Friday, August 20, 2010

The 7 Word Weekend Movie Review: The Switch, Vampires Suck, and Piranha 3D will bite.

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

Vampires Suck - But not as hard as this movie.

Lottery Ticket - No amount of money is worth this.

Mao's Last Dancer (limited) - Based on the bestselling autobiography of zzz...

Nanny McPhee Returns - Yes but the question still remains: why?

Piranha 3D -  Actually, I'm pretty psyched for this one.

The Switch - This movie makes me hate the world.

What If... (limited) - Kevin Sorbo? Ahhh-ha ha ha ha ha!

Okay so maybe 'hate' is a little harsh. I don't know what it is, maybe I'm just Bateman'd out. Maybe my tolerance for Jennifer Aniston has just hit a new low. Perhaps it's how abysmal the ads have looked. Whatever the reasons, The Switch seems as palatable to me as eating a box of uncooked macaroni. *shudder* visions of Sunday school crafts just danced in my head.

Piranha 3D is going to be bad. It's like an unwritten law. However those of us who love monster movies know that's part of the charm. Ever seen The Giant Gila Monster? Horrible, horrible film. I absolutely loved it. If you can't appreciate a bad movie every now and then, I don't know what to tell you. Let me give you a few reasons though why Piranha will be fun. Christopher Lloyd, Richard Dreyfus, Elisabeth Shue, Jerry O'Connell, Ving Rhames... with an "all star" cast like that, how could it possibly disappoint? 

Vampires Suck. The other side of bad movies. The kind that aren't meant to be enjoyed. I honestly have no idea why these movies succeed. It must be on a bet or something. Hey, I bet you can't sit through the whole movie. Oh yeah? Well I bet you can't either. Then it's agreed, we'll see it together. How else do you explain the fact that these types of movies continue to make money? For the love of ottomans people, if you're going to dare each other into seeing things, why can't it be something good for a change?

Don't mind me, I'm still upset that Scott Pilgrim vs The World, a movie that I gave a perfect 10, completely bombed. I can understand it losing out to The Expendables (Male escapism\closet homosexuality) and even to Eat Pray Love (Female Escapism\Julia Roberts fetishism) but for it to finish up in 5th place? Judging from the fact that so many people I've run into have seemed to know nothing about it, I'm guessing that Scott Pilgrim must have had it's marketing screwed up. Well, I'm sure it'll become a cult classic if nothing else. 

Sky High (Widescreen Edition)If you're sitting in this weekend, might I suggest a movie that's been out for a few years? Sky High maybe a kid's movie, but it's one of those underrated gems that really holds a guilty pleasure place with me. In short, it's about teenagers with superpowers who attend a school that'll teach them to use them properly. Any film that features the likes of Dave Foley, Kevin McDonald and Bruce Campbell in the roles of superhero teachers has to be doing something right. It's cheesy in a lot of ways, but it's also good clean fun. 7 out of 10

That's it for me this week. Have a great weekend everyone.


  1. Bruce Campbell in a kids' movie? That I gotta see. He's obviously not reprising his Bubba Ho Tep character.

  2. TS--I had the same reaction when I saw previews for "The Switch." Seems like the same movie over and over again.

    Love your reviews!

  3. I will admit to being dragged to see Vampires Suck by my 19 year old yesterday...and I actually laughed through at least half of it.

  4. I really want to see Scott pilgrim--glad you rated it so high!!!

  5. Two points to mention:
    1. Is "Ahhh-ha" one word or two? It looks suspiciously like two words, which would mean "What If" got an eight word review. I smell a double-standard (<--Two words) and favoritism.

    2. I have to see the vampire movie. Ever since my sister forced me to see "Eclipse", I've been looking for a way to get back at her. It would tick her off royally if I went to see this, so I have to. Sorry TS. But at least now you have an explanation.

  6. Dude...please don't be hatin' Jen An!

  7. Oh vampires suck, I truly loathe that the entire genre of satirical movies exist. That sort of stuff should really be limited to a 5 minute SNL sketch. Don't try to weasle $10 and an hour and a half of my life out of me for it.

  8. I WANT to see Piranha 3D. From what I see and hear so far, it may find it's way onto the "worst movie of all time" list. Gotta see it!

  9. I enjoyed Sky High as well. I thought it was pretty good for what it was.

    I have to admit I liked Zoom too. Something about Tim Allen as a superhero tickles my fancy. Now where did I leave my fancy?

  10. There is nothing I hate worse than those so called 'comedies' that spoof a recent trend 'Airplane Style'. hate hate hate them. There is nothing I hate more than an obvious job and they are all about being obvious.

    I thought high school high was great - those 'kids in the hall' alums were very funny in it and I liked the concept of a school for superheroes - perfectly harless saturday afternoon fair - in fact it would have made a decent sit com for nickelodean or disney stars on the rise.

    oh and having Jason Baitman end up switching his sperm for the other guy is just the worst excuse for slapslick I ever heard of. Sperm outside of a porn movie is never appealing or funny. end of lecture.

  11. I found Sky high silly and funny, loved the songs too...I always liked the concept of underdogs turning heroes.
    I have just one grouch nowadays, why does every other movie have to be on 3D? I mean HP 7&8, Avatar is fine, would have loved LOTR in 3D too...but if Twilight 4/5 gets made in... I am gonna puke and have nightmares of Jacob abs and Bella rapid eye blinks for life.

  12. Fantastic 7-Word as per usual.

    Autobiography of zzz ... super awesome.

    Actually, this is kind of vain ... I think part of the reason I enjoyed your post so much is because I agree 100% with just about all of it (haven't seen Scott Pilgrim but the sis was a big fan so I'm sure I'd enjoy it).

    I continue my campaign to have you put the 7-word as one of the tabs at the top!


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