New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each
Dredd 3D - Is its title trying to warn me?
End of Watch - Wait, this title is a warning too!
Trouble with the Curve - Seriously? Another warning? It can't go on...
How to Survive a Plague (limited) - Well, that is slightly optimistic I guess.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower (limited) - There we go. Now we're getting somewhere.
House at the End of the Street - Gil Bellows?! Oh why do I bother...
Worth noting I suppose that I do want to see films 1-3, eventually. Not in theaters. I'd also like to see Perks. The other two can fall by the wayside. I've heard surprisingly good things for Dredd 3D. Largely that it knows it's not supposed to be taken seriously, and revels in that fact. So it should be a fun mindless flick. End of Watch is supposed to have an amazing performance from Jake Gyllenhaal. I'm usually not too keen on cop dramas, but with all the praise it's getting I'm interested.
I hate baseball, think it's boring, but I love baseball themed films. I think there's a touch of irony in there somewhere, but I'll leave you to figure that out. So yeah, I'm all into Trouble with the Curve. I considered some empty chair joke about Clint Eastwood here, but decided against it. Those were tired by the evening of the next day. You can thank me later for my discretion.
As for the other films... I believe I promised you a banjo playing monkey. Well here he is, featured on the cover of his gold selling album of 1974:
Johnny: Hello, I'm Johnny the Monkey [applause]. I was asked to give my opinion on some of the movies out this weekend. You think I have time for this kind of crap? I was the biggest concert draw from 1974 to 1975. But I guess they were kind enough to invite me so here goes.
All I can tell you about Perks of Being a Wallflower is to be careful of that Emma Watson. I hear she's the most dangerous female on the internets. But then I warned you all years ago she was a witch and should be burned. Right alongside that naked, little, horse riding Radcliffe. Never trust a naked horse rider folks. This is experience talking.
I do like that Jennifer Lawrence, but House at the End of the Street also features Gil Bellows and Elizabeth Shue. I keep wondering what rock Shue crawled out from under. It couldn't have been terribly uncomfortable for her to have stayed there as long as she has. Maybe she's like one of those crabs that sleeps for years at a time before emerging to feed for a short time. Is that crabs? I can't remember. Might have been that monster from Jeepers Creepers.
The How to Survive a Plague film is about AIDS. My people still get blamed for that crap by ignorant humans. You know I once got asked if AIDS was caused by someone screwing a monkey? First of all, we don't go in for that kind of thing. Secondly, we've got enough problems getting nits out of each others fur to worry about creating new viruses, thank you.
Well that's pretty much it I guess. My records are still available for purchase. Make sure to introduce your kids to my tunes. They'll thank you when they're older.
Can you believe I actually have a signed copy? He's such a great guy.
So what are your plans this weekend? Off to see one of the many films out? Going to Ticketmaster to hunt for tickets to see Johnny's next concert?