Monday, June 10, 2013

Letters To Superheroes: Issue #2 Dear Superman

Dear Kal-El,

If you are reading this than it must be your 16th birthday. I thought it expedient that I include some notes for you to be opened at certain appropriate times. By now I'm sure you've been wondering about the issue of the opposite sex. Let me assure you, it's perfectly natural and highly encouraged. In fact, as I watch your mother buckling you into your rocket, it's my hope that you find love, marry, and procreate like a rabbit on Viagra.

Of course you must be wondering about compatibility and whether or not it's even safe. That's a bit of a tricky issue. You can forget prophylactics, they won't work. Not unless you've got a Kryptonite condom, if you know what I mean... If not, please ask your surrogate father, as it's actually not a joking matter. As far as STDs are concerned, anything earthen can't hurt you. And as far as all those tasteless jokes about "being faster than a speeding bullet" I wouldn't worry about that either. Your lady friend(s) will be safe.

I think...

It has also occurred to me that the possibility might arise that you might have a different frame of mind. You might start wondering why girls? Well let's nip this one straight out shall we? Why? Because, damn it. Chances are good you're the only one left of your species and as such it is your duty to not let the line die out. I'm not passing judgement one way or the other here, but as far as you're concerned, you like girls, period. That also means you can stop spending so much time alone in your fortress of solitude, and I know you know what I mean by that.

My dear boy, I'm sorry that I will not be there for your first heartbreak or for any of your other firsts for that matter. Hopefully these letters will offer you some comfort and a sense of roots. A little more personal love than the cold holograms I've programmed for you. You can look forward to another one of these letters on your 30th birthday, when I'll tell you all about something called "a prostate exam".

Your loving father,


  1. With Superman's super strong anus, the doctor may lose a hand during the prostate exam.

  2. "I'm not passing judgement one way or the other here, but as far as you're concerned, you like girls, period." Best line ever, but the prostate exam is a goods one too. Gut busting post TS.

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  6. HA! That was a good one! So I take it that cross-species breeding was acceptable on Krypton...

  7. Well, a father does what he can...even it doesn't amount to much useful advise...he should go out and make more friends who will help him on the path to enlightenment...


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