Thursday, November 10, 2011

Immortals, Melancholia, Jack and Jill and the end of the word: Weekend Review

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

11-11-11 (limited) - Little on the nose, don't you think?

Immortals - Finally, a movie based on my life.

Jack and Jill - Dear earth, please shoot yourself for this.

Melancholia (limited) - The Jedi are going to feel this...

Missed this column? No? Well, now I have hurt feelings. Not to worry, the children's aspirin should numb the pain of rejection. Drug related humor? What is this blog coming to? Who knows, as long as it keeps coming. Perpetual motion -like a slinky on an escalator. After working for awhile I came to the conclusion that I want, nay, need to write here still, if only on a limited basis. Gotta let all that crazy out somewhere. Can't have it raining down on my customers. That means you guys are either beneficiaries, or the victims. Depending on your outlook. You know, whether your cup is half full, half empty, or a bowl.

There are 4 stories for this weekend, well 5, but I was too lazy to write a review for the new Werner Herzog documentary. Numerologists love the number 11. Supposedly it's one of those ones that a lot of people constantly find themselves looking at the clock when it's 11:11 or noting the number throughout their day. 11-11-11 is one of those days that's supposed to be steeped in something. As to what it's steeped in, I couldn't care less. But let's for the moment just go with a bad omen. Also the movie looks like crap.

Immortals, a film directed by Tarsem Singh the absolutely brilliant director behind some good and not so good films. I wrote awhile back about The Fall starring Lee Pace. Absolutely amazing film. Regardless of quality with the writing, Tarsem's directing offers up fantastic visuals that are worth sitting through the worst of his films. Here in a movie about a war in the Greek myth universe ( Myth Universe sounds like a beauty pageant doesn't it?) in his hands and with a pretty fantastic cast. It's one of those films that even if it sucks it's guaranteed to be awesome. Whoa, a world ending paradox, just like... 111111. Where could this all be going?

Also out this weekend in limited release is Melancholia, a Kirsten Dunst film directed by ever controversial director Lars Von Trier. The story is about the ever approaching end of the world as an object hurtles toward earth. It's supposed to be beautiful visually, and I've heard quite a few good things about it. Still, an object hurtling towards the earth, sounds like the future of that asteroid that buzzed us earlier this week. You know, the day before FEMA tested it's all new powerful emergency broadcast system, that'll be able to take over every channel on TV and radio at once. Almost like they were trying to prepare for something. Something big, something...

And so we're here. 

The Hollow Men, a poem by T.S. Elliot (good man, used the "TS". Too bad he didn't think to ditch the periods, we'd have been like twins-in a way...) remarked quite famously: This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.  Alas, how true though those words are, for I no longer have the strength to scream and fight and hurl indignities at an industry and public that would allow such a devastating travesty to unfold on screen before our children's and our own eyes. I speak of course of Jack and Jill, the new Adam Sandler crapfest that is plaguing the earth. It's like he said to himself, these people don't hate themselves enough to stop giving me hit movies. I know, I'll put a female me in the next one... Zabadoo. And so it comes to pass that the world will be destroyed. For I know our beloved planet, which has allowed every manner of evil to be done upon its surface, can not take this last indignity. It will simply void itself, and all its inhabitants. 

But I do not blame Adam Sandler. When the devil comes in the form of a peddler, we have only ourselves to blame for buying his satanic wares. Yes, we are all guilty, even I who at a young age couldn't imagine what would one day transpire. I, watched and laughed at Billy Madison, and I, take my share in the end of the world. To those who knew what a dark prophet he was, I do humbly apologize for not hearing you. Oh frail humanity, I have but to weep for us all.

What do you think, over the top? I like it. I feel it properly expresses everything I had to say about the film. Though it is a bit of a down note to end on... Here -puppies, kittens, babies, rainbows and pink lemonade. Better now?

Thank you to all the veterans on this day of remembrance.

Have a great weekend everyone.


  1. I did miss the column!

    That Adam Sandler moving does look like a steaming pile of crap. Is he the devil? Maybe not, but he seems to be making progressively worse movies. I think he and Shyamalan are drinking the same Kool-Aid.

    I want to see Immortals, even if it's panned. You're right, it'll be awesome even if it's terrible.

    Cheers my friend. Hope the new job is going well.

  2. When I saw the Trailer for Jack & Jill last night for the first time, I knew immediately that I'd want to see what you had to say about it, and I wasn't disappointed!

  3. Someone shoot Sandler and that director.
    ANd I think my cup is a shot glass...

  4. Immortals sounds good...fantasy scores even if it lacks depth with stunning visuals as u said....good luck with the job....I would buy a cabinet if I lived any closer. Good to see the reviews back even if some will pass us by like the asteroids....

  5. I think I'd want to see Melancholia because you have heard good things and I love Kirsten Dunst. I hope you like your job and the sales are going well.

  6. I saw something about Melancholia today - thanks for the blurb. Oh, and I definitely consider myself a beneficiary - not a victim. I love your blog. Glad to see you're back, even in limited form.

  7. Melancholia looks trippy (in a good way).

  8. You are in rare form! Yes, I'm glad your back. I love being a vict.....errr...beneficiary! lol.

    Hope your day job is going well! Hope cabinets are selling like hot cakes.

  9. Good reviews! In regard to Werner Herzog's doc, I'll see it no matter what. In his interviews he talks on and on in that cultured droning German accent and I become hypnotized..."Yes, Werner, just point me to the theater, of course I'll see it...yes, my Khan..."

  10. Letting out the crazy is always good. Hope the job is going well! (Or at least not as painful as new jobs tend to be.)

    The adam sandler film really is like a challenge - and we've failed. Sandler said, visually/comedically, "hey America, eat s***" ... and we have.

    Annnnd, I also want to see the immortals. Mindless action? Don't mind if I do.

  11. The Immortals is a must see (for me anyway), just from the trailer. The effects look awesome...

  12. I'm amazed that an Adam Sandler film managed to be this bad. Rotten Tomatoes said "Although it features an inexplicably committed performance from Al Pacino, Jack and Jill is impossible to recommend on any level whatsoever."


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