just bullshitting in response to your bullshit, right? You must know that I am ever amused by your bullshit. I appreciate you for it, especially for noting that us fine Jewish people got Santa's number down well before the Gentiles and Mrs. Clause. I'll stick with my vote, though, since I don't want to throw another complication at TS and Rep. They'd have to come up with a rule for changing votes, decide if my reason was justified, whether I'll get a stale donut for being on whichever team loses, and all that. I still vote for Santa and the sweatshops, then, but I hope the less evil Bunny wins.
    xoRobyn

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  10. There are donuts? HEY Robin was promised donuts. Why am I just hearing about this now?

    Robin, the fact that TS and Rep haven't worked out the rules so all of us could understand them is on them. OUR balloon juice (the teacher way of saying Bullshit) is all we have to justify why we do anything in this crazy world.

    Jeez, you would think the guy was surviving a flood or something with the way he has been neglectful of all of us.

    I loved your final answer. It's so compromised and hurts no one. I can learn alot from you Robin. Now pass me my half of that donut.

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  11. I'm trying to work on a review of the flood, but you guys keep drawing me in.

    Cal, The rules are simple, all votes get tallied after the deadline. Until then, you can change your vote.

    The donuts came into discussion during the shapes battles. Losers camp has donuts. I don't even like donuts, but I've had a lot.

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  12. I just feel deep down that I am not getting a donut and I need to accept that.

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  13. Right? It's a lose lose. Either your candidate tanks or you don't get a donut.

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  14. Santa all the way! In the Christmas Universe, Santa is like Superman and Easter Bunny is Aquaman (except he doesn't live underwater and has affinity for eggs). This should be a no-brainer.

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  15. Don't let any part of your insides die over the donut thing, Cal. TS failed to mention that the donuts are stale. That's how he likes them. Sorry for outing you TS, especially when you're already going through rough times. I just felt the truth needed to be revealed - for Santa's sake.
    xoRobyn

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  16. But Robyn, his refusal to give me even a stale donut is the most hurtful thing of all. I can see if they were new and he wanted to keep them for himself. But to not share with me something that is ten minutes from the trash can is a slap in the face.

    Now turn away. I don't want you to see me cry. It's not manly.

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  17. Alright, let's settle this whole donut thing right now. I set aside the stale ones just for TS, so even if you wanted a stale one he hogs them all, so you're out of luck. Second, we have recently added donut holes to the mix, so if that doesn't make everyone happy, I don't know what will. Third ... well, I don't have a third, but the winners do get invited to the victory parties by default. And I'm sure either Santa or EB will have something tasty for everyone. So it's clearly a win/win, lose/lose, win/lose, lose/win kind of thing. Clearly.

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  18. Rep - Damn girl. You didn't have to get all 'ghetto in my face' like that. Now maybe I don't want a donut from you guys. I was just foolin' about.

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  19. So Rep loses his cool and suddenly he's a girl? You're the girl!

    No wait, that isn't right either.

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  20. Yeh maybe YOU'RE the girl. Okay, this is getting weird.

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  21. Easy peeps, I'll settle this.

    Rep, is a funny man

    Cotton, is a funny woman,

    I am a man

    Cal, is a caveman, apparently. Or is that avatar a tribesman?

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  22. Cal: Sorry to get all ghetto, but I'm very sensitive about snack cakes sometimes, and I haven't had a drink in like 10 minutes. Look at my hands shaking.

    Cotton: Thanks for clearing things up. It's surprising how often I get confused for a girl, especially in print. It must be my handwriting.

    TS: Thanks for having my back. And I know you were trying to be humble, but you're a funny man too. That's clear from your avatar. Those trees in the background are hilarious.

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  23. I have thoughts on the girl print handwriting thing (what) but I won't go into them here.

    You are right, that picture of TS does prove him to be funny, and also, an accomplished dancer.

    That's what I said.

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  24. Gotta go with Santa. He's the man with the list.

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  25. It is the image of a mighty man who needs nothing but a spear and a fur swimsuit (it's not a peep show around here bitches) to kill any and all of his water born enemies. They know who I mean and you know who I mean.

    What does a guy gotta do to get some respect and a donut around here?

    Okay, I admit it. I am still bitter about the donut and petty enough to NEVER LET IT GO!

    But I do forgive Rep. I too have know the shame of baked goods and how that shame can manifest itself in some pretty shifty and selfish ways. I just hear the name 'Little Betty' and my mind regresses to that time I spent in the Thunderdome.

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  26. Of course I meant 'Little Debbie'. 'Little Betty' makes a fine line of ready to eat mittens that keep you from chewing off your fingers when you are lost in the snowy forest.

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  27. Cal, tell you what, send me your address and you'll get your donut in 6 to 8 weeks.

    Ball's in your court now.

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  28. Why TS, this is all so sudden. I don't know how to respond.

    Let me quess, once I get this ring I will bite into it and find an engagement ring inside?

    I am flattered and charmed. I see why the ladies like you. You make a person feel all validated and pretty inside.

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  29. Am I the only one who sees that this whole conversation has gone off the rails and spun into some really weird areas?

    You people are sick I tell you, SICK!

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  30. Pretty sure you started us on this course.

    But in the interest of retaining some sanity, let's blame it on Bluto.

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  31. Bluto! That damn muslim socialist sailor and lunch trailer owner?

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  32. 32 comments of nonsense. You people make me proud to be among you.

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  33. I agree. 32 comments and like only 6 votes. It's a beautiful thing.

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  34. I vote for Santa!!

    Happy Mother's Day!!

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  35. Santa. Hands down. That is all.

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  36. The most awesome part of this particular comment steam came at the end as people wandered in and without having read the epic back and forth that happened yesterday just quietly place a vote and move on. You would think they would have seen all the carnage but just chose to ignore it. Beautiful.

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  37. Cal, That's probably for the best. The madness is like a freshly sealed scab. Me thinketh a little picking and it could gush open again.

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  38. Must....not....take bait...must....not...pick...scab

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  39. Congratulations Cal, you were the 40th comment. I feel like confetti should fall, but I forgot to load the machine.

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  40. Easter Bunny sucks!

    Santa gets my vote

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  41. They both tend to ignore Jews, so I can look at this from purely a neutral perspective. Santa has powers plain and simple. Plus, he's always carrying a sack of hard plastic. Battle is pretty lopsided if you ask me.

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  42. Cal, I thought the same thing. Although, Erika might have gotten a whiff of the whole ordeal...she seemed pretty definite in her..."That is all." statement.

    TS...Nice to see you buddy!
    (Your new header is heartbreaking.)

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  43. Copyboy has obviously never been hit with a pillowcase full of frozen Cadbury creme eggs.

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