Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Dinosaur Party Debates: John Quincy Public & Jeff

The Results:

Who could have predicted that the humble Ankylosaur Mr. Pry Merry, would fell the lizard king himself, Bill O'Rights. Perhaps it's because the T-Rex has such short arms that the voting public decided he was not the best fit. Whatever the case, we've once again narrowed the field down. Now we've arrived at the last of the regular debates before the semi-finals. 

Round 4:

Today we are privileged to have none other than George Newbern as our esteemed moderator for the event.

John Quincy Public
(Brachiosaurus - Herbivore)
Platform: Healthcare Reform


(Velociraptor - Carnivore)
Platform: Chilling 

George: I want to start things off by thanking both of you for participating in this debate. It is a grand tradition we have in this country.

John Quincy Public: It is an honor and a privilege.

Jeff: I thought you were dead.

George: No, alive and well thank you. The issue we'll be focusing on this debate is of great controversy, the legalization of marijuana. I'll start the ball rolling with Mr. Public.

John Quincy Public: Marijuana is illegal for a reason. It's dangerous, it's a gateway drug, and it's responsible for violent crimes. That said, I do encourage studies into possible medicines that may be derived from it. 

Jeff: Dude, seriously?

George: Mr. Jeff, please wait your turn. Continue Mr Public.

John Quincy Public: I understand how some younger people like my colleague here, feel about it. I fully admit to having partaken of weed myself when I was younger. At first by accident. I was grazing in a field where it just happened to be growing. The end result was me completely out of my head. One of the things most people don't know is the weight gain that comes with marijuana. I used to be much smaller, but as a result of my usage, I got rather big. Thanks to my healthy diet, I have slimmed down quite a bit, but the damage was done.

George: Thank you Mr. Public. Mr. Jeff, you may respond.

Jeff: Are you sure you're not dead?

George: Quite.

Jeff: Come on, when were you last seen by anyone?

George: I was in Nip/Tuck, and I've continued to do guest spots in TV.

Jeff: If you say so.

George: Do you have anything to contribute to the debate?

Jeff: Yeah, yeah... Here's what I got out of my colleague's speech, just because he got himself knocked back to the stone age, where he devoured a couple tankers full of fat, he's got some unjust vendetta against a beautiful herb. 

John Quincy Public: I beg your pardon!

Jeff: Quiet, it's my turn to talk. The fact is that marijuana is not nearly as dangerous as half the legal prescriptions doctors hand out each year for things that could be better treated naturally. Fatty here knows that, so he's more than happy to let pharmaceutical companies pull it apart and sell its bastardized form for huge profit. 

George: ...I'm surprised. You showed up to the debate in a t-shirt that reads "I like cake". I just assumed you'd have nothing to say.

Jeff: Whoa, hold on a sec. Are you saying that you don't like cake?  

George: I didn't say anything of the sort.

Jeff: But you clearly show your prejudice. Just because I am open about my feelings for a sweet confection. I mean, I'm not in a long term relationship with cake like my tubby friend here is, but I do enjoy it. Who are you to tell me that's wrong?

George: Hey now, why are you turning on me? John's your opponent here.  Besides, we're getting way off topic.

Jeff: Are we really? Cake is a prime example of how something that isn't bad, can be, in the wrong hands. I enjoy the occasional slice of cake, the way I enjoy certain herbal refreshments from time to time. John on the other hand, views cake as a lifestyle choice. Doesn't mean we should outlaw cake.

John Quincy Public: That's it. I have had enough of this... This... Contemptuous display of bigotry and discrimination. I'm a brachiosaurus for crying out loud. We're just built bigger! I don't even like cake, I like trees.

Jeff: And there you have it people. Why you should vote for me. John doesn't like cake -which is way weird- and he'll eat you out of house and tree.

George: You don't like cake? That is weird. With that it appears our time is up. Thank you both for joining us.

Once again it is down to you fine people. Who stands alone, ready to claw his way to the top? Which candidate is about to go down in a meteorite of shame? You have until 11:59 pm next Monday to decide. Then on Tuesday, the remaining candidates will regroup and prepare for the finals.

Show your support for The Dinosaur Party on Facebook and Twitter !  


  1. Jeff all the way. He showed that cake eater whose boss!

  2. I vote for Jeff because I want weed to be legalized. Mainly because if I get cancer, I want to smoke it. I don't smoke it now - but I will if I'm throwing up and in pain.

    Thank you for the "I thought you were dead," line. Very, very funny.

  3. Jeff!
    I wonder how much cake he eats when he gets the munchies?

  4. I don't know what I'm impressed more about - Jeff's stance on maryjane or how good George looks oh so many years after Father of The Bride.

  5. Well, I suppose this is what you call a landslide, because I'm going with Jeff too. But be careful saying "landslide" too loudly, because dinosaurs tend to be jumpy about things like that.

  6. One more pebble on the landslide...Jeff! His cake analogy was not only apt, but scrumptious to think about.


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